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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

The silent treatment by 'friends'

27 replies

OwlBeBack · 03/07/2017 13:42

Long story but I'll try to condense, DD is in year 9 and this weekend her friends all went bowling and didn't invite her. We bumped into them as we were in the same leisure complex (not bowling). Awkward laughter, not a lot was said, but DD messaged friend after asking why wasn't she invited.

No answer received and today every single 'friend' is blanking her.

I don't know what to advise her to do. She is also being low level bullied by another student at school which I have encouraged DD to report as it's escalating.

The friends have form for this kind of behaviour. A few months ali they ignored her for weeks then they started talking to her and she was so grateful, she never asked them why or how they could treat her like that.

What would you advise DD to do?

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Report

OwlBeBack · 03/07/2017 14:29

ali = ago

Any advice gratefully received as DD is due home soon. Thanks

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jasonderulo · 03/07/2017 14:31

Well they sound utterly vile! Your poor DD. I don't think they sound like very good friends to have, does she have anyone else she can reach out to at school? It's not worth having people who make you feel like crap for friends.

OwlBeBack · 03/07/2017 14:37

I think she may have one other person she can reach out but most groups are very well established now with some kind of governed by the girl who is currently bullying her.

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OwlBeBack · 03/07/2017 14:38

And I agree they sound vile.

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Squishedstrawberry4 · 03/07/2017 14:41

Vile kids. I'd recommend she moves on and establishes nicer friendships. Gives the vile kids a wide birth while also being polite to them.

Are there any nuce girls she can get to know? Ones on the outside of this group.

MusicToMyEars800 · 03/07/2017 14:41

This used to happen to me at school, I dropped them as friends and went and made some new ones, which I know is really hard when you are a teenager, I hope your dd can find some new friends who aren't so pathetic and vile.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 03/07/2017 14:42

Get her to join different clubs and chat to non group members.

OwlBeBack · 03/07/2017 14:45

There must be some nice girls/biys and I agree she's needs to disconnect. It's just such a hard time for this to happen. She'll be facing nearly 7 weeks with no one to talk to.

I looked into athletics clubs for her but there's a 6 month waiting list. She did dancing for years but grew out of it. I will look into other clubs but for her age group, there's not much I don't think.

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OwlBeBack · 03/07/2017 14:46

Is there any point in DD asking them why they are treating her this way? Last time she said nothing on my advice and now I don't know if I was wrong and she should have said something.

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jasonderulo · 03/07/2017 20:52

It doesn't really matter why they're doing it I suppose, they're clearly just not very nice. She's not going to be able to make them into the friends she deserves, and "winning" them back doesn't mean they won't do the same in the future. I'd say as awful as it will be, put on a brave face and don't worry about them as they aren't worth her time. She will find people who treat her well, as unlikely as it sounds, in my experience people always find their tribe in the end.

OwlBeBack · 03/07/2017 21:52

Yes, you're right. We had a long talk today and she said she'll stop trying to engage with them but will remain polite when necessary in lessons.

She is dreading tomorrow but is trying to be strong and focussing on the fact it's all a bit raw and crap at the moment but will hopefully hurt less next week.

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Earlybird · 03/07/2017 22:13

Oh, I'm sorry your dd is going through this. It is mean and downright cruel.

Does your dd have any friends outside of school? Perhaps in the neighbourhood or through an activity done outside school? If so, I'd advise that she put her focus there. In general, it can be a good idea to have friends outside of school, so you are not heavily invested in just one place/ friend group. Also, there is somewhere to turn if things go sour.

Once things have calmed down for your dd, would be a good idea of have a 'what does it mean to be a friend / how should friends treat each' other chat. It could help her see that this school group is really not a group she can count on. A person shouldn't be walking on eggshells with people they call friends.

DD0314 · 03/07/2017 22:55

Horrible girls are the worst! My heart bleeds for the girls that have to deal with them. I don't think there's any point in confronting them, with my daughter when she confronted them it almost gave them an opportunity to let it all out and be nasty. The best thing she can do is keep it civil and try and make other friends. If you can, speak to the pastoral/behaviour support or head of year at school, make sure someone at school knows what's going on.
I agree this time of year is hard, you really do worry about the long holidays and there really isn't much to do at their age. This age is proving to be the hardest yet! I hope things get better for your daughter and you both get through it without too much heart break x

OwlBeBack · 03/07/2017 22:56

Hi. No, she doesn't have friends out of school. I'm looking for some kind of club or activity for her but haven't found anything yet.

She attends a school a few miles away, not the local school so she's got no local friends either.

I'll keep looking. We had a good long chat and she seems to have recognised this isn't how friends behave. She's sad but seems to have it in perspective.

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OwlBeBack · 03/07/2017 22:58

Thank you DD0. We've agreed civil is best and we've got a plan. I'm quietly hopeful and not as lost as I was when I started this thread.

Thank you all.

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mumsiedarlingrevolta · 04/07/2017 08:35

My heart aches for you OP.
When my DD was in Yr7-8 one of the teachers said 7-9 are the most "tribal" years and the girls can be awful. My DDs only stopped because she moved schools (not only because of this-but hit was a factor)
My DD had an almost identical experience-but hers was one girl, her new "best friend" who inexplicably blanked her for days on end, and then equally inexplicably would speak again-loved her to bits and was fabulous-so beguiling and such fun.
During that time of not speaking nothing my DD would say had any effect. Very manipulative, undermining and caused great anguish and upset as DD helpless in the spiral.
Clearly all about power and control.
Since moving schools this girl has tried to reach out-lots of apologies and lets be friends etc but my DD has realised the problem is this girl and has blocked her on social media etc.
I can only hope your DD can see it is not her. Encourage her to try and find an interest, club, hobby etc where can can try and start fresh. Join lots of things til you find the right one.
It is difficult to take back your self esteem when someone else is walking all over it but there will be lovely friends out there for her.
Good luck. x

AlbusPercival · 04/07/2017 08:38

If you are looking for an activity what about senior section, it's the 14+ equivalent of guides and tends to be very supportive

Katmeifyoucan · 04/07/2017 08:39

Your poor Dd. Are there any summer camps happening in your area? The school should know of some.

I17neednumbers · 04/07/2017 08:45

Sympathies to you and dd, op. Yes I agree with the advice to ditch these friends - is it quite a large school so there are other people if dd can find them?
I think it's useful to bear in mind that it can take time to establish new friendships - you don't have to feel that you must have a new group up and running within a week, although obviously that is what you want! I'd advise to join as many school clubs/activities as possible next term - and as others have said, find an out of school activity if possible, though i know there aren't always that many!
For the immediate problem - the school holidays - are there any gps, aunts and uncles she could go and stay with, just for a couple of days, to break up the weeks? Or even consider a pgl holiday sort of thing - just to get away, and mix with some other people?

OwlBeBack · 04/07/2017 10:23

Thank you all so much. So encouraging (but sad) to realise this is common and we're not alone. Mumsie sounds like your DD handled that well in the end.

PGL looks fantastic but beyond my financial reach (single mum, no dad on scene, £27 a week CSA for 3 children). The usual!!

It is a large school so there are other people she can befriend but she was so tightly wound up in this group, she will need to build bridges with other acquaintances - a bit of a lesson for her really.

I'll be calling on family to help. Luckily I have a supportive immediate family. I have also thought of asking at my local sports centre about volunteering opportunities which have been mentioned in the past. I'll also look into Senior Section and ask school if they know of anything.

I feel a lot more positive today. She was a little anxious going to school but seems to be ok.

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MusicToMyEars800 · 04/07/2017 10:57

I hope it all goes well for her, unfortunately secondary/high school can be a brutal time, but she will come through it She doesn't have very long eft before she leaves for college etc.

Jules2 · 15/07/2017 12:58

I've just found out this morning that my Yr 7 DD has been experiencing being 'excluded' by a small group - some of whom are her friends most of the time but are being manipulated by another girl that my DD had a falling out with some while back. She thought they had made up - if not exactly 'bosom buddies' - but this girl seems to enjoy the power of being able to call the shots when it comes to going out (e.g. today she organised for her Dad to take 4 of them to Brent Cross - no room in car for my DD even though they could've gone in 2 cars or by bus). My DD had already arranged with one of these girls (who she had sleepover with) to go to BX for birthday present shopping - sadly this girl felt compelled to go with the others today. My DD is in tears and tells me this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened. As the other girls are her friends at school she naturally can't understand why they deliberately exclude her at other times. One of them has invited her to her birthday party next week but DD feels wary of going as she doesn't know how she'll be treated when she's there. This happened to me at school and I mostly had a couple of really good friends but was never part of (what everyone thought was) the 'in' crowd. I think the manipulative ones are often actually lacking in self esteem or not so good at schoolwork and this controlling behaviour is the only way they have to take power. I confess I don't know how to handle this. My first impulse is to talk to all the Mums but I know that won't really help. The summer hols are about to start and I hope my DD can see some of her friends individually, and that this will 'blow over' before Sept. If this particular girl doesn't want to be DD's friend there's nothing to be done but I hope the others in the group can learn to be more in control of their own choices.

Samanne · 15/07/2017 14:14

Boys are the same. DS football team disbanded last year and now they are reforming in September. His team mates are always together and never invite him. I've sent him off into town to meet them despite him not being invited - I want to see what reaction he'll get when he gets there!
Kids can be so horrible!

Jules2 · 15/07/2017 16:51

You're right, Samanne. I'm suppressing a stronge urge to go and smack all the 'mean' girls round the head a few times!

leonardthelemming · 15/07/2017 18:49

Guides, Scouts, Cadets, DofE (not all DofE groups are school-based). Drama club? Anything that will give her a new social circle. And ideally, at 14 she ought to research this herself. That way she will have more ownership of whatever she eventually decides.

I was a Y9 form tutor for a number of years - in a girls' school. Girls usually mature a lot between 13 and 14 but it sounds as though the "friends" haven't. Perhaps things will be better after the summer.

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