I really need some advice on how to deal with my dd. I'm not sure if I need to change my attitude or to focus on dd and her habits. Sorry if this is a bit long - I want to give an accurate picture of her.
For background. When dd was younger, she had a very vivid imagination and spent a lot of time playing imaginary games - basically in a world of her own. She struggled to make friends and I was often at a loss over how to help her. I realise now, that she often chose not to socialise with the other children because she wanted to daydream/ play her imaginary games. She is now at secondary school and has struggled with friendships as she can be rather socially unaware and has a habit of making jokes that she doesn't think through, which have offended or made the other girls 
. She has finally found a small group of girls who she gets on with - all a bit quirky and different - but they get on like a house on fire, so I am very relieved for her.
Now she is getting older, the imaginary games have been replaced with music and headphones. I am worried that she has become a bit obsessive with them. If I leave her to it, she will spend all day in her room, headphones on, rocking back and forth to the music. I have laid some guidelines down - weekdays she doesn't get any devices until 7.30pm, so that she gets a chance to tackle homework etc. and at weekends she has a space between 10-5 where she can't have devices. The idea was that she would get some headspace to do other things and interact with family and friends. However, she is now putting her radio on during the non-device hours and rocking back and forth. I really don't want to tell her to turn the radio off as well! Personally, I love music and hate the idea of trying to control this - but it seems to be taking over everything. I feel like she is cutting the rest of the world out. I hate trying to monitor something which obviously gives her a lot of pleasure.
We are also struggling with dd taking responsibility for her self-care. She will not shower, brush her teeth and hair or wash her face unless we repeatedly ask her to. I feel that at 13 she should be doing this without prompting. She now has a lot of spots - but still won't wash her face without reminding. It is driving me spare.
Any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated. I feel like I am turning into a horrible, controlling nag. Do I just step away and let her get on with things? Is this behaviour normal and I am overreacting? Or should I be concerned about it? I feel like I am going slightly mad!
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Teenagers
DD 13 years old -
PrizePrawn · 25/03/2017 12:37
tinkerbell and Tenpast - thank you. At what point did you decide to get a diagnosis and what prompted you to? I am really worried that I am overreacting to normal teenage behaviour. I think some of this is so subtle, the school and many people we know might be a bit if we investigated it. I am also worried that dd might turn round years later and be very angry with us for putting a 'label' on her that she feels was unwarranted.
Tenpast - in answer to your question about school. Dd is quiet in lessons and has trouble concentrating sometimes. The teachers have noticed this and I am working with them to help improve this. They haven't commented on her behaviour beyond the quietness and concentration. She learns the guitar and is very good at this (obviously a very musical child)! When she started secondary school she went in, determined to make friends and make an impression. Unfortunately, she said a couple of things as jokes that weren't well judged and the comments have followed her - she ended up being ostracised by her class. The situation was complicated by a 'frenemy' from junior school who turned on her and spread a lot of other rumours. in January she was moved to a different class because she had become completely isolated. She has made a couple of friends in the new class and is quite happy at the moment. She also has a little group of girls that she meets up with at lunch - all fairly geeky and quirky - a trip to Comic Con is being planned!
My dd would be in your dd's comic con gang 
If school have noticed, maybe you could arrange a meeting with the head of SENCo, who will know the assessment process and be able to refer. And if you don't want to go down that path, they will be able to suggest strategies to help your dd concentrate better. For my dd this involved quieter classes and sitting next to a wall so that she wasn't surrounded by people. Also, her asd means that she needs clear, concise instructions. She is high achieving so teachers need to be made aware of her additional processing and sensory needs.
We decided to have dd assessed in Y5 asit became increasingly clear that she was having huge social issues and shutdowns.
Have you read about asd in girls?
I was worried about a 'label' too (tbh I still am), but diagnosis has enabled is to access huge amounts of support, which in turn have taken stress and anxiety off dd's shoulders.
Thanks emochild, I see your point of view completely 
. You are right that this needs more investigation - Dd is happy at the moment, but as you point out - things could well change.
It's understandable that it can feel difficult and confusing, PrizePrawn. Obviously you need to take the steps that are right for you and your DD.
I will say, though, that my mother felt very strongly about not 'labelling' and as a result I was in my mid-twenties before I realised I had AS. I think she considered that she was doing the right thing and if I had the 'label' I'd use it as an excuse not to try to fit in and act NT (or, as she put it 'like a normal person' 
)
It didn't make me any more NT, just miserable. It's not my intention to imply that you're anything like my mother was (the fact that you made this post proves differently!), but your DD's behaviours are very much like mine were (including the music, constant imaginative daydreaming, and not wanting to wash!) so I thought my perspective might be useful to you. 'That's an AS trait, lots of people have it,' is much easier to cope with than 'nobody else does that.' The latter can be incredibly isolating.
The teenage years were difficult for me as the forced social atmosphere of school was literally exhausting. If she's cutting the rest of the world out with music, there's a reason for that and restricting the music without addressing the reason she needs it might not do much good. She has to want to participate in 'the world' and it sounds like she's a bit overwhelmed at present.
Cancelly - it sounds like you had a tough time of it with your mum - I would hate to make my Dd feel that way. Good point about the music, the switching off aspect is obviously very important.
With the term 'labelling' - a lot of things would make more sense if Dd was eventually diagnosed. I just don't want her to feel like we have decided something about her that she might be shocked by or not agree with - but I see that it can go both ways and that it would also be very helpful for her to know where she stands.
Thanks everyone - you have all been very kind and helpful.
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