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DD sexually active - advice on what to do next

(32 Posts)
saltandvinegarcrisps1 Sat 01-Apr-17 15:42:59

Hi all. Just found out today that my DD (age 16 and 7 months) had sex for the first time last night with her boyfriend (he is 17 - 18 later this year). I have to admit I didn't react in the best way - I burst into tears when she told me!

She has been "speaking to" this lad for 2 months now and recently they have been spending more time together. He took her out for their first proper date last night (ie for dinner) and then she stayed over at his - he lives quite far away so his parents had said she could stay over. We had previously discussed sex but she had said she wasn't ready yet. I was taking the measured approach (or so I thought) which was that if she was going to do it, she would do it so there was no point in me not allowing her to stay over. Now I am wondering if I have made it too easy for her and I should not have allowed her to stay over. She didn't exactly volunteer the information but when I asked her how the evening had gone, she looked at me a bit funny and I just had a feeling - so I asked her if anything had happened and she told me they had DTD.

I can't believe or understand how badly I have taken it - I am really worried. Pregnancy, STIs, worries about him spreading it around their group. Worried he will now drop her. It's not like I haven't thought about this and I've talked to her about sex - along the lines of its not a bad thing with the right person, and its your body but don't feel pressurised and make sure you are safe etc- don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with etc.

Yet here I am in tears!! DH is at work so can't discuss with him. DD says she felt ready/in a good place, they used a condom, he's a lovely lad to her, he's already texted her to say can they go out to dinner again on Tuesday, he didn't pressure her etc.

Okay - so now getting to the point and looking for advice.

Do I now talk to her about her going on the pill? What have others done? I worry that if she does go on the pill it could encourage sex without a condom. But if she doesn't, the risk of pregnancy is higher.

She says she's not planning of having sex "every weekend" now that its happened, but all the same,, I would be naive to think it won't happen again. She was quite a late developer and only started her periods about 5 months ago and they are not regular. She's very scatty and I'm not sure she would remember to take the pill every day - so would the implant be better?

To those who have been through this - what did you do and what did you find most helped your DD?

I've calmed down a bit and apologised to her for the tears/freaking out - I really don't want to make this about me/my feelings or to make her feel she can't talk to me or I will be upset - she said "it's okay, I understand" and gave me a big hug which made me feel even more ridiculous.

I am fully aware she is 16 and an adult and I am honestly not a helicopter parent - that's why I am shocked at my reaction.

all advice welcome.

lonelysaddo Sat 01-Apr-17 16:01:09

You're far too over invested in her having sex. I'm mortified for her that you asked her then noticed a "funny look" then burst into tears hmm

My mum gave me contraception advice but made it out to be a general discussion rather than aiming it at my then boyfriend and I knew I could always go to her if I needed to talk. I'm not sure your daughter will feel she can do that now unfortunately

blondehair Sat 01-Apr-17 16:02:06

I remember my mum going crazy at me when she found out. I always felt like I couldn't talk to her as we've never been really close so it was difficult anyway. My auntie ended up saying about it all, which I think made it worse, but her reaction put me off being able to talk to her about any thing else.

I know it must be difficult but I think it would be best about talking to her about going on the pill. It would be a lot safer, incase they forgot other protection one night and she did end up pregnant.

I think she's just growing up now and it was going to happen sooner or later. As long as she's happy and doesn't feel pressured. Just talk to her and make sure she's safe. I'm sure neither of you really wanted the conversation, but just try to make her feel less awkward about talking about it xx

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:07:53

lonleysaddo - I am mortified too - and what you have said is what I am worried about.

blondehair - yes, the rational part of me knows its just her growing up. I am a terrible worrier by nature - but will need to not project that onto her.

Littledrummergirl Sat 01-Apr-17 16:08:30

Ds1 is 16 & Ds2 is 15. I have spoken to them about the importance of contraception since they were 13, they know where they can get it from for free and how. I have spoken to them about what could happen if they don't use contraception. Dd is 12 and I have spoken a little about contraception while she was learning about pubity. Assuming you have had some discussions with your Dd already I would remind her of her options for contraception and advise her to double up if possible; e.g. the pill/depo/implant with a condom.

Beyond that I would keep out. I have no desire to know about someone else's sex life. grin

BumbumMcTumtum Sat 01-Apr-17 16:11:11

I think the best thing you can do is support her from a distance.
Encourage safe practices and be open to her coming to talk to you about things.
I'll be honest, when I started having sex, my sister in law was a massive help. Just having the support, and if I thought I had a uti etc then it was nice to have a reassuring "sometimes it happens but make sure you get a check".

gamerchick Sat 01-Apr-17 16:11:54

Just ask her if she wants to go on some form of contraception. The implant does take a fair bit of the worry away for a mother I found personally. Then let it go.

It's neigh on impossible to stop them once they start and they're both old enough.

BumbumMcTumtum Sat 01-Apr-17 16:11:57

I would encourage the two tier approach to birth control - maybe the pill etc as well as condoms.

Fairylea Sat 01-Apr-17 16:12:27

Well she isn't quite an adult so while she is of the age of consent it is perfectly reasonable to want to make sure she is taking sensible precautions. I would apologise to her for bursting into tears (grin) and give her lots of leaflets about the pill etc and suggest she makes an appointment with the gp for advice. I'd also buy her a box of condoms, but that's just me.

Pestilentialone Sat 01-Apr-17 16:14:51

Yep, belt and braces on the contraception.

roarityroar Sat 01-Apr-17 16:17:09

FFS get a grip

FirstSeemItThenBeIt Sat 01-Apr-17 16:19:38

Of course she's going to do it again confused

You need to make sure she's sorted for contraception and then take a wee step back.

mayhew Sat 01-Apr-17 16:21:31

Relax. She's old enough to make this decision.
Calmly, when you are ready, enquire about contraception and safe sex. Which are not the same thing. For example she might be on the pill but use condoms too. My daughter did.
Encourage her to find a sexual health clinic and to attend.

myoriginal3 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:24:15

I'm amazed that she told you! I'd have died rather than tell my mother. Then again, I come from the deepest darkest region of Ireland from the deepest darkest age.

Fwiw - my mother would probably have hammered me to death if I'd told her.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:24:58

thanks for the helpful messages regarding contraception - I will speak to her about it again.

I know I have gone about this wrong and that I need to better support her - so yes roarity, I aim to get a grip about it.

fessmess Sat 01-Apr-17 16:25:36

My dd started DTD at 15, after "talking" to boys. They seem to think meet, shag and then part ways the norm. I was horrified when I found out, and told her I thought it was a terrible idea, sex is for stable relationships, don't be pressurised etc, etc. However, in the end I gave her condoms and waited for the inevitable emotional fall-out. It is really, really hard when teens start. I just cling on to the fact she talks to me about it, and at least she's now 16 and legal. I do think, even though it's the 21st century, that it's still more of a head-fuck when it's a daughter. Mums I know with sons are much more relaxed.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:29:38

Fessmess - yes to this - "talking to" appears now to be the norm but to be fair, its good that they do this as a way of getting to know each other.

Has anyone any experience of the depo - did their DDs take to it ok?

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:32:29

also - should I tell her dad?

IAmAPaleontologist Sat 01-Apr-17 16:37:55

Goodness don't tell her dad, you want to encourage her to feel she can talk to you not make her think you will tell her deepest secrets to her dad!

Apologise to her for your reaction, just tell her it took you by surprise that your girl had grown up. Tell her you are so pleased and proud of her for waiting until she felt comfortable to have sex with the right person. Tell her you are proud of her for being sensible and using contraception but have a frank chat about contraceptive failure and encourage a two tier approach.

IAmAPaleontologist Sat 01-Apr-17 16:39:12

Re depo, implant etc maybe try depo first to see how she gets on with hormonal contraceptives as implant is more fuss to remove but ultimately the implant is a pretty good one for teens who are happy to use hormones.

CookieDoughKid Sat 01-Apr-17 16:44:48

Wow - You need to majorly back-off. Otherwise you lose communication with your child and that would be worse. I think you need to do nothing and trust you have taught your daughter how to be sensible. Sleeping over where it is safe is the best thing. I used to have sex in the school backyard (yes it happened). Young people will find a way to have sex wherever if they wanted. So long as they use protection, and be with their partners for the right reasons - what's the problem here? Let her be an adult.

AnyFucker Sat 01-Apr-17 16:49:19

Step away from your dd's sex life after you make sure she is fully covered on the contraceptive/sti front

And why would you tell her dad ? confused

balence49 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:54:52

If my mum had done that at 16... not that I'd have been discussing it with her to start with. Then it certainly would have been the last time I did. She's 16 not 12! I know it's still young but she's by no means a baby and you do sound very over involved.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:55:53

knee jerk reaction was to tell her dad so that I would have someone to discuss it with - but on reflection, that's putting me first again so I wont.

I am aware that I am sounding (being?) over-invested hence looking for advice here. I will get contraception sorted next week then butt out.

thanks

PinkHeart59156816 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:59:05

Yes she will have sex again at some point, she's 16 and is growing up.

You have a chat about the pill and other contraception options and stress the importance of always condoms even if taking the pill or whatever due to needing protection from a sti then you step away

Tell her dad? Wtf? Why does he need to know she's of legal consent age so what is there to tell?

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