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Eldest DS has a girlfriend. Help! Not done this bit before as a parent.

(35 Posts)
Phaslosttheplot Sat 15-Apr-17 23:14:33

My 16yr DS told me this week he has a girlfriend. His first that I know about anyway. They have been friends for a while but now I guess things have moved on. I am really unsettled with it though and a bit freaked that he is moving into the adult world and adult consequences too. Advise please! Should I just keep my nose out (I feel I should)? If your kids have been there before, would you say there are any do's or dont's?

ImperialBlether Sat 15-Apr-17 23:18:01

Never say a word against her! A lot of teenage boys are very, very romantic with their girlfriends - that was a surprise to me!

You or his dad need to have "the talk" to protect both of them, but make no assumptions about anything that's happened so far.

Pestilentialone Sat 15-Apr-17 23:24:38

Buy a massive box of condoms and have "the talk". This will probably embarrass him.
Invite her round to the house. This should not embarrass him.
We found most BFs or GFs fitted in comfortably, the ones who were just awkward seemed to drift away after a couple of weeks.

Phaslosttheplot Sat 15-Apr-17 23:34:06

Thankfully my DH did the talk yesterday (mind you I did do the talk re horrors of porn at 12)! My son would die of embarrassment if I presented him with a huge box condoms though. Does it really move that fast?? Ok, I'm a naive middle aged women...

ImperialBlether Sat 15-Apr-17 23:39:36

What I did was this. I worked in a college, so said, "One of the nurses who was in to talk to students left behind this (massive) box of condoms. I know you're not up to anything but if any of your friends want them, pass them around, will you?"

He laughed, took the box and they never left his room.

Is there anything similar you could do?

Teenageromance Sun 16-Apr-17 08:51:00

No it doesn't necessarily move that fast - I'm with Imperial on this one and teenage boys being quite romantic. But still good to have the talk and open that area of communication.

GiddyGiddyGoat Sun 16-Apr-17 08:57:56

Buy a massive box, take off the outer wrapping and leave them in bathroom cabinet or similar and tell him they are there if he needs them - replenish if / when required without comment... (2x teen dss here).

JustSpeakSense Sun 16-Apr-17 09:16:54

Yes I agree, have the talk, buy a giant box of condoms, replenish without comment.

Encourage them both to spend time with you occasionally, it's the polite thing to do.

Let him know you are there if he needs advice on anything or a woman's perspective (he won't of course grin)

Vodkamartine Sun 16-Apr-17 09:19:59

I always found having them invited round for dinner nice my mum got to interigate them at the table and my room never looked so clean when I try to impress them

Phaslosttheplot Sun 16-Apr-17 09:23:24

Imperial and Teenageromance I think my son is superisingly (he was never very expressive) going to be quite taken by her. Think I will need to be careful re what I say about them. Will have to have a think re condoms though. Naively didn't even cross my mind.

Phaslosttheplot Sun 16-Apr-17 09:31:52

Could invite her for dinner. Hadn't thought of that. I'm guessing He would probably say no for now. Has always been quite a private person and wouldn't want to give me the chance to pry/ get to l know her.

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Apr-17 11:34:40

I think dinner is too formal. Just be nice to her whenever you see her and don't use all your interrogation techniques!

Temporaryanonymity Sun 16-Apr-17 11:39:24

Definitely do the big supply of condoms. I once knew a woman with five teenage sons and that was the parenting advice she passed to me as a new mum of a boy.

She had a big bowl in their bathroom with condoms. I plan to do this.

As someone who always got on well with the parents of boyfriends, just keep it informal. Dinner sounds excruitating for a first meeting.

GetAHaircutCarl Sun 16-Apr-17 15:12:42

My best piece of advice so far would be not to do much as my DC seem to have a new squeeze every two minutes grin.

TreeTop7 Sun 16-Apr-17 15:33:21

Keep it friendly and informal, I agree. Don't invite her for dinner until she's a bit more established with DS and more comfortable with you. Casual and "no big deal" works best I reckon. He will clam up if he feels interrogated, teens can be quite touchy even when you've done nothing wrong.

NeedABumChange Sun 16-Apr-17 15:35:49

Condoms yes if you don't want to be a DGM yet.

I wouldn't be surprised if they'd already shagged, lots of teens hook up lots before becoming official!

HardcoreLadyType Sun 16-Apr-17 15:53:57

Just invite her along when you're doing things. If she's at yours, ask her if she'd like to stay for dinner. Give her lifts, if you can. Just treat her like one of his male friends, really.

SoloDance Sun 16-Apr-17 16:03:33

I second the advice to just treat her like one of his friends. Do not make it into a bit deal.

lizzyj4 Sun 16-Apr-17 16:03:39

Listen when he wants to talk. Be as supportive as possible. Do not in any way judge (or even seem to judge) any GF. Ever.

Wait until DS invites GF for dinner when/if he feels ready.

The idea of a 'condom talk' (or even worse buying condoms, really confused ) for a 16 year old is pretty silly, unless he is quite a naive, unworldly teenager, and many 16 yo would find it kind of insulting, so don't do that. They should already have all the information they need well before now (I have 4 sons, 3 of whom are adults well into their 20s, no GC yet). However, if GF is under 16, you do need to talk about that.

Decide now what your position on overnights at your home is going to be - it's fine, shared room; it's fine but GF must sleep in spare bedroom; it will be fine when they're older but not now; or never, ever - then stick to it religiously for all DCs.

Phaslosttheplot Sun 16-Apr-17 18:38:33

Brilliant. Thanks, so helpful. Great idea re
lifts etc. Hard to get right I think, but will make a valiant effort! Raising kids has so many hurdles! DD is 12, so that will be interesting.

BackforGood Sun 16-Apr-17 18:51:46

The idea of a 'condom talk' (or even worse buying condoms, really confused ) for a 16 year old is pretty silly, unless he is quite a naive, unworldly teenager, and many 16 yo would find it kind of insulting, so don't do that. They should already have all the information they need well before now (I have 4 sons, 3 of whom are adults well into their 20s, no GC yet). However, if GF is under 16, you do need to talk about that

I agree with this (I have 20, 18, and 15 yr olds).
It is a myth that everybody starts having sex the minute they start going out with someone. Some might, but many don't. I wouldn't push that myth and make expectations even harder for him.
I also agree about not inviting them for dinner, but let him know she's very welcome and just meet her casually when she calls round, or you drop them off somewhere, rather than making it any more formal - just as you would with any friends.

Phaslosttheplot Sun 16-Apr-17 19:28:20

So true. Not all boys are straight into sex from the start. Although will be an issue sooner or later. Many other important issues that as mum of a son feel I have a duty to teach him such as treating her with respect, no means no, what you see on the television is not reality etc etc.

Wolfiefan Sun 16-Apr-17 19:33:44

Dinner is very formal. It's also very awkward for teens to be forced to sit and make eye contact in this situation with adults they don't know. BBQ (if the sun ever shines!) or movie night is a better idea.
It's not "the" talk you need to have. It's not one big lecture. It's an ongoing conversation. Tackling issues when they arise. (In the news for eg. Not once they are already an issue!) From consent to sexting and STD. It shouldn't be taboo to talk about sex and relationships. Always be willing to listen.

Rudymentary Sun 16-Apr-17 19:39:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfiefan Sun 16-Apr-17 19:41:15

If you do the big box of condoms remember to point out the expiration date!! grin

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