Can I please have advice on how to deal with situation involving DD and drugs

[WhenTheDragonsCame]

DD1 has been a handful for the last 18 months but things had appeared to be improving. No disappearing overnight or fixed term exclusions since last year.

She has started hanging around after school with a new group of teenagers, some from her school and some boys that go to a different school. Earlier today I noticed that she had received a message from one of these friends asking if she want to meet up this evening and get some draw. I didn't know what this meant but have been told it is cannabis. I asked her about it and she has said that the message was sent to her by mistake and she doesn't do drugs. I don't think I believe her as it just doesn't seem to ring true.

I am not sure what to do now. I have no evidence to know if she has been doing drugs so not sure if punishments would cause her to be resentful and she is saying it is non of my business.

Any advice would be gratefully received as I am feeling quite stressed with it all. Thank you.

[tissuesosoft]

I would inform your DD's school and the school of her friend (if you know it). I would be tempted to inform your local police. If she was buying drugs and was caught the legal system will cause her more problems in the future than a punishment you could dish out.
How old is she? Can you take her phone from her in the evenings?
I'm sorry if it isn't great advice, just thinking of steps that have been taken with parents of teenagers I have worked with

[WhenTheDragonsCame]

DD1 is 15.

The girls both go to the same school. DD1 asked for £10 at the weekend and said the friend wanted to buy something but didn't say what it was. At the moment she has access to her phone at night but her internet is turned off. Most of the icons disappear so she can't do much with it.

I think I might try calling the school tomorrow. I spoke to the girls mum at the weekend briefly and she mentioned that the girl had been drinking a few weeks ago.

Thank you.

[Themadnessthatismylife]

Hiya, this must be really distressing for you. In my opinion you have one of two options; you go all out, ring the school, ring the other girls parents and have a full blown war with DD, or you talk about it, in a non judgemental way.

If you choose to go the talking route I'd suggest that you do it when driving somewhere. That way it isn't so intense. There's less eye contact and no opportunity for her to walk away.

I'd start with sharing some experience of your own where you might have lied to your parents etc so that she can see you aren't saying you are perfect (she's more likely to listen then), and move on to discussing how you are worried that she might end up in a dangerous situation.

In my experience and opinion, it is always better to keep the lines of communication open than to destroy them. Her behaviour is unlikely to change if she feels unable to communicate with you, however she might get better at hiding it.

[WhenTheDragonsCame]

Thank you Themadnessthatismylife. Talking to DD can be tricky as she tends to either agree with everything you say as she thinks that is what you want to hear or shuts down and doesn't engage. I also have 2 younger DDs who are with us whenever we are in the car together, and DD2 likes to get her opinion in which obviously winds DD1 up.

This is just another thing in a long line of stress I have had because of DD1s behaviour. I start to think things are improving and something else comes up.

With this plus DD2 getting a detention for bullying (don't know the details as was told by another parent not the teacher) and DD3 crying doing her homework I have had enough today!

[Themadnessthatismylife]

I have a 16 year old DS and two younger DS's who do exactly the same.

I caught DS1 watching porn (google history) at the age of 12, and he denied, denied, denied. I then decided to talk to him over the phone and he finally admitted it and we had a sensible discussion.

For him if he feels under scrutiny he does exactly that; shuts down and denies but a calm approach with limited eye contact works.

If I were you I'd engineer a time when you can leave DD2&3 out of it (even if it means dragging DD1 out of school early for a "dentists appointment " and try then.

[WhenTheDragonsCame]

It is hard isn't it? Never knowing if she is telling the truth or not. Even down to asking if a pair of trousers fit! She will say yes but never wear them and when I ask why she says they don't fit

We have a friend of hers staying with us this week but I will try and speak to her calmly when the other DC are in bed.

Thank you. It helps to get advice here as I don't really feel comfortable talking to anybody in real life.

[Themadnessthatismylife]

And here I was thinking it was only my idiot child that did things like that!! Ffs; if you don't like it or it doesn't fit I'll take it back!!

[Teardropexplodes]

At 15 you can still restrict her funds. Obviously the desireable option is for her to make better choices but it's what I do with DS. It's smoking with him. I don't go to work to buy him cigarettes.

[WhenTheDragonsCame]

Themadnessthatismylife we were in the in the uniform shop and after DD1 tried on the trousers I asked if they fitted. Yes she said. A week into school she hadn't worn said trousers. When I asked why she said they didn't fit. Why not tell me in the bloody shop where we could have got a different size!

Teardropexplodes I have had the smoking thing as well so she isn't getting regular pocket money at the moment. She also texted America 165 times last month costing me nearly £60 more than it should have done

[fessmess]

You could have been describing my dd1 when she was 15. I kept seeing messages about "getting high" and "green" and told it wasn't what I thought. Turns out she was smoking it lOADS. Fell ill with anxiety and depression, failed her GCSES and loads and loads of crap. Talk to her, please. The hard method will backfire.

[MajesticWhine]

DD1 is 16, she has smoked weed several times and has admitted this to me. I'm of the opinion that unfortunately most kids (certainly round where we live) will be exposed to drugs and many of them will try it. I don't know what phoning the police or taking a hard line about it will achieve. Luckily DD says she is not interested any more and has a boyfriend who is very anti drugs. My approach is, assume the worst, don't be shocked, keep talking about it, including talking about all the harm that comes from drugs. If you accuse and react very severely then you close down any chance of having those conversations.

[ragged]

Is £10 enough to buy any "draw"?

[oleoleoleole]

£10 will buy a bag of weed 😔

[Gallymum1]

I'd take the talking route too x I really feel that taking the hard line will only lead to conflict and division x I hope things get better for you soon x