How to handle this -- 14yo and independence

[NinahH]

Ds has changed friendship groups and although he seems much happier than he did I don't know a lot about the new group. Tonight he wanted to meet up with them and hang round after school, not sure what they are up to but not liking the look of it I told him to get bus home. Just come in to a note pick me up at the park at 9? Not sure how to handle this - he hasn't tended to socialise a lot out of school and I want him to be happy but on the other hand it's not clear what they are up to and I am a bit worried. Would you give him the benefit of the doubt ? I could go into school to collect if necessary, really not sure what to do for the best.

[ImADadButThatsOKIsntIt]

You have 2 separate issues, the note and the independence. I'd be cross about the note and the assumption, but you've got to let him go at sometime. What independence did you have at 14? How would you feel if you finally managed to get a new bunch of mates and your mum came to school to collect you? Yes it could end in tears, but it probably won't. Text him and tell him you'll collect at 8, so your showing privately who's in control, bollock him when you get home but don't show him up in front of his new friends unless you are concerned there is a serious safeguarding issue.

[NinahH]

Thanks a lot! Yes I think you are right. I have to trust him. The note pissed me off but I can see why he's felt he had to do it that way. I had a horrible time as a teen so I can't really assess what is normal. His phone is out of action so I can't even text him. I'll trust he's been sensible (he's had his moments). Appreciate the outside perspective.

[NuffSaidSam]

Agree it's two separate issues.

1. He's got a bloody cheek with the note! He shouldn't just completely disregard what you've said like that.
   

1. The independence. I think you're being far too restrictive to not let him go to the park after school with his friends. I would want him home earlier than 9pm though....5+ hours hanging round the park is too long, unless they're doing sport/something specific. I would encourage him to do something specific with his friends (cinema/bowling/football etc.) so that he can socialise, but not get into the trouble that inevitably arises when a load of teenagers hang round in a child's playground for hours on end.

[NinahH]

He came back because he didn't want to worry me. I have no issue with him going to the park after school for a bit with friends - what I have issues with is a bunch of them mooching round aimlessly drinking smoking and getting into trouble and given that there are nearly 6 hours to fill I would imagine that potential for that is quite high. Also have not met any of these new friends but he seems to have got close to them during detentions. DS, as i say, has had his moments! So all good and we will have a chat and lay down some ground rules for seeing friends sensibly to do positive stuff, maybe take them out so I can see for myself.

[NinahH]

He plays football regularly and used to be friends with most of the team but like I say recently has changed friendships and I am a little bit concerned. I don't think I am being over protective.

[Garlicansapphire]

I wouldnt have a problem with my DS 14 wanted to go off and do unspecified stuff with his mates after school or at the weekend. I trust him. So long as he texts he when he's on his way home. But I'd normally expect him home by 6.30pm and to be fair he's never really wanted to be out that late unless he was round someones house or at a party. Maybe as it gets warmer.... But he'd miss his playstation after a point!!

[NinahH]

Absolutely - til around 6.30 sounds fine to me, too, but this was never the plan. Because of where we live I'd need me to collect. I've said I'm happy to do that - it's the hanging around for hours that would worry me. I don't entirely trust him although he is beginning to behave a lot more sensibly than he has done in the past.