Aibu to expect 'lodging' money from my 18yr old Dd?

(49 Posts)
Dianag111 Mon 03-Jul-17 18:50:12

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Dianag111 Mon 03-Jul-17 23:27:47

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MrsBadger Mon 03-Jul-17 23:29:45

Maybe give a slightly shorter précis, or format it into paragraphs for easier reading?
I know this isn't Twitter with a word limit but that was a looong post!

Dianag111 Tue 04-Jul-17 19:02:52

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Dianag111 Tue 04-Jul-17 19:03:50

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boooosh Tue 04-Jul-17 19:09:57

I don't think you're unreasonable to ask for digs, no.

But it seems to me like you're really resentful (I can see why) of having to accommodate her; is there no way you can get some boundaries in place and only offer her what you feel able to give in good grace? It sounds like she's unlikely to give you the gratitude you are hoping for from her.

My opinion may be coloured slightly by the fact that you called a 13yo a 'bitch', which I think is pretty nasty.

Anotherdayanotherdollar Tue 04-Jul-17 19:16:21

I don't know about reporting or editing.

In short, I think it's reasonable to ask for some lodging money, but I think £70 is too much. You could cut down on what you provide already if you think that might help her appreciate what it is costing.


EverythingEverywhere1234 Tue 04-Jul-17 19:17:37

Hm. No YWNBU to charge a small amount of 'rent' but I do wonder why you've done all this really. You don't seem to like your DD much and you say she doesn't like you or your DH so how is having her living in your garden going to work? Maybe she doesn't actually want to live there, and that's why she isn't showing an interest? Have you ever asked her what she wants?

Floralnomad Tue 04-Jul-17 19:25:24

For the sake of ongoing harmony whilst she's living in your garden I think I'd explain to her that you've taken an electricity reading and if you find that the bill is a great deal more than the monthly norm that she will have to contribute the difference . Ensure she buys all her own food , gas bottles etc.

BorisTrumpsHair Tue 04-Jul-17 21:13:46

Paragraphs op. You always need paragraphs toget people through it.

Dianag111 Wed 05-Jul-17 00:43:52

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Dianag111 Wed 05-Jul-17 00:47:44

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Dianag111 Wed 05-Jul-17 00:54:36

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Somerville Wed 05-Jul-17 01:01:40

She sounds like she has severe mental health problems. Along with your own diagnosis that's a lot for your family to deal with.

I think she should probably be in some kind of supported housing with her child at this point, rather than with family. Does her social worker know the new set-up, in a caravan?

Sundance2741 Wed 05-Jul-17 06:24:25

If she has a social worker and own flat why would she need to move into the caravan? With your illness (very sorry to hear about it), you need to focus on looking after yourself. It sounds as if in the long term you won't be there to pick up the pieces for your grand child, so surely your daughter should be getting social service support to develop her parenting? If you help out all the time, your dd and gd's full needs won't be apparent. I would also imagine your dd's issues are better dealt with by someone more objective than you and her dad, as you both obviously have very strong feelings about it all and have had difficulties in managing and relating to her for some years.

knaffedoff Wed 05-Jul-17 06:38:35

I doubt you will receive a penny from her. Be grateful that your gd is nearby and you get to keep a close eye on them both

ProphetOfDoom Wed 05-Jul-17 06:47:34

If she's neglectful of her child, your grandchild someone needs to step in whether that be family or social services or both.

I would also say your dd doesn't sound very well.

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis flowers

picklemepopcorn Wed 05-Jul-17 06:55:39

I'm sorry to hear all that. I don't know about the money. £110/week sounds like loads to me, if she has no accommodation costs.

I think you've done a lovely thing for your granddaughter, but I'm worried about how sustainable it is long term. If your dd is so erratic, she will likely have unsuitable boy friends, move in with someone else. It's going to be hard to protect GD when you are gone. I suspect someone else will end up with GD. Best to try and organise that now if you can. Have a plan among your ex, the exboyfriend, and your other dds.

tralaaa Wed 05-Jul-17 07:02:18

Yes she should pay rent, you need to speak to SS for help as clearly your dad is not coping. I would be concerned about when your not here and the relationship between your DH and her. Have you spoke about your concerns to her. I think what you have done is lovely but I think you might be causing more problems than your solving. I think slowing make her have more responsibility for her child.

Dianag111 Wed 05-Jul-17 07:26:37

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Dianag111 Wed 05-Jul-17 07:27:38

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notanurse2017 Wed 05-Jul-17 07:30:14

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tralaaa Wed 05-Jul-17 07:34:30

I see so the £70 is not just for rent well in that case it seems more than fair. Hopefully you will get her settled and sorted. I would still try to engage SS. It's sounds like you have good support around you take case of yourself too.

MachineBee Wed 05-Jul-17 08:09:54

I agree that it does seem that she has serious MH issues. Knowing this doesn't help you dealing with it though. This is a terrible situation for you to be having to deal with at any time, but given your own diagnosis this is intolerable.

Your DH is being brilliant, but I'm concerned about how he'll handle things when you're gone. Even if she's not technically under his roof, she's still going to be on his property. He's going to be grieving after you've gone and having this ongoing situation, which I'm sorry to say, could very likely escalate as the realities of your passing sinks in for your DD.

You need to get Social Services to re-engage on this now, possibly take some legal advice too, regarding protection for your GD. It will be tough, but ultimately you need peace of mind that ALL of your family are going to OK. You owe this to your other DDs and your DH. Everything is currently about your youngest DD and quite understandably, your GD. But the others must be terribly sad about your diagnosis and will want to spend as much quality time as possible with you as they can, without the additional dramas being caused by your youngest.

If this continues as it is, they are going to build up so much resentment about their DSis, that their relations with her and your GD after you have gone, will be difficult.

Get your GDs father more involved, make sure you and your own family (Inc ExDH) are all on the same page with things and are taking on as much as possible with this, rather than you doing it all. Get everyone to make a big fuss with SS and GPs. I would also get in touch with Macmillan who will be able to offer you support, especially as your illness progresses. They do brilliant work and also provide practical support as well as pastoral.

One last thing, I'd try not to be so focused on the financial side of things. You have arranged your affairs well and made sure people are provided for. Your most valuable thing now is your time. Spend that wisely on all the people that matter to you.

flowers for you OP.

Dianag111 Wed 05-Jul-17 08:18:30

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