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16 year old boy brought up mainly by me now shunning me

(18 Posts)
Alicemtaylor2000 Sun 26-Mar-17 23:45:09

I have been a single mum since my son was one. His father has always been involved but his career came first and I stopped work and brought him up as a working mum supported by benefits. Now he is a teenager he has all but disowned me and living with his father and his new family where life is more comfortable and money not an issue. I have been guilty of drinking too much wine on an evening but never to anyone's detriment. I am so upset - access is all on his terms now and I don't know how to break this unhappy cycle

CauliflowerSqueeze Sun 26-Mar-17 23:48:59

You can't. Let him have his wings and he will come back to you. He knows in his heart who he is closer to, but boys at that age also want to have a relationship with their dads as a role model often. Unfortunately the more upset and desperate you get, the less "attractive" it becomes for him to spend time with you. I don't mean to sound harsh. Develop interests that don't involve him, try to be a little more cool and nonchalant about it all, and give him time. He will be back.

NeonGod73 Sun 26-Mar-17 23:54:31

I think most mums in you situation would have a merry dance around the kitchen with a glass of wine. I mean, no more moody, unreasonable teenagers to put up with on a daily basis!
He is safe with his dad. Enjoy your freedom. You have no idea what a favour your ex just did you. Your son will still see you and love you, don't worry.

ineedamoreadultieradult Mon 27-Mar-17 00:06:31

This happened to my friend, her son decided at 14 to go live with his dad as his dads house was bigger, nearer to town, he wasnt bothered about bed times and homework and practical things and would hand out money easily. It lasted about a year then they started to argue and the dad wasnt as happy to have to feed a teenager and all their friends and go out and pick them up from house parties etc so her son came back to her. I know it must hurt but i dont think it will be forever.

ImperialBlether Mon 27-Mar-17 00:06:54

I think you need to do a couple of things here. Firstly, look after yourself. Get off the drink - there are threads on here that can help you. Keep busy - why not start swimming or going to the gym or something to make yourself feel good? The nights are longer now, so you could go for a good long walk every night. Eat well, too. All those things will help improve your mood.

Then just think of it as him living there temporarily. Put a brave face on it and send him texts every day or two but don't say anything about the fact he's with his dad or that you miss him. Try to be upbeat in your messages and when he comes to yours, always be nice to him and happy to see him.

He's loved you all of his life. He still loves you, even though he's going through a selfish time. He loves his dad, too. It's not either-or. You'll get through this. Just make the most of him not being there, but please, please, don't go down the drinking too much route. That way lies a lot of sadness and a wasted life.

Alicemtaylor2000 Mon 27-Mar-17 00:18:19

Thank you x

OliviaBenson Mon 27-Mar-17 00:18:37

My dad would have said this about me. But he has a massive drinking problem and his denial was the killer of our relationship.

I obviously don't know you at all OP and I hope that your son is just being a typical teen. But could it be because if your relationship with alcohol?

If not, I'm sure he will come back to you.

Alicemtaylor2000 Mon 27-Mar-17 00:21:42

But btw I don't actually drink that much and that's not the underlying issue

Bloomed Mon 27-Mar-17 00:21:42

This happened to a friend of mine whose son felt the dad gave him more status (only way I can put it). After a couple of years he grew up a bit and became closer to his mum again.

Alicemtaylor2000 Mon 27-Mar-17 00:24:32

Thank you - I've heard the same thing from many other people - hope it works out the same. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one x

wtf2015 Mon 27-Mar-17 00:27:38

I'm going through the same - virtually word for word. It's awful isn't it? Why can't they see the reality of the situation? I've given up trying to justify things to ds2. I'm just flung to make a life for myself as hard as it is that doesn't centre around my dc.

Alicemtaylor2000 Mon 27-Mar-17 00:43:14

People keep telling me it will get better but yes it's awful. We had plans for a Mother's Day lunch today. I even bought a new dress. Then he texted me to say he didn't feel great and called it off.

WicksEnd Mon 27-Mar-17 00:49:33

Aww Alice that's so mean of him, but I'm sure he'll look back on it when he's a little older and cringe at how selfish he was.
I know it's hard, but don't take it personally. It's not about you, it's about HIM. He is the centre of the universe and the only one whose happiness matters. He'll grow up and out of it.
It's your time now! Get yourself of on holiday! Do something you've always wanted to do 💐

swingofthings Mon 27-Mar-17 06:07:58

Alice I am so sorry, you must be heartbroken, however as others have said, the fact your mentioned your drinking here can't be a coincidence and there must be a reason why you did bring it up. Did your son say something about it.

My SM was an alcoholic and if you'd ask her before she got help, she too would have said she didn't drink much and it wasn't an issue...until my dad left her. In her case, alcohol affected her in a way that made her incredibly aggressive and she would treat my dad terribly. Then she'd go to bed, wake up in the morning having forgotten it all. When my dad told her about her episode, she refused to believe him.

You haven't lost your boy, but if life is indeed easier at his dad, then it doesn't make him a bad person to have moved there. As others have said, concentrate on getting better and try to get your son to open up to you and tell you why he decided to move without throwing it back at him and making him feel guilty. It might have a very hard decision for him to make but one that he had for his own well-being.

Oddsocks15 Mon 27-Mar-17 12:50:59

I did this as a teen. My Mum was a single parent and brought me up, at 15 I moved in with my Dad who lived miles away from my Mum.

I must have broken my Mums heart. I lived with my Dad for a couple of years and came back.

looking back, I guess it was partly an act of rebellion, partly the lure of a bit of independence away from Mum as it had just been the two of us for so many years. I felt suffocated.

NeonGod73 Mon 27-Mar-17 14:59:37

Think of it as a temporary separation. He had you for years, now he wants a bit more of dad. Especially at his age, he needs to do more manly stuff with his father around.

mamawoo Thu 30-Mar-17 07:18:12

I am in exactly the same boat with my 16 year old son. We had an argument over him fighting with his 12 and 8 year old siblings and I stupidly called XH thinking he would talk sense into him. What actually happened is dad sided with him told the other kids off for winding him up and said to him oh I know what your mother is like come live with me. He is refusing to apologise to anyone unless they apologise first and telling his girlfriend he is staying at dad's on a perm basis. It's heartbreaking and makes you feel sick - I know. I didn't see him on Mother's Day either not even a card he did phone around 5pm to say happy Mother's Day but it's not the same. Dad is pulling a number that's for sure and promising him this that and the other to stay. Not quite the right move imo (hour away from the school instead of 10 minute walk) with GCSEs looming but everyone is telling me the same as you OP let him go he will be back. I can't even contact him as the phone he had is broke and in dad's name and dad isn't getting it fixed. Haven't seen him in over a week now. Teenagers are so hard.

TreeTop7 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:21:08

Give it a bit more time. Grown children are very capable of looking back and understanding who put in more hard work for them. Teenagers tend to go for the cushier option as pp have said.

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