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13 year old DS bunking off

(15 Posts)
Alditha Sun 23-Apr-17 22:31:25

My DS2 age 13, had bunked off 8 times I have recently found out. He says he hates school and is refusing to go when they start back tomorrow. He is becoming really difficult to manage now. He takes what doesn't belong to him, is rude to both me and his dad and doesn't care about anything. He receives stuff, money for the cinema, new trainers etc etc and just seems to have no capacity to behave in a reasonable way. He gets something nice and just ruins it with crappy behaviour. I am at my wits end and really Don't know what to do. I feel anxious thinking about it and his dad and I have to go to work and trust him to be where he is supposed to be. He is really going off he rails. He has lied and lied and lied. I have a knife missing from the drawer.
I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense but I just feel so devastated.

AntigoneJones Sun 23-Apr-17 22:33:24

You need to find out where the knife is. It is a really serious thing if he is carrying it when he is out.
So do you have to leave for work before he goes to school?

LornaD40 Sun 23-Apr-17 22:34:28

Have you spoken to school? What have they said?

LornaD40 Sun 23-Apr-17 22:35:27

Ditto the knife - he'll likely be permanently excluded from school if he takes it in. I'd have that conversation tonight.

AntigoneJones Sun 23-Apr-17 22:41:51

Yes sorry to go on, but the knife business is urgent.

Alditha Sun 23-Apr-17 22:45:25

He tells me it's not him but the way he has been behaving I really think it is him. He has said he has been with some other boys over the woods building a camp, with a camp fire and they have been chopping wood and stuff but I'm going to search his bag for school and then his room when/ if I can get him there. I don't think he would take it to school and has either lost it or broken it but I will check for sure.
My main worry is how awful he is every day. Today has been a bad day even though we went out for a family day. We are having to deal with his behaviour every day and I'm most worried about him going to school. We will make an appointment to see someone at school but getting out of the door in the morning is my main worry because he is as big as I am now.
We've tried being kind and understanding and then firm etc and it just has no impact at all. He seems to hate us.
I just don't know how to get him to do what he needs to do and then he could have his freedom to do what he wants.

duchess22 Sun 23-Apr-17 23:42:17

hi op, this may not be the thing you want to hear necessarily but I was an AWFUL teenager from the ages of 13-16, I put my mum through hell and I regret it every day now!

there was nothing she could do to stop me but she was always there for me and always upheld that there would be consequences to behaviour which in the long term I think helped at least she was consistent but loving during my chaotic period.

I am now a mum myself and calmed down massively and now a fairly very responsible adult wink

all I can say is it will pass, just keep trying to support him, it could be mental health related? he probably won't want to talk to you but at least he will know that he could, that's the most important thing!

good luck with it, you may need lots of this winegin to help you through!! grin

Alditha Mon 24-Apr-17 06:33:49

Thank you Duchess22 I think you are right but living it is a daily stress. I can let everything else go even though he is rude, lies, and deliberately breaks things etc, except the bunking off school. I work shifts and DH is out very early. I want to trust him but I can't.
I will try to work with him this morning to get him to school.

Desperateforsleepzzzz Mon 24-Apr-17 07:36:49

Good luck OP , what's he like at school is his behaviour difficult there and does he do well academically?

Footle Mon 24-Apr-17 08:05:46

The knife is the priority. If you can't find it, you must let school know about it. The police will be involved before long.
I can't tell you how to get him to school. My experience of all that was long ago ( no weapons involved ) and it was awful. He's turned out all right though. Better than all right.

Crumbs1 Mon 24-Apr-17 08:12:57

The knife is a priority.
Then he needs taking into school each day (frogmarching, if necessary) and handing over to a teacher - school should support this. It also protects you from prosecution for non attendance.
Cut out the money, the new trainers, the treats until he behaves but remember to catch him being good. Make him earn stuff. Thirteen year olds don't need money.
Take his phone away and only allow an earned hours use after homework is done.
Can you structure his life with out of school activities to avoid schoolboy gang led antisocial behaviour?
Sometimes draconian is best. Teenagers definitely need to know the rules and have them enforced effectively by loving parents.

Alditha Mon 24-Apr-17 08:50:45

At school he is doing well with just some silliness at times which is what he has always been like. This morning he won't go. I've phoned everyone and removed the Xbox phones and other stuff from his room. He is half dressed but refuses blaming school as boring and all the teachers for being harsh on him. He's been in tears and very melodramatic I think because thinks if he's upset I'll let him off. I'm so angry and desperately upset by this.
I can't lay a hand on him even though I just want to explode. I have to talk to him again about the knife but it's not in his school bag for sure. He's not being bullied and if anything he can be pretty unpleasant and cruel the way he speaks to people.
He is obsessed with the army and war etc. He goes to cadets and sometimes airsoft. He watches a lot of YouTube but mostly silly stuff, comedy etc.
I feel like it's my fault for letting him have this stuff. Even my mum thinks we should not have let him have this stuff and now tells me this morning she has been worried about his obsession with war, army etc.
I don't know how to 'nip it in the bud' easier said than done.

Footle Mon 24-Apr-17 10:19:46

Is there an army cadets group he can join? The sooner the better - he can hardly refuse if he's obsessed with the fantasy of it. The reality could make a massive difference to his mind set.

Alditha Mon 24-Apr-17 22:24:47

He didn't go to school today but we did have a long talk before I went to work and my Mum who he is close to came up to spend the day with him. I'm seeing school tomorrow. He really feels unhappy, more to do with not feeling ready to grow up and feeling a bit adrift. Anyway I think we understand each other better and have decided on a plan to sort ourselves out at home.
I don't think I was prepared for how much help my teen needs and didn't see this coming. It will be work in progress and thank you for responding because I felt so helpless last night.

Footle Tue 25-Apr-17 07:10:48

Alditha, well done.

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