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Friend of teen on bail for rape, how to react as a survivor.

(22 Posts)
EyesOfYuna Fri 07-Apr-17 23:34:59

Right, long and short of it.... dd 14 has been difficult recently. Smoking, being difficult at school, lost her virginity recently (with a lad I'm trying desperately to like) and I'm trying so hard to be understanding (she is very much like me at that age). Tonight she comes home announcing "I met "richard"(friend of bf) today, he's lovely, 14, coming to my school in Sept.....
.and on bail for the last month for rape".
I was stranger raped 10 years ago, it affected me hugely, kept it very much away from dd, she was 4 and even with ss involvement was unaware until recently, but I felt the need to tell her last year as she was being reckless.
How do I deal with this?
My automatic response was to say stay away, don't see him/be around him. My closest friends, believe it or not say "its probably just a slaggy girl trying her luck" but having experienced that attitude I'm struggling to decide what is the right path to follow.
I know it's innocent until proven otherwise but I know only too well that the right outcome is not guaranteed so......do I stop her seeing him (she'll prob lie anyway) or act normal so at least I know whats going on?
It's so difficult to be unbiased!

SheSaidNoFuckThat Fri 07-Apr-17 23:56:31

It's difficult without knowing the circumstances relating to the charges. Do we assume guilty till proven innocent with rape cases? Do we give benefit of the doubt? It's not always clear cut.

I think a frank discussion and making DD aware of the situation to the best of your knowledge is the right thing to do. But you have to do what you're comfortable with, I would just hate for this lad to be ostracised without the facts.

I do have experience similar to this, not me - so obviously can't go into any details.

EyesOfYuna Sat 08-Apr-17 00:10:04

I absolutely do not want to ostracise this boy, but I do want to keep my daughter safe. I understand that it may be unproven and unwarranted but nevertheless I want to protect my dd. Having been through the system I know, right or wrong, it can go either way. So, I think, what I'm asking is what would be the sensible thing (without my past clouding my judgement) to do, knowing that my dd is already rebelling against me.

SheSaidNoFuckThat Sat 08-Apr-17 00:13:14

I thought no if you put down a ban she will fight you on it. Could you maybe compromise and make sure she's not alone with him?

I don't want to sound dismissive of the charges, they are serious, but when there are no facts to base judgement on we can't be the jury.

SheSaidNoFuckThat Sat 08-Apr-17 00:14:16

Sorry wine fingers! Should have said "I think that if you put a blanket ban......"

EyesOfYuna Sat 08-Apr-17 00:23:17

Thats my issue, if I say stay away, she will probably defy me anyway. I don't trust her boyfriend, thats a whole other thread. Just how do I convey my fears without it being either ott or judgemental? Am I being judgemental or keeping my girl safe??

SheSaidNoFuckThat Sat 08-Apr-17 00:32:30

No you're not being judgemental - you're being a good Mum, it's our jobs to protect them whether they like it or not!

With no facts for the case you have to assume middle ground, using caution without assuming blame. It's really difficult isn't it. I have DSs so will never be where you are now.

isupposeitsverynice Sat 08-Apr-17 00:34:41

"Trying her luck" - gives me the fucking rage that, what exactly is it people thinking making a report about rape bestows upon you that is so marvellous that women fall over themselves to falsely accuse every bloke they make eye contact with... grrr

Anyway. 14 and charged with rape, bloody hell. If your daughter isn't listening much anyway im not sure what you can do tbh. Could you make an off hand comment next time he comes up in conversation, something like "cor I wouldn't like to be around him without bf there just in case!". Or is that really terrible and she'll see straight through it? Even so it might plant a seed of caution. I wonder if the nspcc could offer advice, they do have advice about sexual abuse stuff for kids I think? This must be scary for you. I hope she calms down soon. I was an awful teen too but in secret. Not sure that's much better! Best of luck

SheSaidNoFuckThat Sat 08-Apr-17 00:37:17

Isuppose nothing like innocent until proven guilty hey?

EyesOfYuna Sat 08-Apr-17 00:45:31

It gave me the rage too, perhaps because I dealt with too many people with that frame of mind so the ones closest should've known better. Anyway, I do not want to judge this kid, just want to ensure my girl doesn't make the same mistakes or end up with the same regrets. Its just hard to see the wood through the trees sometimes.

isupposeitsverynice Sat 08-Apr-17 01:31:16

Yeah in all honesty I would have to give anyone who'd been accused of rape a swerve, it's simply beyond me to deal with that in my personal circumstances. Luckily I'm not the law and exert no power so it's unlikely to impact anyone too negatively!

You don't come across as sitting in judgement and I think most people would be concerned in your shoes! I know I would be starting to get extreme in my thinking if my wayward dd came home saying her new pal was on bail for rape... Do you have a basement you could lock dd in until she comes of age? wink if only we could stop them making mistakes! That'd make it all a bit easier wouldn't it. Could you get counselling for her, give her a safe space to work it out for herself? Sorry, you might be going down this route already and I don't mean to pry, but if not it might be worth looking into, if you think she'd be amenable to it. And for you too if you can, because this all sounds very tough on you flowers

Garlicansapphire Sat 08-Apr-17 02:47:17

Whatever the rights and wrongs and whether he's found guilty I think it would be hard, honestly, for many parents to welcome this news. But I guess your DD needs to be aware and discuss consent and safety in whatever circumstances she finds herself in not just worry about her being with someone who is likely to be under heavy scrutiny.

Tough one though - is go for a gentle broader discussion rather than going in too strong and pushing her into more risky behaviour to rebel against you.

Kleinzeit Sat 08-Apr-17 10:06:24

It isn't really possible to put a blanket ban on seeing him - how would you enforce it? She could walk out and there would be nothing you could do.

Instead talk to her about safety. She has shared this with you so she knows it's an issue. That's good. Ask her about the circumstances - what does she know or what she has been told, was it a girlfriend, something that happened at a party, a group of boys outside? Remind her that people can seem nice but might not be so nice when you are alone with them, or that people can do really stupid / cruel things when they are drunk or get in a group. And people can sometimes get confused about sex - he might not have meant any harm but maybe he didn't listen when she said no because a lot of people think that's just what girls are supposed to say and they don't really mean it. Whatever you think you can get across without putting her back up. Don't exactly tell her to stay away, more get her to think about ways to protect herself.

My closest friends, believe it or not say "its probably just a slaggy girl trying her luck"

What a nasty thing to say about anyone but especially about a 14 year old.

RyanStartedTheFire Sat 08-Apr-17 11:03:37

I think I'm rape cases, especially those that have got to the point of charging a young boy - there is no smoke without fire. I'll probably get flamed for that, but I think even being in the position where a rape accusation could be made/taken to the police would make him someone I don't want my children hanging out with.

RegentsParkWolf Sat 08-Apr-17 11:16:04

Could you tell her exactly what you've told us? That you don't really know how you feel, you're worried but want to be fair? Maybe it's not for you to give your permission or ban her from seeing him (which is unlikely to work either way), maybe it's more about getting her to think through what's really a complex issue.

Bananamanfan Sat 08-Apr-17 11:31:54

I get that the new friend is a worry, but more generally; does your dd know that she cannot i get consent to sex? Does she understand "the age of consent" as a concept?
I doubt very much that any 14 year old girl enjoys & wants sex; she probably wants the status & approval. How old is her BF?
I was sexually abused from age 12 (by my teacher's older son) i asked my friend to tell her (the teacher) & she replied that "you can't stop young people having sex"-I think this attitude still exists in schools/healthcare settings. You have a duty to do everything you can to safeguard dd from sexual abuse.
That isn't any help to you, op & i have no idea how you can go about it, other than talking to dd, her boyfriend, insisting on open doors when they are in your house. If she is on the pill do not trust that she is taking it.

Bananamanfan Sat 08-Apr-17 11:35:30

Sorry for typos

differentnameforthis Sat 08-Apr-17 11:39:51

He is 14, how old is the girl accusing him? Or could it be that 2 14yr olds had "consensual" sex without realising that it could be seen as rape due to age?

ApplePaltrow21 Sat 08-Apr-17 11:44:51

He is the least of your problems. Your 14 year old is having sex and smoking? Why not try parenting? This is completely crazy. Also, get rid of your "friends" because they condone rape.

You know what, have you considered moving? Because every single influence here seems to be bad.

SheSaidNoFuckThat Sat 08-Apr-17 13:08:45

Apple that's uncalled for!

EyesOfYuna Sat 08-Apr-17 13:14:06

Thank you everyone, I have spoken to her this morning and explained my worries to her, we had quite a in depth conversation about this and the other issues and agreed she will not be around him alone and is unsure herself that she even wants to be around him at all having thought things through herself.
ApplePaltrow21 Yes my DD is smoking but not with my blessing, I cannot watch her 24hrs a day unless I keep her out of school and I said she lost her virginity NOT that she's having sex! I think the fact she came to me to say she had slept with bf and didnt like it so wanted advice on explaining to him she didnt want to continue shows I'm doing a pretty good job of parenting. Thanks.

Beebeeeight Sun 09-Apr-17 17:51:02

If nothing else you should dump your friends!

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