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Snapchat DD 12 emoji help low level bullying excluding

(18 Posts)
Brighteyes27 Mon 20-Mar-17 22:35:44

My DD is having some hassle with ex friends. She has snapchat and is age 12 but literally all the kids her age communicate in this way.
I am concerned about her so we checked her snapchat just now as I don't let them have phones in rooms. One of her ex friends sent her message with what looked like a brown face and what looked a Mohican/carrot top hairstyle? What does this mean please?

It is mainly face to face low level social exclusion tactics and low level bullying. DD has told me about it and we are keeping an eye out for her and she didn't want me to do anything but tonight when I suggested emailing school to see if either she or they could move seats in the two or three lessons she has with them she hastily agreed. She has a high tolerance level so I have done this tonight.
I have suggested she avoids them as much as poss and tries to make new friends at school and outside. She has a couple of interests outside of school and I will do nice things and treats with her (but not quite the same I know).
Any other advice. Shall I leave it say a week and then maybe contact school whether she wants me to or not or respect her wishes. I just don't want it to be handled badly and the situation become any worse.

TheCakes Mon 20-Mar-17 22:40:31

It sounds like you are handling it well, and I do think respect her wishes, for the most part. If you see an escalation then you might need to reconsider, but at the moment, helping her with strategies to be resilient, and bolstering her self esteem seems like a good plan. Make sure she knows that you would contact school in a heartbeat but you are respecting her views on this. If she changes her mind she needs to tell you straight away and you will act on it.
I don't know what that emoji means, sorry.

Catzpyjamas Mon 20-Mar-17 22:42:12

Are you able to post a picture of just the emoji?

I would be speaking to her Head of Year about everything as these situations escalate quickly. Even just making them aware that something has been upsetting her and could they move her seats will surely lead to more questions anyway.

Brighteyes27 Mon 20-Mar-17 22:46:27

Thanks the cakes. She does appear to be handling it really well but she is very deep. She must be really sad at the ending of the friendship with these girls which had left her totally on her own. But she only ever cries when really hurt physically.
I am so proud of her questioning the friendships as the other girls seem to be on a very slippery slope to nowhere (behaving badly, going to watch fights, desperate to be popular keeping in with the girls who seem popular and emulating their behaviours, stealing money from parents to buy friendships with sweets and lying to parents re: their whereabouts and how much things cost etc).

Catzpyjamas Mon 20-Mar-17 22:49:04

They sound awful! Your DD is so much better off without their "friendship" but it must still be so hard for her.

Brighteyes27 Mon 20-Mar-17 22:51:32

Catzpyjamas thanks i don't really know how these things work. I have said something about what has been going on in my email, said we are keeping an eye on things and for now we don't want any action taken but we would like her or the other girls to move seats. I can't post a picture I'm sorry as the emoji vanished and I am not a whizz with snapchat. DD knows I am really not happy with the other girls behaviour towards her and she knows I won't hesitate to take things forward if she either wants me to or things escalate any.

Catzpyjamas Mon 20-Mar-17 22:57:20

That's great that she can talk to you about it. My poor niece was badly bullied online and never said to anyone until it got really bad.
There's a list of Snapchat emojis here

Brighteyes27 Mon 20-Mar-17 23:16:56

Thanks Catzpyjamas I have looked through this and other sites but haven't seen it again. I think it's disappeared from her phone (unless it's hidden) it wasn't the poop one or the monkey and it didn't look a very complimentary or friendly image.
The message in itself wasn't nasty or threatening they are being very clever so I guess tomorrow will be continuation of today. She says she doesn't want me to say anything directly to school staff as they'll call her a grass (which she definitely doesn't want).

TheCakes Mon 20-Mar-17 23:21:50

She sounds like a good girl - one to be proud of. Awful as this is, you both seem to be quite measured and not acting in an all guns blazing way, which can only be a good thing. Hopefully she will make new friends soon that she can have fulfilling friendships with. Just as long as she knows you have her back, she will get through this. I understand how sad and tricky it is though. My DS was bullied. I think when that happens it is a good thing to give them some control over how you take it forward rather than marching down to school when they ask you not to.
Having a little bit of control gives them confidence.
flowers for you and DD.

Catzpyjamas Mon 20-Mar-17 23:29:06

I'd say to her that you will deal with it on her terms for now but ask if she could screenshot her snapchat from now on, even just to show the volume of messages even if they appear innocent in themselves. The bullies are clever as they know the snapchat messages disappear, unlike texts or messenger, so she needs to record them before they vanish.

Brighteyes27 Tue 21-Mar-17 00:06:32

Thanks the cakes and Catz - I have explained this to her so she knows this. Ironically one of these girls has been attacked verbally on social media herself. DD knows how to take screenshots but kids also know when you have done this and go mad about it. They also all know how not to get caught out on social media now. So they don't say anything offensive. They ask seemingly harmless questions and say things to her face often in front of an audience accusing her of being horrible and mean to them over and over again, complete with fake crying for effect. I have heard them doing this on the phone and it is very annoying. 1 dd being mean to 3 of them and her now on her own and isolated without any friends I don't think shr is being mean. I have told her to photograph anything offensive on another device. It's dreadful really and to think it all started because she didn't want to lie to mean out where she was and go into town after school to watch two 12 year old boys fighting over a girl who has had umpteen boyfriends.

LoveDeathPrizes Tue 21-Mar-17 00:26:37

Could you give her an out? Tell her you're happy for her to tell her friends that you've banned her from Snapchat for a while. Maybe she'll go for that option if it's all getting a bit much. And if she can put the blame on you, there's no ammo for any bullying.

Brighteyes27 Tue 21-Mar-17 07:37:31

Thanks lovedeathprizes I have tried that one to give her a break from it all. But she won't agree to it as occasionally she gets messages from another couple of girls she plays football with and a couple of other girls she's occasionally sat with or near on a lunch time in recent times when she's been on her own at lunch times. To be fair the girls know I am onto them and they know I have dealt with similar things I.e. Social media bullying but much worse with much older girls in a work context. So they are careful they don't leave any contentious evidence to trip themselves up and get caught out on social media. Most of it is seems to be happening in person. Face to face so no trail is left. They are also going out of their way to tell anyone that will listen that my dd has been really horrible to them and that she is mean and nasty to them and they are so upset about it etc. They have even told their parents this is why they have fallen out with her and made out they are upset by it. When they were still friends and walking to school and seeing each other after school they suddenly started refusing to let her sit at the same table as them on a lunchtime (this happened for several days on the trot). Now they have twisted it to others and are saying they don't know what they have done but x has fallen out with them and doesn't want to sit with them at lunch time etc.

Brighteyes27 Tue 21-Mar-17 11:03:38

School have emailed back they will discreetly the ensure either DD or the former friends are moved in the classes she has with them and they are going to keep an eye on things without taking any action for now. But I have been asked to notify things if things don't improve or if things escalate and they will deal with it.
How can I boost DD's confidence and self esteem in the meantime whilst I am taking her to and from school to keep her out of harms way and until she finds some others to walk with? Thanks

LoveDeathPrizes Tue 21-Mar-17 23:03:43

Sorry Brighteyes I don't have much experience in this arena, but just wanted to hand hold. I already feel lost at the thought of raising kids with such ubiquitous social media. It sounds like you're doing all the right things and have her best interests at heart.

Brighteyes27 Wed 22-Mar-17 07:33:00

Thanks lovedeathprizes it's heart breaking she never shows much emotion in terms of tears unless she's really hurt herself physically. But she's gone from smiling and looking happy fairly often to looking sad and close to tears much of the time and easily angry with the family as well as wanting to spend more and more time on her own in her bedroom or in another room.

LoveDeathPrizes Wed 22-Mar-17 11:08:14

Is there scope for her to move schools in September or might that do more harm than good? I know they shouldn't be allowed to win, for want of a better word, but would she be happy?

I'm terrible in these situations. I'd always advocate sticking it out and developing resiliance etc but with my own kids I'd do the opposite.

Brighteyes27 Thu 23-Mar-17 17:02:02

Thanks love death prizes unfortunately it's low level bullying so whispering, or speaking about her just loud enough for her to hear (but not directly speaking to her) asking some people not to talk to her, asking some others what she has said about them (which is nothing), offering to be their friend if they tell her what she has said about them, asking her why she is being mean and nasty repeatedly especially within ear shot of others etc.
To be fair it is our closest school it's probably the best local school and it's a big school so maybe more options for friends but maybe too big to control this. She says she doesn't want to move schools. To be fair she seems to be handling it very well (all things considered) what do you think and says she is now '...with all the weirdos but at least they are all nice'. Today she moved seats in one lesson (as I requested) and one of the girls started muttering about her to the others saying why have you told on us why have you asked to be moved I think we should tell on her for something now. Today she said she had met another new friend someone who was being bullied last week that she stuck up for.
What do people think do you think she can handle it and do you think the bullies her ex friends will eventually get sick and leave her alone or do you think I should ask school to have a word with the girls or might that make things worse rather than better???

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