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When does it get easier for teen girls????

(16 Posts)
DD0314 Sun 28-May-17 23:55:14

DD14 is really struggling socially. Her friendship group changes regularly and they always fall out over BS. She's only got one real friend and even that isn't solid. She speaks to people at school but hasn't really settled anywhere. She has some good days but her life is pretty lonely and it's breaking my heart. I've looked into groups outside of school but she's not remotely interested. I'm absolutely hating watching her go through secondary school. When does it get easier? When do teen girls stop being so bitchy and nasty? angry

Jakadaal Sun 28-May-17 23:59:10

I could have written that post OP but for me it's teen boys and ds (13)

Sadly I haven't found any solutions but am just trying to support him as best I can, give him strategies for navigating some of the issues and reassure him that it's not his fault -oh and hope longingly for the day that he becomes part of a solid friendship group with no dramas

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Mon 29-May-17 00:09:27

I have a dd aged 13 and one aged 11. Dd1 went through a period like this and re-jigged her while friendship group. It was traumatic at the time but has all settled now. Dd2 is heading to secondary school this year (Scotland) and is already up and down and up and down with her friends. Girls seem to be so difficult! Dd1 did brilliantly. We talked a lot but ultimately she sorted it out herself, and traded her primary friends for one's with similar interests and goals to hers. Dd1 has impressed me with her lack of response to peer pressure, whereas I worry dd2 worries too much about what others think.

Bottom line, it does sort itself out, but it takes time, and you do feel helpless standing watching. You can't tell them it will be ok , even though you know it will! You just have to listen to the rants, try to say helpful things (which get thrown back in your face!) and be there to listen, I think.

DD0314 Mon 29-May-17 00:17:14

@Jakadaal Sad times. It's so difficult for them and so awful to watch.
@ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs it's reassuring to hear there is still hope. You hit the nail on the head with how I'm feeling, totally and utterly helpless. It's literally tearing me apart watching her go through it all and not being able to fix it for her.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Mon 29-May-17 01:33:06

It is so hard to watch them struggle, when you know you can't actually do anything! With dd1 all her old friends seemed to suddenly get into boys when she didn't see the point in them at all (yet!!) As such she didn't /doesn't giggle along with the things they say and calls them out on sexist/racist remarks that made her peers cross with her. She was at a bit of a loss and didn't see how she could make new friends, but she has, and I am so proud of her for not just following the crowd. Dd2 is a bit more complex but I hope she will find her own way too. There's really not a lot you can do except be there every day, listening. You will still get grief for everything you say to try to herlp, but eventually they understand that you have tried!!

BlackadderBells Mon 29-May-17 01:56:52

When they find their 'tribe'. depending on her interests, encourage her to go to as many non-school based groups as possible.

FloralCouchPants Mon 29-May-17 02:28:55

I'm 24 so it hasn't been that long ago that I went through all that. Honestly it wasn't until I was about 16 that I got in with a really good group of friends. I was extremely sociable but when it used to be a couple friends here and there I finally had a real good solid group and 2 or 3 really close girl friends.

Out2pasture Mon 29-May-17 03:01:14

definitely closer to 20
not before 18
and not the first year of uni.

Timmytoo Mon 29-May-17 04:48:09

It doesn't unfortunately. My mother kept telling me it would be better after school that I'd make friends etc, it wasn't. It never got better, the bitchiness and bullying just went from school to a workplace. I never made friends, I'm 37 and I only have my fiancée and a friend that lives hours away. That's it!

Timmytoo Mon 29-May-17 04:51:17

Not to be negative, I do work with great colleagues now and in an amazing industry but I still haven't made good friends that I can visit etc only acquaintances.

Firefries Mon 29-May-17 04:56:00

I think about the last year or two of school. There's a maturing that goes on and most of the kids settle down and start thinking about better grades...? Not always. Sometimes at university.

Blogwoman Mon 29-May-17 22:54:33

Horrible to watch them go through this. My DD was so lonely, & miserable, through secondary school. Every year I thought it would get better. Making a friend out of school was a really good thing (met through friends of ours & then joined an out of school activity the new friend went to), though it changed nothing at school. As someone else has said, be there - listening is so important &, I leaned, being able to acknowledge that things are rotten, not always downplay them because you want things to seem not so bad. Do think about a change of school for 6th form. My DD has just come to the end of 2 lovely years at another school, with great friend at last & been happy to go to school - a wonderful change. Hang in there flowers

JustDanceAddict Tue 30-May-17 18:27:55

Sorry to hear. It's so tough - my DD struggles - although she is also fussy which doesn't help - I've tried to encourage her to move away from the more two-faced types but she doesn't either. She's done an out of school activity for 4 years and has finally made a proper friend there - although they are leaving it in a few weeks due to their ages! She tried a youth group but left after a couple of months - too much like hard work having to socialise she pretty much said.
She wants to change school for sixth form so we are going to look at a couple that will be very different from where she is now, maybe things will change, but who knows?
I was lucky as met great friends out of school through a club, but it didn't happen for DD and if they're not interested there's not much you can do.,
It frustrates me as I make friends really easily so not much I can advise if it's just not happening.

DD0314 Tue 30-May-17 23:40:55

Ladies it's not sounding great. Its sad yet reassuring how normal this seems to be. These girls don't have it easy. This week I've taken the approach of planning lots of family activities that she enjoys, hoping she's not feeling the loneliness quite as much.
@JustDanceAddict me and my DD have the opposite problem, she's naturally quite bubbly whereas I'm shy. And you're right, sometimes it just isn't happening.

DD0314 Tue 30-May-17 23:42:50

@BlogWoman Thank you so much x hopefully things will come good 🙏

paganmolloy Wed 31-May-17 08:56:21

Have found this thread reassuring. Most other articles on dealing with teenage girls discusses the shouting, flouncing, stroppyness but my DD doesn't seem to fit into those categories. She does seem like quite a few of your DDs though. She won't run with the pack and gets irritated by just about everyone at school including her closest friends, of whom there are only 3/4. This week she has barely said more than a handful of words to me. She looks utterly miserable and spends most of her time watching Youtube videos. She says she can't quite relate to anyone at school. She is very cerebral and can have very deep, thoughtful conversations but I bear the brunt of any angst. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells. Last night we went out for a walk and whilst I'm trying to be jolly and start conversations, she answers in a monosyllabic way that makes it sooooooooo difficult. When I try to ask her if anything is wrong she answers like a barrister picking holes in someone's defence and then turns it around to make out like I think she's a bad person. Gawd, for asking how she is doing!!!!!!! It is without doubt the most emotionally draining period of my life, divorcing my ex was easier.

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