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So fed up really struggling to cope

(20 Posts)
mummy250271 Tue 21-Mar-17 17:31:39

Please can anybody help me see some sense. I am truthfully at the stage where I want to go to sleep and not wake up. My daughter is having such an awful time at college. She is 17 and had a largish friendship group throughout school but has always struggled to maintain friendships. She had a close friend who has since completely turned on her since they started college. This particular girl has now turned all of the existing friends away from my daughter as well. My daughter has no idea what she has done wrong and just shrugs it off saying "they can't have been genuine friends in the first place". She is trying to be brave but is so alone it hurts. I posted on another site where I was told I shouldn't be interfering in my daughters life, but I just want to see her happy. Everybody tells me she is a nice person, but i can't help but feel she can't be if everybody is turning against her. It is breaking my heart when she comes home and has spent the day and the bus journey alone. I should add she is a very very quiet girl who doesn't really join in on the social media scene.

Desperateforsleepzzzz Tue 21-Mar-17 18:50:08

I find it bizarre that you want to go to sleep and never wake up over your DDs social life, but your dd shrugs it off 🤷‍♀️

Desperateforsleepzzzz Tue 21-Mar-17 18:50:52

Your dd is right and very mature they weren't friends worth having.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Tue 21-Mar-17 18:54:13

Just be there for her. Be her rock in the background at home for when she needs you. I think it can be a difficult age with friendship groups. Hopefully she'll come out of this stage all the stronger for it to help her in her adult life. Sympathies op, it must be hard.

forcryinoutloud Tue 21-Mar-17 19:05:15

Sorry to hear this Mummy, I can see how low you feel re your daughters friendship issues but our DCs are stronger than you think you know so try and not get too down as your DD will pick up on this and it won't help her.

Firstly this sounds like a bit of a bullying issue, do you know of any reason why the original friend would behave like this? What did you know of her before? This business of friends turning other friends off, then if those people are so easily swayed then I would agree with desparate that they are not friends worth keeping anyway. At the age of 17 they should be able to make their own minds up not listen to a poison mouth. So, if we are calling it bullying, would you DD be willing to get any help from college pastoral staff? I'm not suggesting a big inquest, just some support and advice, some one to chat to who knows the college scene.?

And leaving college aside as this is not the be all and end all, what does your DD do outside college? Does she belong to any clubs, churches etc? If she had something to distract her and another friendship basis it would be a help. Do you think she would be better with one or two decent friends rather than a big mix of not very solid friends, esp if she is quiet. I should have said before but I have a similar sounding DD who has had similar issues, although she is just 15yrs, she has found maintaining friendships a struggle, always. It has been a great source of help when she joined a sports class.

I have to go now but I'll be back on later, hope you feel better soon and you'll get some others on here with good advice. I'm sure your DD is lovely and she'll get some decent friends.

mummy250271 Tue 21-Mar-17 19:17:30

I have an awful lot more going on Desperateforsleep, like a parent fighting cancer. This has just been the final straw for me

Foldedtshirt Tue 21-Mar-17 19:25:18

flowers mummy if she's coping be proud that you've raised an resilient child and look after yourself.

junebirthdaygirl Tue 21-Mar-17 19:27:38

Your dd will take her leading from you. I know its difficult but you need to give her the idea that you have total faith in ber to come through this. She is to be admired greatly not letting herself become a victim in this. So you do the same. This stage will pass and she will be fine. She sounds like a great kid so turn your thoughts to that and just spend some good times with her. Not easy l know when you are looking after an ill parent.

Desperateforsleepzzzz Tue 21-Mar-17 19:31:44

Sorry to hear that mummy. Your dd sounds like a strong girl and realises how mean these girls are ! Sadly it's not unusual from my experience of teens but usually by 17 they are slightly more mature . It won't be like this forever.

mummy250271 Tue 21-Mar-17 19:40:55

Thank you so much, I appreciate all your replies and will take them on board. I am being brave (lol) in front of her and telling her that she can find nicer friends so they are no loss, but behind closed doors I struggle, you just want to see them happy dont you. Thank you again I do appreciate the replies xx

forcryinoutloud Tue 21-Mar-17 21:52:27

Everybody tells me she is a nice person, but i can't help but feel she can't be if everybody is turning against her Mummy do you really believe this or is this the stress talking? You know your DD and whether she is a nice person, do you not think that perhaps it could be a case of a bunch of not so nice girls ganging up on her?

I think the best thing to do is to keep as strong as you can for her, talk, listen, find nice things to do when you can, see if there is help at college or look for things outside college that will help her distract from all this nonsense. Nice people WILL find her and she'll find them.

mummy250271 Thu 23-Mar-17 13:26:57

Thank you forcryinoutloud. They have today started to follow my daughter around about 6' behind her, wherever she goes lol. I think this clearly shows THEY have the problem, honestly 17 year olds acting like 7 year olds. I really think my daughter can get through this as she is clearly so much more mature, hopefully this will shine through.

Thank you again for ALL the replies, I truly am grateful xx

ImperialBlether Thu 23-Mar-17 13:35:22

Does she have a personal tutor? This is exactly the sort of thing they should be dealing with.

Is she doing A levels? First year? If so can she ask if she can be put into a different group next year?

She has to remember she has a great future ahead of her, unlike those spiteful girls, who will get what's coming to them one day. Your daughter will go on to university or a job and will find new friends - she's learned now what type to avoid and will be stronger for it. Poor thing though, they sound really nasty.

ohdoadoodoo Thu 23-Mar-17 13:38:29

Being alone (not to be confused with being lonely) isn't a bad thing. Some people enjoy it.

forcryinoutloud Thu 23-Mar-17 16:21:30

I really think my daughter can get through this as she is clearly so much more mature, hopefully this will shine through so glad to hear you sounding more upbeat now mummy. Yes it certainly does sound like these girls need to grow up, they have some big problems.

This is bullying though and I think if you and DD discuss that then see where to go from there. Does she want to involve college? If this nonsense can be nipped in the bud, all well and good.

Agreed ohdo many times I feel a lot more lonely when surrounded by people I don't connect with than when I am on my own!

swingofthings Thu 23-Mar-17 17:31:01

There are two possibilities: she picks her friends very badly, or she is not aware that she is actually not being a good friend herself.

On the assumption that there is a possibility that it could the second possibility, could you explore with her what things she does/say/doesn't do/doesn't say that she is not aware of that could actually be hurtful to her friends?

In the end, if she is acting in a way that is causing issues with friendship without realising it, it would be better to try to explore what that might be so that she doesn't carry this out in adulthood where it could also impact on her relationship with colleagues.

Alternatively, if it is that she chooses her friends badly, you could explore why it is that she picks these friends?

forcryinoutloud Thu 23-Mar-17 20:21:46

Swingofthings I think this is a slightly harsh summary, could also be that these girls are just being unpleasant, certainly the following business sounds really childish and unpleasant for 16/17 yr olds, no matter what the DD may or may not have done.

Howlongtilldinner Fri 24-Mar-17 03:29:01

I don't find it bizarre that you feel the way you do, and I'm sure you can see your DD isn't quite'shrugging it off'! Can't believe the things people posthmm

Personally I'd also be beside myself with worry. I don't think it has anything to do with your DD, but everything to do with a bunch of mean and immature girls.

Hopefully the girls will mature and realise what they're doing/done, in the meantime just be there for her, loving, solid and reliable.

I'm sorry you are both going through this, I hope your health is improvingflowers

swingofthings Fri 24-Mar-17 08:44:53

Forcryingoutloud, I did make a point to say that there are two possibilities, one of which being that the girls are unpleasant.

The issue is that this is not something new, so there is a trend and therefore likely issue, whether it is indeed with picking the wrong friendship or behaviour.

A friend of mine is having the same issue with her son. He is being picked up and struggling with friendship. It's always been a problem. He does make friends, but then fall out with them. She is worried and doesn't understand why kids are treating him so badly. She is a lovely friend and raising her kids very well and I don't know how to tell her that her boy is actually very unpleasant. He used to play cricket with my son (they go to a different school so don't have the same friends) and I used to take him/pick him up and his behaviour was really not friendly. My son said that he would never want to be friends with him because he acts selfishly, always putting his own interest first before the team and is very rude in his manners.

I don't dare telling my friend because I don't want to hurt her feelings and I expect he will grow out of it because I'm sure it's not the essence of who he is and probably more an issue with some low confidence/self-esteem.

forcryinoutloud Fri 24-Mar-17 19:08:00

I understand where you are coming from Swingofthings I only said that because Mummy needs handling gently judging from her original post and that summary just came across a bit blunt. As I said, can understand, from your experience, how you are advising. We all draw from our own experiences after all. I can relate to Mummy because my DD has such a hard time with friends/ lack of decent ones and some bullying issues on and off over the years.

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