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16 Year old refusing to come home - WWYD?

(104 Posts)
OnceYouAreReal Thu 06-Apr-17 17:53:37

DD has been at a friends for a week. She is refusing to come home.

Her reasons are vague. Basically she is saying she doesn't feel comfortable here and this house is her 'safe space' but she won't explain what she feel safe from.

I feel it's because she's been getting worse at lots of little things like being late and getting up in the morning, not doing her chores, being rude. All of these things were adding up so I made some changes to the house rules. She participated in the discussion but now doesn't want to follow them.

There are no rules at her friends house.

We've had to mediation meetings at school but each time she has refused to come home and said she wasn't ready to make her decision yet. She has been given the choice of coming home or going to a family members but she just wants to stay at her friends. I don't think they are keeping her safe at all.

The social worker has said to call the police if she refuses to come home. I feel like this will push her further away but at this point, I have no authority at all over her and if she continues to get her way then she will run next time she's grounded etc.

WWYD?

I'm so stuck here .

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 06-Apr-17 18:11:28

Do you have a partner at home that she doesn't feel safe around ? Is there a possibility that she may be being abused but can't find the words to say it other tgan she feels 'safe' now?

debbs77 Thu 06-Apr-17 18:14:32

I was about to say the same. The word 'safe' is your clue here x

OnceYouAreReal Thu 06-Apr-17 18:20:06

No. No partner here she wouldn't feel safe around. I have no idea why she has started using this term.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 06-Apr-17 18:21:48

Call the police. . She is playing you. Obviously rules at the friends house are negligible - she needs to be home.

OnceYouAreReal Thu 06-Apr-17 18:47:14

Thanks Wish

I'm worried they won't do much really and then I'll have that back up removed and she'll do what ever she wants.

Such a mess.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Apr-17 18:50:18

What are the adults at this friend's house saying ?

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 06-Apr-17 19:14:20

Does that mean there is a partner there though?

You say "no partner here that she wouldn't feel safe round." So no partner or a partner who should be ok?

LivingForHim Thu 06-Apr-17 19:19:58

My DD did the same at that age. Please call the police.

NeonGod73 Thu 06-Apr-17 19:29:27

Is it a male or a female friend's house she is staying at? They might have a sexual relationship and they aren't bothered there. Would that be a possibility?
Anyway, her friend's parents aren't going to put up with her forever unless she is useful in the household in some way. So I guess she has to do some housework there and behave herself.
There's no way I would keep an unrelated, useless teenager in my house. I don't think anyone would.

lljkk Thu 06-Apr-17 20:32:57

lol @ Neon. I hope OP comes back.

OnceYouAreReal Thu 06-Apr-17 21:41:33

Sorry. I had a bit of a drama to deal with.

To answer some questions:

There is no partner.
The friend is female.
The friends parents love her and will always offer her a room.

Had a call from a&e. She took herself up there with a swollen knee. They called me because they needed to release her to a responsible adult. She kicked off when she saw me and walked out with an older friend who has a car. The friend wouldn't let her speak to me alone. She wouldn't wait for the doctor.

She hasn't gone back to the house she was at before and said I'll never find her now. So I have called the police and she has been reported as missing.

I guess now we just sit and wait.

lljkk Thu 06-Apr-17 21:56:21

sad. flowers

AprilSkies44 Thu 06-Apr-17 22:00:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AprilSkies44 Thu 06-Apr-17 22:02:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brighteyes27 Thu 06-Apr-17 22:04:13

Omg really sorry to hear this OP when you say safe I'm
was wondering if she has m/h issues and or why the social worker. Mine are 12 and 13 dreading anything like this but as they get older we are less and less important in their worlds. I hope they find her. Keep us all posted. 💐🍷

OnceYouAreReal Thu 06-Apr-17 22:08:53

Police won't help. They called and said nothing they can do.

She won't tell me where she is. Friends aren't replying.

Social workers aren't replying.

No one wants to know. Not until she's actually in trouble. Ironically because I'm 'parenting well' we aren't a priority.

Blossomdeary Thu 06-Apr-17 22:15:14

Speak to the friend's parents.

OnceYouAreReal Thu 06-Apr-17 22:26:50

I have spoken to them. I have begged them to back me up and say she can't stay.

She tells them she will go on the streets and they don't want that so they won't turn her away.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Apr-17 23:00:37

Op. There is something bad she wants to escape from. You need to find out what it is.

ImperialBlether Thu 06-Apr-17 23:04:06

Oh AF it doesn't mean that necessarily. It sounds like she enjoys having no rules, being treated like a guest and having loads of drama.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Apr-17 23:05:17

It is more extreme than than, IMO

AnyFucker Thu 06-Apr-17 23:05:32

*that

OnceYouAreReal Thu 06-Apr-17 23:07:34

Everyone has asked her over and over again.

The night before she ran we made snacks together and has a movie night snuggled on the couch.

She was grounded that week for a very valid reason. She wanted to go out, I wouldn't bend on the punishment so she left to stay with her friend and now her home isn't a safe space.

I really can't explain it beyond that. I've been trying to make her study for exams and have cut back on her time out with friends and she's just reacting to that.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Apr-17 23:10:08

If her alternative to coming back to home comforts is to sleep rough on the streets then there is something more wrong than curfews and studying

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