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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

My DD (12 nearly 13) has just told me she's bisexual

21 replies

mumoftwo1975 · 04/06/2017 00:31

Just that really, by text - I was in lounge she was in bed.
I went upstairs to talk to her and she's quite matter of fact albeit embarrassed.
I dont quite know what to think. I'm truly fine with what ever her or her brothers sexuality are or will become but I suppose I'm a bit shocked as I thought I'd have guessed before being told. She's insisted I don't tell her dad as he makes "jokes" in bad taste.
Part of me feels that maybe it's a teenage phase? She said she's 70% for females. Pointed to a celebrity t-shirt I'd bought her and said " well look" celebrity style crush?
She said her friends at school know including one who's going through gender changes.
Im a bit dumbfounded tbh

OP posts:

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corythatwas · 04/06/2017 01:28

Do you need to say anything, apart from thank you for telling me? I mean, it's not as if you're going to have to rush out and do something because she has told you that she sometimes fancies girls? Do you really have to know, at this stage (or indeed ever) whether this is "a phase" or not? Can't you just wait and see who she ends up with?

From my experience of two teen children, their friends and their conversations, there is a fair chance that they won't experience the same need of one irrevocable box to put all their sexuality in.

thethoughtfox · 04/06/2017 08:06

What a great relationship you must have with her that she could tell you that. You must be doing a good job.

thethoughtfox · 04/06/2017 08:08

Things may change but be careful you don't minimise her feelings by if, or how, you say this.

user1487175389 · 04/06/2017 08:11

Does it really matter? Being bisexual is the default imo, but maybe that's just my personal perspective.

LedaP · 04/06/2017 08:20

It could be a phase. But does it matter. Shr is telling you how she feels. Which is the important bit.

I know loads of girls that said they were lesbians or bi at school who are straight now. A couple did it to shock or be seen as different (catholic school in the 90s) but i think most just had feelings they couldnt explain.

As an adult i realise that age was when we started forming real friendships and that feeling of closness to another non related female can be overwhelming. You want to be with your friends more than family and they are 'your people'. You start admiring other women, again could be confusing. I recognise a 'girl crush' as actually 'wow she is amazing'.

The girls who i do know who are gay or bi as adults struggled with it through their teens. So if your dd has found this out noe she may be happier overall knowing who she is from a young age.

In a few years she may realise she isnt bi, but gay. Or straight. Or always be bi. But it doesnt matter. What she needs and your support and acceptance. Which i suspect you will do. She told you after all, so you must have a good relationship.

WhatHaveIFound · 04/06/2017 10:28

My DD came out as bi a few months ago and for us, life has carried on as normal. She knows that we'll be supportive of her no mattter who she goes out with and that i'm there for her to talk to whenever she wants.

We've had little chats since about a girl she likes at college and about a boy she likes too. I think it's all very confusing for her so until she gets her head around it she hasn't told any of the extended family (even her younger brother). There's me, DH and a couple of her close friends who know.

Sundance2741 · 04/06/2017 15:22

My dd, who is older than yours, has said in the past that she thinks she is a lesbian. We wouldn't be surprised if she were. But recently she has started talking about boys being 'cute". I really don't think she knows anything for sure yet. But I just tell her it will be absolutely fine with us whatever she turns out to be. She's not that mature for her age and hasn't had any proper relationships yet. I think you just need to be accepting and keep the channels of communication open.

mumoftwo1975 · 04/06/2017 21:28

Thankyou all, I truly love her with all my heart and will accept and continue to love her no matter what. I suppose it's come as a shock and I really feel that I need to speak openly with her Dad about this. I feel terrible keeping things from him as we've always spoken so openly about everything. I need this but more importantly I know she's not ready to tell him yet. I feel consumed by it all. I'm snappy and feeling anxious. I know it's me,me, me. Just having a moment thats all . Thankyou.xx

OP posts:

MoominFlaps · 04/06/2017 21:31

Doesn't matter. I think a lot of women are bisexual actually.

I've only ever been with men but I certainly feel sexual attraction to women.

Isadora2007 · 04/06/2017 21:34

I would keep taking to her and ask if she can see a chance of telling her dad as long as he doesn't joke about it quite yet. In one way it would be nice if he was to joke as
" normal" as it would mean he was being okay rather than awkward about it. But not to openly mock or anything horrible.

notsomanky · 04/06/2017 21:34

DD is 13.

She asked me if it would matter if she liked boys and girls about 6 months ago.

I told her as long as the person she liked loved her back and treated her ok I didn't care if it was a Martian.

She was ok with that - and we have had a few chats since n general.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 04/06/2017 21:35

I think a lot of people are bisexual but it's seen as more socially acceptable for women.

GoldSpot · 04/06/2017 21:50

Dd13 told me the same thing recently. I told her it doesn't matter to us if she is gay/bi/straight. I also said that she is only 13 and shouldn't feel any pressure to give herself a label - which is easier said than done, as I well know that being a teenager is all about defining yourself and working out who you are.

I have always been attracted to both men and women, but the scale tips slightly in favour of men - so i understand what she is feeling. I think you have to stand well back, let her know you will accept her whatever and let her work through it by herself.

Stopyourhavering · 06/06/2017 22:40

My dd recently (23)confirmed to us that she was bi, after struggling with her sexuality for a number of years....I'm so proud of how she's handling it ( she works with a lovely crowd of people , many of whom are of all of similar sexuality, so there's a great support network)
...dh just said , well you'll have the best of both worlds!!
Just be there for her and support her

SeekingSugar · 06/06/2017 22:50

I think the only thing you need to address is your partner's "bad taste jokes" which are obviously making your daughter feel uncomfortable.
"Jokes" (homophobia) can be extremely harmful. Just last week I heard about a 14yo who was suicidal because she was gay but felt her parents would disown her if she confided in them. Some years earlier her dad had made a "joke" about lesbians and she'd never forgotten, in her mind he was rejecting her. He was mortified when he found out how his words had hurt her but so much damage had been done.

midsummabreak · 06/06/2017 22:56

lovely to hear of a teen relationship with their Mum that is supportive and honest. Wonderful that she feels you respect her and that she was able to be honest with you about her feelings and sexuality She is very young and no matter what she knows she has you on her side You sound a great person and Mum and she sounds a great person and daughter, and that is really all that matters

working925 · 06/06/2017 23:10

I agree it doesn't matter but I have to admit I wouldn't feel great about it. At that age I would like to think they're still children.

MoominFlaps · 07/06/2017 06:49

They are children. Children still get crushes on their peers/celebrities etc. She's nearly 13. I got crushes constantly then.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 07/06/2017 06:53

I would have said something to the effect of that's nice dear now do you want a sandwich.

I really could not find it in me to get in the slightest fizzed about anything like that.

corythatwas · 07/06/2017 07:30

Like other posters I think bisexuality is probably more the norm than the exception. It's just that the present generation feels more of a need than ever of defining themselves and talking about everything. Doesn't mean you have to tell her dad anything. And having some kind of sexual feeling at that age is perfectly normal: it doesn't mean they're not still children or whatever. Just normal.

Noitsnotteatimeyet · 11/06/2017 09:51

Dd told me the same thing last summer when she was 13. I told her that it didn't matter to me in the slightest who she fancied as long as she was happy with who she was. She hasn't had a relationship with anyone yet, boy or girl, so I think it's more to do with thinking about who she is and feeling the need to define herself. A lot of celebrities who have big teen followings are bisexual so it's something that's seen as a positive and a possibility in a way that it wasn't really when I was a teenager. I think my biggest worry is that dd puts herself in a box and doesn't give herself space to explore a range of feelings as she gets older

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