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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Feeling like I'm rock bottom

14 replies

user147906414578 · 25/06/2017 20:34

First post, although I've felt like posting in the past I've always stopped myself.

I've had an argument with my 15 year old daughter today as I had a hunch she wasn't where she said she was last night. I asked her where she was when she came home this afternoon (was staying at a friend's). She lied and then admitted (in stages) that she'd gone to a party without telling me. I wouldn't have had a problem with her going to the party, I do have a problem with her hiding it from me.

History: we are generally stricter than her friends parents. She is first born, many of her friends have children much older so are more liberal with the younger Ines. I have told my daughter that I am willing to be more open and have later curfews etc if she earns them by being trustworthy, texting when she's got to places and always let us know where she is. She's been very slack with this so we haven't really budged and expect her to be home by 8/9ish if she's walking home alone (in the summer) but more lenient if she's staying at Friends or we're meeting her.

She wouldn't listen to me tonight. She just shouted over mebeing massively defensive again and again.

I'm suffering from depression which I am just about to embark on a talking therapy for, and I became angry and said some really fucking horrible things which I can't take back. I've gone for a walk. I don't know where to go from here. I've tried phoning her but understandably she won't talk to me. She's saying she's refusing to go to school tomorrow.

I feel like I've lost control. I don't know what to do. Please be gentle - I'm feeling terrible and know I've handled this very very badly.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 25/06/2017 20:37

Can your husband step in now?

user147906414578 · 25/06/2017 20:42

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I've left them at home together. I'm hoping he can talk to her but she's clammed up and won't let anyone in. He's also quite pissed off with me for how I've handled it.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 25/06/2017 20:48

I think this is more about how you are feeling than your daughter's behaviour. Brilliant that you are going to start counselling. If I were you I would leave it now, but please don't analyse and beat yourself up over this, teenagers are very tricky and often sit up stuff in us that we didn't even know was there.
See how everyone is in the morning. Flowers

SensitiveSoinSo · 25/06/2017 21:05

My dd has just turned 16. Im very similar to you with parenting.
We moved her 18 months sgo so i know no one. I hardly know any of the people she hangs out with or whete exactly certaon locations are where she goes because they use local slang names that stent on maps. Places like The Oaks, The Dippy etc.
I pick her up after 8.30/9pm if shes not walking home in a group. Atm with the longest day and her GCSEs now completed I allow 10pm if shes just out hanging around somewhere. Later if shes at a friends house and im picking up.
Even so this is apperently not on a par with her friends. We have had her pushing limits snd had to drive to a licsl fast food place at 11.45pm to get her!!
She is v slack on text updates. Last weeks heatwave saw her leave home at 10am to go tp a local beach with friends and return home 10pm. I asked her to txt a few times just to give me update but no. She didnt reply to my texts asking if she was ok or wanted a lift home late eve (offering friends lifts too in the hope i might get to put a face to a name).
We too have had the sleepover lies but to my knowledge its been avoided as i insist on speaking to the parent at drop off etc.
Its v hard. I try my best to let go. At her age i was working full time etc.
I too get the rows and the teen arrogance that she knows it all where as actually she is fairly naive to some things.
You are not alone. This letting them go phase is the toughest of motherhood i think. Do you lost the plot tonight. Its not the end of the world. You ate human. You are finding life tough. You didnt resct the best esy but your daughter has just witnessed you being human and not the mum robot they sometimes think we are.
Apologise where needed once calm but explain its out of love and concern that makes it so emotionally tough.
Teens are selfish by nature. It does them good once in a while to realise that actually the world does not tevol e sround them and their ever so importsnt socisl lives.

user147906414578 · 25/06/2017 21:22

Thanks Rick and Sensitive.

I'm home now. My DD is holed up in the bath. DH has not been able to talk to her so we're going to leave it until tomorrow. She probably will go to school tomorrow when she realises I'm at home all day.

This has happened a few times, and I'm always a bit too keen to sort it out when we argue as I really do hate sleeping on it. But leaving it until the morning might help with chatting it over when we're all feeling a bit less defensive. I'm feeling a bit less hopeless, so thank you for listening and helping me realise I'm not alone and this isn't the end of the world xxx

OP posts:
Viviene · 25/06/2017 21:24

Apologize to her and get some control over yourself.

I am a daughter of a mother with depression. She did say shit loads of horrible things to me when I was around the age of your daughter. Some of them I hope she didn't mean.

Mental health problems are no excuse for abuse.

I still never tell my Mum anything (20 years later) as I can't be bothered.

Yes, I know I am being harsh but when I was fifteen I really wanted someone to tell my Mum to get a grip.

RickOShay · 25/06/2017 21:37

user you are not alone, you really really are not. It will be ok. Viviene, I am sorry about your experience with your mum, but I don't think the op said anything awful to her dd, more she was upset about the dd not telling her that she went to a party, all completely normal stuff.

user147906414578 · 25/06/2017 21:55

I did say some horrible things. I behaved like a child and am ashamed as I've hurt my own DD's feelings.

I'm sorry about your experience Vivienne. However, I don't think I can be accused of abusing my daughter when you have only heard one instance of my bad behaviour (which has shamed me enough to lead me to seek the help from strangers online for the first time). I am more than aware that mental health issues are no excuse, but I am simply trying to explain why I feel like I'm at rock bottom and why I may have reacted so disproportionately.

OP posts:
user147906414578 · 25/06/2017 21:56

And I have apologised. It's falling on deaf ears at the moment, so I'm hoping to have a more constructive conversation tomorrow.

OP posts:
ragged · 25/06/2017 22:03

Okay, so you had a row with her, this isn't so weird with teens. I think your depression is making it seem worse than it is, though. As for her lying: remember that teens lie to protect relationships. It's a perverse sign that she cares about you.

She's saying she's refusing to go to school tomorrow.

Toerags know how to push our buttons, don't they? (sigh)

She will milk the guilt-trip for weeks or months for whatever bad things you said, too.

Tomorrow is a fresh start & a new day. Try to take that attitude to when you next see her & whenever you can manage to have a calm chat.

Chin Up. You can do this. x

Iluvthe80s · 25/06/2017 22:24

Feel for you. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Depression is an illness and it's great you are getting support. And sometimes our kids are little shits and as ragged said know which buttons to press. And we are human and make mistakes

Might be worth discussing some rules you can all agree on around curfew and communication. Texting is easy for her and less obvious than a call if she doesn't want to be uncool in front of her mates. Reasonable for you to want to know your dd is safe. And when she does keep in touch and get in on time thank her for making the effort and tell her it's appreciated. We do that with our ds on the few occasions it happens. It's recognition she's taken on board your worries. Deep breaths. You're not alone.

RickOShay · 26/06/2017 16:06

Hope it went ok today op. Flowers

user147906414578 · 27/06/2017 15:07

Thank you! Yes went very well. Once we'd both calmed down and pride wasn't an issue (for her I mean), we had a really constructive conversation where I think we had a bit more empathy for each other. We're going to agree on some looser "rules" around going out that we all agree on to see if we can gain some trust and give her a bit more freedom. She seemed to understand the necessity for this and that it was a reasonable request.

Thank you for all your support and kind words, really helped Smile

OP posts:
RickOShay · 28/06/2017 13:54

That's brilliantSmile, hope things work out for you, it certainly is a marathon not a sprint, be kind to yourself, it is so important.

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