This is a Premium feature
First proper lie(9 Posts)
I have a teenage daughter, 15. She's just gorgeous, inside and out. She's a high achiever at school and hangs around with a great crowd.
At the weekend she asked to go to a friends house for a sleepover which we ( my husband ) agreed to. She was with 3 other friends. She was given money to go get treats, all was good.
While she was away I had a notification that she had turned off her phone tracker ( standard apple app which she knows is there and that I look at occasionally when she is out just to know where she is as being in a rural town we don't always get signal ).
I text her when this showed on my phone that she had turned it off to make sure she was ok. She replied with " yes, just turned iCloud off ". I didn't look into it.
So tonight she let slip that she and friends were hanging round town until late ( 11 plus ) there was a fair in town, she said they all went to the fair. She didn't want to tell me what she was doing as she thought I'd say no, which I have never done. I've always bent over backwards to let her be able to do exactly what she wants. I was bought up by a mother I feared and certainly don't want this for her.
So why lie? And more so, how should I react? At 15 I don't want her hanging round town late at night. She tells me other girls are doing worse and she feels like she's missing out.
I'm flummoxed. I genuinely don't know how to react to this? Make a deal of it? Don't make a deal of it? All I want to do is make sure she can talk to me and never ever fear me.
Parenting just gets tougher!
You sound very reasonable, but she is 15 and they lie, I certainly did! I'd tell her you're disappointed and sad she couldn't tell you, explain how you've always let her do things because you want to have mutual trust with her and lying has let you down and you only care about her safety and looking after her.
Lying is a very important development and part of her becoming an adult. How you handle that will affect her the rest of her life.
So why lie? And more so, how should I react? At 15 I don't want her hanging round town late at night.
You've just answered your own 'so why lie?' question!
She told you in the end though. Reacting badly to the truth won't encourage more of it. At 15 it's about accepting what she wants to do in reason even if you don't approve... not sure the lie is that bad when she volunteered the truth without having to. She has a habit of being honest don't make her regret it.
Yup, parenting does get tougher. I think the vast majority of teenagers lie and push boundaries just because. There's nothing you are or are not doing to cause it - it's just part of their teenager-hood. They take risks. You say you've let her be able to do whatever she wants - but she knows, as any bright child would know, that there are always limits of what is or isn't acceptable behaviour. And that's why she lied - she knew she'd pushed the boundaries. What you can do is have a talk about safety - about not putting herself in dangerous situations, about how she has to take some personal responsibility for her wellbeing. And then keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best.
Thank you all so much, you've helped me put all of this teenage stuff into perspective.
We had a talk about safety and should something of happened then I wouldn't have known where she was. I told her I was disappointed, ( I actually couldn't believe I was doing the " I'm disappointed " talk 😆) and I also said that there would be a punishment for lying so blatantly to me, which will be her losing out on a weeks worth of pocket money.
I really hope this isn't the start of the boundary pushing phase. She's got so much to look forward to, on plan for some awesome GCSE results and a great future. I know that her behaviour is normal and it's how I react that matters. I don't have a relationship with my mother, she can't stand me and we haven't talked for years, so I think that this is probably what's making me so scared about cocking up. I never want my girl to feel unloved, unwanted.
Dizzy, you sound like you're doing a great job. Don't be hard on yourself.
Teenagers have to grow up - don't forget, in three years time (or less) your DD will be 18, and an adult, and will have to be able to manage risk, look after herself and make sensible decisions. She won't be an adult overnight without making some mistakes as she develops and grows. Tbh, 11 p.m. at a fair at her age isn't that 'out there'. Where we live it's fairly standard but my children do have to agree the three Ws with us - Where they are going, Who they are with and When they will be back. We say this is the minimum we need to know in case of emergency e.g. what if their dad has a heart attack and we need to find them? Or they go missing, we would need to know where to start a search! We tell them these things are hugely unlikely but that it is better to be safe than sorry, and they understand our reasoning.
Perhaps you could let your DD know that, whatever she wants to do/wherever she wants to go, she should talk to you about it so that you and she together can decide appropriate 'safety measures', consider transport etc. so that she can have a great time without any unnecessary risks, and you can relax, trust her and know that she is growing up appropriately and without the need for arguments.
We also repeat, constantly, the phrase 'OK, so I'm expecting you back at 7 for dinner unless you telephone to make some other arrangement'. Which seems to work.
You sound like a great mum ad she's a great kid! Well done.
I think I would do exactly what you have done. A punishment for lying but don't blow your top because she told you the truth very quickly and that will put her off being honest in future.
During adolescence teenagers get obsessed with their friends and their social life, that's totally normal. Lying to make sure she could go to a thing rather than missing out was wrong but probably made sense to her at the time.
I think you need to keep open conversation. For example don't shy away from what you are worried about. Fairs at night attract drunk people, older men who may be high or drunk and she and her friends are vulnerable. Predatory men/groups target groups of young teenage girls at places like fairs. Plus obviously you had no idea where she was.
She may think nothing bad will ever happen to her but it does happen and she needs to be prepared. You can't expect that she will never want to go out to the fair or similar again but she needs to know how to keep herself safe, which includes parents knowing where she is!!
Please login first.