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its hard letting them grow up

(23 Posts)
ssd Wed 31-May-17 09:35:09

I can't complain at all about my ds's, they are great boys, sometimes they drive me mad and me them, but they are really good kids

the oldest one is away on holidays with his gf, I was fussing around him making sure he has everything, and buying it for him, dh told me to let him be and work it out for himself

I really struggle with not doing too much for my kids, I know they are capable but the habits of a lifetime are hard to break

is anyone else the same?

we never had help with the kids when they were growing up and so we're used to just doing everything with them then for them and its just hard to pull back and let them get on with it...I do though, I don't want to be the mum who still does it all when they are in their 20's, I know that does them more harm than good...I just find it hard letting go....

MrsJayy Wed 31-May-17 09:38:45

It is fine to help them just take a step back and stop clucking around them they can work stuff out for themselves

swingofthings Wed 31-May-17 15:41:31

See it as the time to finally look after yourself. It's easy to forget about yourself when you've dedicated all your attention to your family, but the reward when you see that you've done a great job and to reward yourself.

ssd Wed 31-May-17 22:11:01

thanks, I try to do these things and need to remind myself sometimes!

Teenageromance Wed 31-May-17 22:15:11

It is hard to let go and I don't think this is spoken about enough. When they are little we can get loads of support from other mums about the woes of young children. But it is really hard at the other end as well. And not so much talked about. Just empathy from me - I find it hard too xx

ssd Wed 31-May-17 22:23:13


I feel like I still live my life through my kids although they need me less and less, I want to do stuff for myself but I get caught up in giving lifts/making dinner/doing the ironing......

LoveBeingAMum555 Wed 31-May-17 22:29:26

I agree, mine are 16 and 18 and its a strange time, especially now that they have both got girlfriends. I find it helps to really focus on hobbies and interests that have nothing to do with the kids then you have less time to fuss over them. I decided that if I don't start being a bit selfish now the empty nest syndrome is going to hit me very hard!

MrsJayy Wed 31-May-17 22:34:03

I only have 1 teenager left and me &he went on holiday ourselves last month and i am not going to lie it was just odd not having a kid going mum mum mum what we doing today mum mum... grin i guess you just get used to it.

ssd Wed 31-May-17 22:34:30

mine are that age too and that's how I feel

Aroundtheworldandback Wed 31-May-17 22:41:16

Omg op I feel exactly the same. Mine are 17 & 19 and I know my 'baby' is only with me for another year before uni. End of an era. I was a single mother and so very close to him all his childhood. Of course I appreciate me-time now but mad as it sounds, there's only one word I can use to describe it- heartbreaking.

ssd Wed 31-May-17 22:52:56

same here!

I dont want hobbies and a life, I just want my kids near me forever!

I'm a sad git

Teenageromance Thu 01-Jun-17 08:24:01

How difficult I'm finding it has taken me by surprise. I've always found it fairly easy to see them off to first day at school, first trip away with school. Never been a clingy Mum. But this is different. I think it's like a grieving for a really special relationship that has changed forever. You will now not be the centre of their world and no longer know everything that is going on in their lives.

Teenageromance Thu 01-Jun-17 08:24:46

And I know that is the natural way of things but it is still hard

Teenageromance Thu 01-Jun-17 08:26:24

I also wonder if that is the special joy of grand parenthood. That you get to do it all again but this time with more awareness of how precious the time is when they are little

ssd Thu 01-Jun-17 08:39:14

I never had grandparents and both dh and my parents are dead so my kids haven't had grandparents from a young age. I dont have any extended family, it's just me dh and the dc's. Maybe that's why I feel a bit of how I feel, although as you said Teenageromance it is a bit of grief at a special relationship ending, the relationship where your kids are all at home and in your life. I read a poem here about it, its very true, I'll try to copy and paste it.

I want my kids to travel, live abroad, experience life when they are young, like I did, but then I want them to come home and live within a mile of me! grin

ssd Thu 01-Jun-17 09:22:25

I can't find that poem I read on here once, probably just as well, it would bring a tear to a glass eye!

FinallyHere Thu 01-Jun-17 09:24:55

Have you considered covering the information you want to pass on to them, buy asking more specific questions about 'how are you planning to deal with xxx' rather than just buying things that you think they need. They will only really learn through making mistakes, let them fly.....

Oh, and start doing stuff for yourself. Set them a good example as a human being and it will be all good.

ssd Thu 01-Jun-17 09:28:42

trying to pass useful information to a teenager is like fighting with a fish grin

they'll just have to burn food and ruin a wash like I did at 18, no amount of me telling them seems to stick

Hdgshsksk Thu 01-Jun-17 09:40:20

I've four DC aged between 20 and 25 and it's been really interesting watching how our relationships changed from parent-child to parent-adult. It's definitely not a linear transition but more of a two steps forward and one step back type of thing.
I've always felt it was in their best interests for me to take a back seat supportive role - even if I secretly wanted to be 'mothering' them. For example I almost never nagged them about revision as I felt it was up to them to take responsibility for it. I just reminding myself that I needed to switch our relationship status to adults

I actually think it's gone a long way in them being close to me and I think they respect my opinion more because of it. Iyswim

BakewellSliceAgain Thu 01-Jun-17 09:44:08

My teenager will not be told anything by me. It does grate as I see foolish mistakes made and then no attempt to learn from them ! It's always random bad chance..But I do have hope for the long term.

Maudlinmaud Thu 01-Jun-17 09:45:39

It is hard. My eldest went through quite a rebellious hating the world stage. It wasn't pleasant, I wanted to wrap them up and cushion them from the realities of life's trickier twists and turns. But the advice I was given was to let them make her own mistakes and offer support afterwards. Very very tough indeed. My mother was very judgemental and controlling so I didn't want history to repeat itself. It's hard to get the balance right. I still have younger dc who need more from me but I probably will grieve for my role as a mother when they start to branch out and be more independent.

BakewellSliceAgain Thu 01-Jun-17 09:48:25

Well I am hanging back from advising ATM on everything.

Blanketdog Thu 01-Jun-17 10:10:17

I'm not too bad at allowing them to do stuff for themselves but dh is bloody awful - he doesn't spend as much time with them and he just doesn't see how capable they can be if they are left to sort themselves out.
It's bloody hard to let go - I had a month of no cuddles from dd (14) and I was devastated, properly upset, I really thought I'd lost her to the big grown up world, but the cuddles are back again now.....never thought I'd find it so hard!

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