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I don;t know how to ....................

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onehippoallalone Tue 16-May-17 23:58:23

I've never before set all this out in one place, but tonight I have reached the point where I need to reflect honestly on my dd . Forgive the stream of consciousness - it's cathartic and I need help pulling it all together. My dd is 13. After a tantrum-free toddler period, we have:
1. Repeated failure to do homework. Lies to me about whether it is set/ done. This week she lied to her teachers and head of year too. I know we are inconsistent in dealing with this. As a general rule, we do consequences. There is no consequence that really is big enough - dd doesn't actually care about much (which makes us sad in itself) so this ends up going without consequences at school and at home.
Has led to detentions in the past (she dont care) and situation where a bright (shld be mid-class in her selective school) does not achieve her potential.
2. Lies at home all the time. About doing homework, anything. Tonight for example I asked her to put all her school stuff on one shelf in her bedroom instead of the floor, desk, underwear drawers and a shelf. She went upstairs, put music on. Came down, told me she had done it. I went into her room as she was getting ready for shower before bed. Not been done at all. I tell her how disappointed I am. I speak before thinking often - with hindsight feel I make everything about me - eg I am disappointed, I have done X for her and she does Y. Wish I cld learn to change my speech - in truth wld do most things 10 times over to make my troubled dd into a happy and confident dd. Am I the prob?
3. Eating/ money. DD spent all her bday money (£200) on eating trash from school cafe. Always find sweets/ wrappers that I dont know how she got. She takes small amounts from me and runs her lunch card on max overdraft
4. Explosive tantrums, frustrations, leading to kicking, fighting. Sometimes we know she is just spoiling for a fight and doesn't stop until she has got one.
5. Social - does have some lovely friends. But finds social situations hard with own age group. A bit older or younger is better but still not "right". Feel for her so much in this respect - often is a bit picked on (low level if that's possible) or just submissive. Conversations can be inappropriately immature. Can chat beautifully with adults who take interest and sometimes just v slightly off-point. Most adults meeting her think amazing girl.
6. She is an amazing beautiful girl. Shes not happy in her skin a lot of the time. My heart breaks for her unhappiness. She can't/ doesn't articulate her feelings. Tantrums, failure to do school work and lies are taking over our lives. Easy to forget how to enjoy her charm and delightful personality.

Reading other threads on MN, have ordered The Explosive Child tonight. School fairly supportive - they are convinced any problem is "organisational" I think more to it than that, but don't know what.

Any thoughts/ recommendations/ shared anecdotes (ideally with positive spin!) gratefully received

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