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Please hold my hand and some advice

(72 Posts)
givemestrengthandgin Fri 07-Apr-17 19:31:00

I am a very proud mum to 2 amazingly strong and independent DD's dd1 is 13 and dd2 is 12.
Dd1 is sensitive, sensible and strong or so I thought she has sleepovers at her bf's and vice versa, her bf mum is not chatty but seemed ok, last night dd1 slept there ( arranged by the girls) this morning she came home with a love bite? I questioned this and it turned out 2 boys from their year had slept over as well. I was fumming and took her phone and grounded her for lying to me, she knew the boys would be there.
I have checked her phone and found that there was fondling of my daughters breasts and touching ( all from one boy on my daughter) wtf do I do I thought she was smart, I thought she was in a safe place at a friend's I feel sick and want to rip this women's head off not literally dh is devastated we knew this was coming but not for a few years, what do I do ? I'm so gutted.

ihatethecold Fri 07-Apr-17 19:36:35

I have a dd the same age.
I would speak to the other parent to find out how this situation came about.
I would also have a chat with my dd about what happened. I wouldn't be mad with her though.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 07-Apr-17 19:36:38

Have you been round and torn strips of the other dm??! Omg I would have!! Your dd has been assaulted in her care!!!

givemestrengthandgin Fri 07-Apr-17 19:40:08

I haven't been round as I don't trust myself yet, also dh is worried if we do we will blow things up for dd and he is terrified of her telling everyone we live in a small village.
I am disappointed in my dd1 and have talked with her about what has happened I'm not really mad with her and I have told her but I am raging about what has happened!

Astro55 Fri 07-Apr-17 19:42:27

I'd be talking to the mum as well! Why wouldn't you?

Funnyfarmer Fri 07-Apr-17 19:46:12

took her phone and grounded her for lying to me, she knew the boys would be there.
I have checked her phone and found that there was fondling of my daughters breasts
Did the boy film this? If so I would 2st check if there are any other copies and who the boys are and check there phones. I would check all phones of anyone who was present!
But definitely speak to the other girls mother and the parents of the boys.
My dd is 16 and I still always phone her df's dps if she is staying out to check, 1 she is staying there 2 who eles is there and 3 who will be supervising. If the boys have recordings of her breasts on there phones or she was filmed without her knowledge it's a matter for the police

Funnyfarmer Fri 07-Apr-17 19:47:02

*1st check

Funnyfarmer Fri 07-Apr-17 19:50:41

Your not mad with her? She has child pornography on her phone! Wether she is the child in the Video or not. It's still child pornography and is illegal.

Astro55 Fri 07-Apr-17 19:50:42

Look in 'recently deleted' folders and sent items -

Has DD spoken to her friend? Look on instagram chat Facebook messenger and oovoo - and what's app

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 07-Apr-17 19:54:54

Can you be sure she stopped at touching?

givemestrengthandgin Fri 07-Apr-17 19:58:17

Woah ! Ok to start with I came on for help, secondly their is no porn on her phone there are messages between her and this boy about what happened last night ! No pictures and I have checked all her phone but the messages are now gone as he unfriended her on snapchat ?? I have no clue on that but no pictures and dd says no video or pictures taken last night, I feel sick now thanks. I have asked the other mum to meet as she's not in or answering her phone.
I literally hate this

givemestrengthandgin Fri 07-Apr-17 19:59:35

Wish. Sorry yes definitely stopped at touching from his messages and her story she wouldn't touch him so he stropped off to the other sofa confused

Out2pasture Fri 07-Apr-17 20:01:38

13 and you previously condoned "sleep overs" at a bf's house.
I'd be nipping that in the bud till 16-17....
Safe sex, immature brain development lectures on repeat

Mylittlestsunshine Fri 07-Apr-17 20:02:34

BF in this case I'm taking to mean best friend not boy friend

givemestrengthandgin Fri 07-Apr-17 20:05:23

Yes bf is best friend ! Fgs she's 13 please I feel I have failed her right now I'm absolutely in bits, the boy isn't someone I've ever heard of before

Coldhandscoldheart Fri 07-Apr-17 20:05:43

out I think bf in this case is best friend (female) not boyfriend.
I think she deserves some credit for saying no and sticking with it after he stropped off. Not sure how you'd express that though.

BurningGubbins Fri 07-Apr-17 20:08:14

How does your daughter feel about it?

I know it's not ok, I just wonder how she sees what happened.
When I was her age I used to sleep over at a friend's house and boys from school would camp in the garden. The Mum would go out for a bit in the evening and we'd play spin the bottle or whatever. My parents would never have allowed it (and didn't know), but to me it didn't feel out of control. I would hate to think my kids would hide this sort of thing from me now though.

givemestrengthandgin Fri 07-Apr-17 20:12:30

She feels really crap right now, she's smart enough to have realised that she's messed up her so called bf apparently was egging this boy on but decided she wasn't interested in the other boy that way !
Conveniently angry my dd has been dismissive of boyfriends prior to this

Funnyfarmer Fri 07-Apr-17 20:14:07

I do apologise. By your op it did sound like you had seen a boy fondling her. I didn't mean to come across harsh but I'm sure you don't need me to tell you how serious that kind of thing is. Do you know who the boys are? Is one a boyfriend?
Do you plan to speak to there parents?

Funnyfarmer Fri 07-Apr-17 20:15:27

May seem like a silly question but have you had "the talk"

givemestrengthandgin Fri 07-Apr-17 20:21:42

We have had 'the talk ' as I wanted my DD's to be aware of their right to their own bodies and saying no from a young age, how fucking well that worked.
Sorry I haven't talked to his parents as I don't know who they are, I don't know him and that's probably safest right now as she is cuddled up to dh who looks like a angry bear.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Fri 07-Apr-17 20:22:42

Omg! I have a dd the same age and I would be LIVID! I also believe my dd to be sensible and not interested in boys (dd2 is 11 and I wouldn't trust her an inch!) When she stays at a friend's house I expect the friends mum to be responsible. Like you, I hate confrontation and I don't police my dd or get involved with any of her little fall outs or dramas, but in this instance I'd have to talk to the other mum. And dd would not be going there again.

BurningGubbins Fri 07-Apr-17 20:23:44

Poor thing. I totally agree that you need to know who is there when she's having a sleepover, and I'd say she needs to know her boundaries and what she happy to do, and how to stop situations she's not comfortable with. She's going to experiment, she should be in control of it though.

givemestrengthandgin Fri 07-Apr-17 20:24:33

I just don't know what to do, thegirls mum must know as she is texting dd "why is your mum texting mine to meet ?" With lots of angry emoticons !
I feel like my world has been tilted she isn't ready for this

lljkk Fri 07-Apr-17 20:25:27

Is it serious? I remember loads of girls going way further when I was 13 (1980).

If it were my DD today, I would talk to her about how these things should be special & when you're mature, not furtive gropes in the dark, from lads you may not like so much next week.

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