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I honestly need your opinions on this fairly quickly... my head is so confused

(15 Posts)
ihatethecold Sat 18-Mar-17 12:25:38

My DD 13 was very badly bullied over the last 6 months. Really nasty online abuse, so bad that the police became involved and the girl, also 13 was given a community order.

They used to be best friends and attend the same school.

The effect on my dd has been devastating, her confidence and self worth has fallen through the floor.
She has terrible anxiety and has struggled to get to school some days.

The school have tried to help and she sees a family therapist at school and has access to a safe place to work if she cant cope.

The school recently did restorative justice with my dd and the bully which was successful and they now speak again.

Here is the problem, my dd has told me she is now going into town with the bully today.

I feel sick!

We talk about people showing you who they are and you take notice. we have seen what this girl is capable of.

My dd is kind and gentle and is about to lose her closest friend due to her moving away, she is so upset about this.
It feels like the final kick in the teeth for my dd after a dreadful year.
The school describe my dd as looking lost which breaks my heart.

I really am not happy about her going to town today but i can hear her getting ready upstairs.

she needs to make new friends so she doesn't feel so isolated when her best mate leaves, we keep trying to arrange stuff to encourage it without much enthusiasm from my DD.

i don't know if I'm over reacting about my feelings in this situation.

I don't know who to ask for advice. i know no one that's been through this.

Coldhandscoldheart Sat 18-Mar-17 12:31:01

Let her go, make sure she is sure she can phone or text you a code word & you will find a reason to demand her home again or to go and pick her up.

Alternatively decide you must meet her in an hour or two for an urgent errand (tea and cake) which is non negotiable so there's a time limit.

Don't know if either of those is any good. I suspect if she doesn't go, she's opening herself up to accusations of standing bully up, leaving her in the lurch, I thought we were friends again etc.

Or tail them?

ihatethecold Sat 18-Mar-17 12:37:57

There's 4 going including my dd.
I don't think there will be any problems today.
It's just what message my dd is giving the bully.
She so desperate to be part of the group again.

It feels like going back to an abusive person in a relationship because it's better than being on your own.

Moussemoose Sat 18-Mar-17 12:41:56

Stopping her would be worse. She will close up and you won't find out what's going on.

Let her go, keep communication channels open, discuss it and make more decisions based on how it goes.

ihatethecold Sat 18-Mar-17 12:46:47

I wouldn't stop her going.
I just don't feel ok about it.

DancingLedge Sat 18-Mar-17 12:50:00

What cold hands said.

Giving her an out seems very important, and places her back in control.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sat 18-Mar-17 12:50:59

But dd must feel OK about it. ..
She sounds very mature to feel able to do this. .
Bullying is terrible but your dd has got through it and feels able to move on from it. .
Likely with all the support she received so well done to all who gave her the tools to do so. .

ihatethecold Sat 18-Mar-17 12:57:27

I have said I will collect her anytime.

igglu Sat 18-Mar-17 12:57:52

My ds is in a similar situation. He has a group of friends from primary (now in year 7), one of whom has been bullying him, usually in a nasty undermining comments sort of way, but he was actually caught on camera thumping him a few weeks ago.

School have been involved and it's been dealt with but my ds is still spending time with him as he's part of the group.

We're really not happy about this but have decided we just need to let ds manage the "friendship" as he wants, hopefully he'll distance himself as he gets more settled into school and makes other groups of friends. Ds knows we're going to be keeping an eye on the situation and will not tolerate any more bullying and we certainly won't have the bully coming to our house, but on the whole we're leaving the choice to him.

It's really hard though. My husband wants to string the bully up but obviously won't do anything, so it's really difficult to see him still hanging around.

Coldhandscoldheart Sat 18-Mar-17 13:31:44

Code word may be handy so she doesn't actually have to ask you to collect in front of people iyswim?
I do not have teenagers btw, this was gleaned from threads on here.

Coldhandscoldheart Sat 18-Mar-17 13:33:00

And to add, she may not feel okay about it, but not feel she has a choice.
Unfortunately if she's set on going, you might have to unpick that later.

ihatethecold Sat 18-Mar-17 15:08:17

She went. She looked happy. We saw her on the bus with her "friends" looking ok.
I'm not worried she won't be ok today it's more why would she want to be friends with someone who can treat her so badly.

JustDanceAddict Sat 18-Mar-17 17:08:32

Ugh! Prob a case of wanting to be in the group again. hope it goes well.

ihatethecold Sat 18-Mar-17 18:34:48

It went ok.
She said she felt things were different with the group of girls.
She said she felt they (the girls) were still close and she felt a bit of a spare part at times.

I really hope she doesn't want to make this a regular event.

I couldn't even look at the 2 girls waiting for her at the bus stop.

I dislike them so much for what they did to my dd.

khajiit13 Sat 18-Mar-17 20:12:29

I understand how you feel. This is really quite normal (unfortunately) Bullies get under your skin, your daughter will be suffering with low self esteem and teenagers just want to be liked, even by those who treat them badly (sometimes even more so) You just have to let her ride it out for now.

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