Done with the disrespect. Have i gone overboard?

(88 Posts)
Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 12:40:11

I have been as patient and as understanding as i possibly can do with my son.
I have managed to stop his disrespectful behaviour at a point. Only it seems to have now escalated outside of the home.
School being one of the main points. Its got that bad they dont even feel he is capable of mainstream school anymore. They are containing him until he has been statemented.

Regardless of any underlying issue - there is no excuse for rude and disrespectful behaviour.
I have had enough now.

I have disconnected his xbox and removed internet from any of his devices.
I am currently buying out of his phone contract (on hold) because hes not able to stay within its limits.

My plan is he gets absolutely no form of internet access or easy way to communicate with his friends. Until there is a massive improvement.

I havent gone over the top have i?

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Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 12:40:42

He is 12

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Lesdiscrets Mon 01-May-17 12:43:20

Have you tried speaking to him to find out why hes behaving like that? Explained he will have to go to a new school and wont see his friends anomore?

But ultimately I would be doing the same.

Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 13:17:54

Loads of people have. He cant take responsibility for his own actions and in his head...his behaviour is due to what somebody else has done. He doesnt seem to understand things properly.

He feels like his behaviour is justified even though it never could be. He just cant see that. If he can, he is really good at making others believe he cant.

Example: he accidently flicks something in class and gets told off. He would insist he hadnt thrown it, but it slipped out of his hand by accident. He would then get caught in a loop about the teacher not being able to see how it might have been an accident and then escalate the whole situation with arguing his case for the teacher to agree to his viewpoint.
Teacher would then put consequences in place for that but he would feel he is being majorly punished for something so little (which it was to begin with). Behaviour escalates again due to that.

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LiveLifeWithPassion Mon 01-May-17 13:33:42

Is he finding school difficult?
I dont think you have as long as you're helping him with adjusting to this too. If he is reliant on gadgets for entertainment then it's going to be hard for him.
Get him out and about too.

Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 13:50:42

Im not sure on whether he finds school difficult or not. He can do the work, if he wanted to. Its just he ends up getting told off for silly things which he then escalates into major things.

He is always out and about. The gadgets are his entertainment on a night.
So its not going to be a massive impact on him, but enough to still bother him

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elisa2502 Mon 01-May-17 13:54:27

As a teacher in a specialist School. No you aren't being too harsh. Privileges have to be earnt. All too often i see parents not follow through threats and who reward children massively for behaving for example for 1 lesson.


Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 14:05:43

Thank you all of reassuring me im not being too harsh.
I feel awful because i was trying to remain understanding but enough is enough.

His phone though...i have to wait 30 days for the number to cease to exist. Its ridiculous. He has racked up 55 pounds worth on the bill which is meant to be 5 and they wont block it. Even though i have just bought out of the contract i still need to wait 30 days.

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cdtaylornats Mon 01-May-17 14:20:08

Remove the sim card

Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 14:22:39

I will do when i get my hands on it

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1nsanityscatching Mon 01-May-17 14:29:22

It sounds pretty extreme behaviour if the school are looking to have him statemented (do you mean EHCP?) and moved out of mainstream. Is he under CAMHS? Has there been any assessments made to see if there is an underlying reason for his behaviour? Was his behaviour always difficult or has the move to secondary triggered it?
Have you spoken to your GP? Getting support fromhealth alongside education is always helpful.

Harriedharriet Mon 01-May-17 14:38:32

IMO you are being understanding. You can be understanding and have consequences at the same time. Let him know this. Also let him know that you remember how hard it was. Remind him it gets easier at certain stages and worse at oth er s. "In fact," says you, "I think you are doing better at this age than i was"! grin Frame it for him a bit.

Astro55 Mon 01-May-17 14:45:53

Doesn't he argue every point with you OP?

How have you sorted it at home?

Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 14:48:44

The EHCP is underway. So many things have been thrown out i dont know what is what anymore.
He has seen the ed psyche. Camhs have refused him. We appealed and they turned him down again. We are all (school, support worker, ed psyche and myself) are going to push for a referral again.

The behaviour escalated a few weeks into secondary. It has just progressively got worse. The behaviour did start at home first. I got a hold on it, but it seems the school was the next outlet for him. Now they are struggling and dont understand how and why i am not having issues at home.

I think its to do with me being able to do one to one, where as there are so many different teachers with different ways of wording things. Since he has difficulty understanding i feel this causes major issues in his head. Hence the whole escalation of everything.

This is why i was worried i was going over the top as in his head he feels he is being punished from every angle. Only there is no excuse for the behaviour he is displaying, whether he understands the reasons behind other peoples decisions or not - he can identify when someone is doing wrong, so he must know his behaviour is wrong.

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Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 14:54:08

He use to. He would argue that i had confiscated his internet when he hadnt even done anything in school. It took weeks for him to understand that the internet being taken was not due to his behaviour in school as they were dealing with that, but my consequence was due to him being excluded.

I do still have issues from time to time with him, but its definitely not as often or as bad as the school. It has been before the school started getting the brunt of it all

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Astro55 Mon 01-May-17 14:55:27

How did he get on in junior school?

What did they do/manage?

Oblomov17 Mon 01-May-17 14:58:10

Every sympathy. Ds1 is not dissimilar. Not always, but quite a bit. My ds is Not in as much trouble as yours but does get endless detentions and is now 'on report'. Again.
He takes zero responsibility and insists that teachers are wrong/this is So unfair.

I have no recommendations I'm afraid. Because I find it all draining. But you have my every sympathy.

Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 14:59:39

He was absolutely fine in junior school. Again though, that was more so one to one. The teacher got to know him and vice versa where as they dont really get that connection as good in comp with switching classes every hour.

We had one incident just before leaving which we put down to the change that was coming.

It seems he struggles with change.

He is now in a supportive area in school so is not swapping classes. As much as he is not working as much as he should be, he is attending school daily. Which he wasnt doing when in normal lessons.
He feels this is a punishment though. He cant see that the school are trying to support him

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Astro55 Mon 01-May-17 15:06:35

There must've be something he craves at school

Such as being in a sports team - trips etc

All can be used as leverage

Have you explained to him that he needs to take a deep breath and stop talking -

1nsanityscatching Mon 01-May-17 15:15:58

Have you had him assessed for ASD? The transition from Primary to Secondary is a prime time for an undiagnosed ASD to becaome apparent and problematic.
Struggling with change and not grasping escalating situations with teachers and seemingly blatant disrespect and not linking actions to consequences could all be pointing to ASD.

Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 15:18:34

They tried integrating him back into classes as he said thats what he wanted. He would gain extra classes depending on his behaviour. It was explained it is down to him just how far he gets.
His first lesson (30 minutes) - he decided to mess around, give something to his mate. Deny he had anything and then refused to hand it over.
He gave the school no choice but to place him back where he was the following day. They also added a punishment into a "unit" kind of isolation. He refused point blank to do it so he was excluded.

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Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 15:22:24

I have told them i really believe there is an underlying issue such as autism or sensory processing disorder.
It took a while but they all finally agree.

It just looks like a child who is spoiled and wants everything their own way. When really, he is more than willing to accept consequences etc if he understands. Like he expects to lose the wifi if he is excluded from school now. Getting him to understand is hard though. Especially in a mainstream school with several teachers dealing with things. Its impossible to expect them to be able to manage it to be honest

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wowbutter Mon 01-May-17 15:24:24

You are absolutely within your rights to do those things.
As well as punishment, an you schedule some one to one time with him to do some emotional work?

Not being able to face consequences, seeing it's everyone else's fault, and being aggressive like this isn't usual in this age. If you go into Pinterest, you can find teenage workbooks for self esteem, anger, attitude. Sit and do some activities with him, try and tease out why he feels this way.

Look up dialectical behaviour therapy.

Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 15:32:53

I will look up DBT. Thank you. I have done some CBT work books with him and he was able to give the correct answers to show an understanding of behaviour and how it can and does affect others etc.
Just when he is in the grips of his thoughts, he can no longer see clearly. If that makes sense.

He refuses to do any anger or feelings work with the school so i do it with him instead, the best i can anyway.

He feels like hes being wronged in some way. Even though he can see why things have been put in place when it is broken down to him. He will then just latch on to something to shift the blame.from him again.
He claims he doesnt know why he does this, and i believe him.
This is where cahms need to step up

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Nipplesunited Mon 01-May-17 15:40:23

oblomov17 sorry i missed your comment. I hope you are getting help and support from the school, too. I know all too well just how draining it can be. I would be lost without the support

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