16 yo son's first gf is a nightmare(16 Posts)
I have a really lovely 16 yo son, very focussed at school, lovely circle of friends, loads of extra-curricular activities he really enjoys etc etc - I'm really lucky. He has his first gf and she is a nightmare (no, I'm not being overprotective, I want him to have gfs - even bfs - just nice ones!). She doesn't live near us so they skype every evening and her moods are so unpredictable, sometimes everything is ok, then she goes very uncommunicative which really upsets him. The last straw was on Saturday - he was getting so excited about going to her house to celebrate her 16th bday party, all was going well, then suddenly she tells him she feels suicidal (not for the first time). He tries to calm her down but he ends up phoning her parents at midnight to let them know. She goes ballistic and wants to finish with him. He's devastated as he thought he was doing the right thing. Long story short - he's gone to the party and stayed 2 nights and due back home today. I really think she has problems and do not want my 16 yo to be her counselor AND they are in the middle of GCSEs. Should I contact her mother? Should I leave everything til exams are over? Advice appreciated.
why would you contact her mother, does the mother not know about the suicide ideation?
It's important to tell him that he deserves the best quality relationships and isn't obliged to accept anything yes. He is also not responsible for her lifetime. of emotional baggage.
It's important that he knows that it's his decision to walk away from the relationship when he does decide to break up (at 16, we can assume this is not forever).
Well the good news is that this is his first girlfriend so it won't last and she won't be your/his problem for very long.
Advice, keep your mouth shut about her and just be there for if he does want to talk it. Remind him that he can end it at any time and isn't responsible for her behaviours even if she threatens suicide if he tries to end it. (My exp used to threaten suicide all the time)
Alternative advice: introduce him to lots of nice 16 year olds.
Agree with others - as much as this much be frustrating, it probably won't last. I also think that we've got to have these nightmare partners when we're younger to know what we really want when we're older. Just think how much he'll appreciate the lovely woman he ends up with
I've experienced this with one of my DS. It's upsetting to see your lovely son being manipulated by an attentions seeking drama queen. Like pp have said though, it's all part of growing up, try not to interfere or slag her off, as this will make him withdraw from talking to you about it. Just be a supportive as you can, encourage him to see his mates and do other things. Hopefully he'll get fed up with it. Is he going to college in September? If so he'll soon meet a whole load of new people.
Don't bank on it not lasting. DS has been with his strange GF for 21/2 years. She just announced she's going to go to the same Uni as DS ffs.
She's not horrible as such but very, very much a special princess.
Well 2.5 years isn't very long (I know it is when you're 16/17/18) so I still wouldn't count that as lasting. Advise both of them to wear super thick condoms <I was a teen mum- you can't get rid of them when there is a baby>
Honestly I would have made him stay at home and not go to her house for the party. It would make you unpopular but he might be wanting you to take some control of this. They are not quite adults yet at this stage and I would say this is too much for your son to deal with at this age and this stage of his life (GCSEs). I know lots will come in here and say you can't control at this age but there are plenty of consequences you can put in at this age.
I was emotionally blackmailed in a similar way at the same age and all I wanted was one of my parents to say, no this is not on and not your problem, you're staying at home and give me your phone!
I felt so out of control and overwhelmed. But hindsight is a wonderful thing I suppose and everyone will react differently.
Could you start a conversation about a made up friends made up child who's in this relationship where xyz happens and what advice would he give seems as he's the same age? Sort of thing.
You are probably right. I am quite a strict parent but try to weigh up what to be firm about - think I've got it very wrong about this, I should not have let him stay over at her house from the word go. Have decided to try to be cool until exams are over but then making it very clear that if he wants a gf 100 miles away with train tickets costing 24+, he will have to give up some of the things he does at the weekend and get a job! I'm just very concerned that he doesn't get screwed up by her threats, he's a very sensitive soul and has had his own issues (bereavements) to deal with in the past.
Really appreciate all the comments. It's horrible when you get it wrong as a parent and you know it. Wish I could rewind to 6 months ago, but I was pleased for him at the start as he goes to a boys only school and it was his first proper gf. He has learnt a lot about relationships and has taken things on board, just wish he would now move on and start afresh with all his new found knowledge.
My favourite saying is: there's not enough in the world to be the parent of a teenager
I suspect as we are in Scotland that he would be even further from here,
But I have a lovely 16 year old dd who is being treated like crap by her first bf just now. She is so kind and just wants to feel wanted and he blows hot and cold and goes for days without messaging and then is lovely when he sees her but messages turn horrible a day later. She is upset and confused and I am upset and frustrated.
So maybe we can get our lovely MN teens all match-made and have some arranged relationships to avoid the angst?
It's so difficult when they get into romantic relationships because you are having to react to things when they (quite naturally) don't tell you everything about the relationship. So you are having to make judgements on half knowledge.
Perhaps talk to him about the struggles you are having with knowing how to give him independence but also worried about him being in an unhealthy relationship. It might open the conversation up to what he thinks about it all.
I'm getting much of the teenager years wrong and some right. But when I reach the point where I really don't know what the right course of action is I go and speak openly about my dilemmas to them and it usually opens a way we can both move forward from.
Sounds a good idea but the train fares to Essex are bad enough
Sorry, was replying to Isadora2007, thought it would appear under her post
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