Page 4 | Done with the disrespect. Have i gone overboard?

(88 Posts)
Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 12:40:11

I have been as patient and as understanding as i possibly can do with my son.
I have managed to stop his disrespectful behaviour at home...to a point. Only it seems to have now escalated outside of the home.
School being one of the main points. Its got that bad they dont even feel he is capable of mainstream school anymore. They are containing him until he has been statemented.

Regardless of any underlying issue - there is no excuse for rude and disrespectful behaviour.
I have had enough now.

I have disconnected his xbox and removed internet from any of his devices.
I am currently buying out of his phone contract (on hold) because hes not able to stay within its limits.

My plan is he gets absolutely no form of internet access or easy way to communicate with his friends. Until there is a massive improvement.

I havent gone over the top have i?

OP’s posts: |
KindDogsTail Wed 03-May-17 22:53:12

Don't be sorry, you've got a lot on your hands and why should yo not talk about it.

In my opinion, it often seems difficult for boys to manage without a dad around; and difficult for them to manage when they have a troublesome dad too, however wonderful their mother.

1nsanityscatching Wed 03-May-17 23:13:12

I think until children with invisible disabilities are born with a bright red A on their foreheads schools, teachers and Joe Public will judge them on their outward appearance to be "totally fine" tbh.
It infuriates me at times tbh. Dd has her diagnosis and a good statement describing her difficulties and needs but still the school have only a basic and tenuous understanding and I have to explain so much (and dd has the autism specialist TA as her 1 to 1 hmm)
They meet the statement and act on all my pointers (because they wouldn't dare not to wink) but they don't exactly inspire confidence and dd gets the best support of any child in that school.
Dd is very bright, has a huge vocabulary and has speech that shows she is intelligent, deep thinking and reasoned. They still don't grasp that she has communication difficulties and then are surprised when I contact them with a problem because "dd never mentioned anything" They know dd is highly anxious but then are surprised when all the constant little changes that happen weekly and without notice leave her unable to cope or to refuse.They still see refusal as her being difficult even though they know she has acute anxiety and is generally rule bound,it's exhausting at times if I'm honest.
I feel for your boy you know, he's not really arguing the toss I don't think. I suspect he has very rigid ideas and an inability to see the other person's point of view and really he is trying to explain himself. The teachers see it as insolence and expect him to respect their authority. Ds sees them as equal and is frustrated he's not getting his point across and afterwards he's confused about what he did wrong Dd and ds both struggle with seeing others' authority as well, dd often says "who made them queen/king?" but she's learnt to do it quietly to me later nowadays wink,ds just used to growl which got his point across without him needing to say a word grin .
Lots of things are bizarre to ds and dd for instance "why tell someone their dress is lovely when you think it's hideous if telling lies is wrong?" "why shouldn't you point out to a teacher where their spelling and grammar is wrong when they underline mistakes in your books?" etc etc the list goes on and on,there's no wonder they are stressed tbh.
I'm glad today has been better,you handled the twenty minutes just like I would and Netflix chilling sounds great. I think you should trust your instincts tbh, you get results doing things your way so carry on don't be afraid to challenge the school's methods if you think they are wrong or feel forced to support that at home either.You are your child's best advocate, remember that.

Oblomov17 Thu 04-May-17 10:51:30

Rant away OP. MN is here to support you.

My ds also has little respect for teachers or anyone in authority really and thinks they are all idiots.

A school who are set and rigid in their mindset is a hindrance to most of us SN mums, that's for sure!!

Good luck OP!!

mamawoo Fri 05-May-17 07:44:32

No advice but I understand DS2 also 12 and in year 7 has not settled in well detentions for disrespect and no homework a plenty report cards etc it's never his fault always someone else's he doesn't get that you can't talk to adults the way he does he can't organise himself and it always goes wrong no matter how hard I try - never had any issues like this at juniors so it comes as a bolt from the blue!

Nipplesunited Fri 05-May-17 13:38:45

It definitely seems like it is some form of autism. When reading your posts 1nsanity, i can relate to a fair bit of it with my son. So thank you for sharing. It has helped massively with bringing me back from pure frustration with him, to more understanding.
It is also reassuring to know tha i am not alone. It seems there are quite a few who can relate to my son, so i hope that this thread has helped others too.

I never had any issues like this in primary. It seemed like a switch flicked and he was different.
He has always been a messy boy. He can lay on his bed and have rubbish beside his head from where he has ate crisps and what not. Even bowls at times. I went to wake him the other day and there was a cup of milk beside his head and the bed was soaked, along with the floor. He obviously made the drink, never drank any of it and fell asleep with it standing on his bed beside him.
He has a cabinet in arms reach he could have placed it on.

He didnt come in until 9:50 lastnight. Brilliant excuses yet again...he was taking his mates home. Theyre older than he is and dont need to be in until later than he does. He must think i have no brain.

I have told him if he has a 10 minute window from his in time. If he is not in after 10 minutes past his in time, i am reporting him missing.
Over the top, maybe...but i dont know how else to make sure he is home on time.
He wants the internet back on his tablet and xbox so i have told him if he comes home on time it is something i will consider. Hopefully that is enough and i dont need to go down the reporting him route

OP’s posts: |
Squeegle Sun 07-May-17 11:23:34

OP, sorry for what you're going through. Don't have the answers either, I have DS who is 13, constantly in trouble at school and rude at home. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD so is impulsive and argumentative and also aggressive. I think puberty has a huge amount to answer for with these boys. I am finding empathy works better than punishment st the moment, but it is extremely difficult to know where to draw the line. Also with these big boys punishments are difficult to impose i.e. Grounding.
Good luck, keep on with the school, you need to get the ed psych on the case and a proper diagnosis of his difficulties so that you and they all know how best to support. It is so wearing, I do sympathise, it drives me to the edge too!

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Backingvocals Sun 07-May-17 11:48:38

No real advice other than to say a family member has similar traits. Everything seems fine except inability to keep his head down - relentlessly argumentative and stubborn. Will not back down ever. CAMHS have said there is massive anxiety there (which you would never guess from his everyday demeanour) and the intransigence is a desperate attempt to control. Result - endless detentions, threats of exclusion, all over bits of nonsense. It starts just how you said OP - silly behaviour such as flicking a bit of paper or chatting - and then the belligerence and stubbornness means it escalates to the point of having all the authorities involved.

It can look a bit like AS but actually in his case it isn't.

Just sharing in case this might sound familiar.

millifiori Sun 07-May-17 11:59:32

Hi OP,
I don't think you're being too harsh. But i wonder if you have had proper conversations with him, where you try and get him to understand the positive reasons behind your and the school's reactions to him. So instead of saying: in within 10 minutes of the time I say or I'll report you missing, which he might interpret as a threat, ask him: why do you think I set a time for you to come home. Listen to his answer. it always amazes me how wrong DS gets the reasons behind why we do things. If you make it clear it's because his safety and health and happiness, and yours too are at the root of it all, and that you want and deserve for both of you to feel safe and secure and calm - that's your job as a mum, maybe he'll have a change of attitude. It may sound unlikely but it works with DS2 who is autistic. He needs everything explaining very clearly. he can't work out the emotional or background motives for what adults do when it affects him.

As to the cups of tea on his head stuff grin - I think that's just teenage brain. Make a joke of it maybe. I still mother mine a bit and make them a supper - hot drink and snack before bed, so they don't need to take the cup upstairs.

millifiori Sun 07-May-17 12:02:54

If his bed's wet from a drink being spilled, you could just nicely tell him to strip his bed, load the wahsing machine, get out new sheets and duvet covers and make his bed. No need ot get bossy or angry, but I always comment: It's a lot of work isn't it? it's tiring. That's why it makes me grumpy when it happens. I'll let you clear it up from now on so I don't get grumpy at you. But the deal is - if you have drinks in your room, then you must change the bed if they spill. That, or drink stuff downstairs - what do you choose?

My DS is autistic so I have to make these very clear rules but try and give him a bit of control over them by offering a choice, so he doesn't feel nagged.

Nipplesunited Mon 08-May-17 08:23:10

I just let the milk thing go, i just ranted about it on here instead ha.
That is interesting to find similar traits but it not being any form of autism, so thank you for sharing.

I have tried talking to him in every which way. I have tried staying on the positive approach. In fact, i think that is probably my main role i take. I just dont think it works. Although i do still try.
The past two nights he has came home early, which i am pleased about. Especially lastnight as he chose to leave with a friend who left earlier so that he didnt need to head back on his own. That usually wouldnt happen.
Now he has his tablet and xbox and knows i will confiscate both if he is late again.
I will try the choice thing millifori as it might work. It was a choice i offered for the tablet and xbox really. (If he chooses to come home on time he can have access) so i will try and use choices more often.

He is the type of kid that needs very clear rules and wording. Because i let him go for a day out with friends in another town, he now believes he has free reign to play in any town between ours and the one he had a day out in. He cant understand why.

Im so pleased their day out wasnt in a different borough ha id never know where he was!

OP’s posts: |
millifiori Mon 08-May-17 16:01:26

I'm not saying he's autistic, but that very clear wording thing is exactly how my DS is. You need to spell everything out in really clear terms. Like: Today you can go to Next Town to see This Mate. But it won't always be convenient, so if you want to go out tomorrow, or any other day, you need to check with me again, like you did today. OK?

I've learned to my cost that just saying, 'Yes that's fine' is taken to mean now and always for everything. smile

PokemonWanker Tue 09-May-17 18:13:44

In the same boat here with DS who is 14. We've been fighting for a diagnosis, any sort of help, EHCP, etc for ages. I've found you just need to keep chasing everyone and be on their case all the time.

Those of you who don't give consequences, what do you do if your DC deliberately damages property, swears/is verbally aggressive, comes home late, etc? We've been cutting off the wifi from the router as a consequence, it has never had any effect and I'm at a loss how to proceed. Do you ignore the behaviours? Even when calm DS can't see my perspective when I try to explain.

TeenTan Fri 19-May-17 14:34:22

"relentlessly argumentative and stubborn. Will not back down ever

^^ this.

CAMHS have said there is massive anxiety there (which you would never guess from his everyday demeanour) and the intransigence is a desperate attempt to control. Result - endless detentions, threats of exclusion, all over bits of nonsense. It starts just how you said OP - silly behaviour such as flicking a bit of paper or chatting - and then the belligerence and stubbornness means it escalates to the point of having all the authorities involved

^how it is for my son at school

It can look a bit like AS but actually in his case it isn't

Backingvocals this has been my experience with my 14 year old son in the last year or two (and getting worse).

How did you decide it was generalised "anxiety" rather than ASD? Just wondering.

I'm fed up with the whole bloody thing.

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