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Is this normal 13 yo girl behaviour or is it more sinister?

(11 Posts)
cocopops Tue 14-Mar-17 15:16:30

Just had a conversation with my DD's head who had called her into her room for a chat yesterday. Apparently the teacher is concerned with friendship issues and says that my daughter is in tears at least twice a week over fallings out etc etc. She seems to think my DD has issues, that this isn't normal and they are concerned about her (although she agreed that it was in no way affecting her school work). My DH died last year in horrific circumstances and I am wondering whether this is a case of her needing extra counselling because of that or whether it is just typical of hormonal teenagers. I personally think it's the latter- I am always hearing of fallings out within her year group and the teacher hauling them all in for a chat. Any advice/sharing of experiences gratefully received.

damnedgrubble Tue 14-Mar-17 15:18:53

I think it's normal but they have probably made more of it because of her experiences and want to make sure that she is ok given what happened to your Dh/her dad flowers

Meloncoley2 Wed 15-Mar-17 03:42:47

You must have both had a really difficult time flowers

I don't think schools contact parents unless they have real concerns, and they do see a lot of children to know what is typical behaviour. What do they suggest?

Bloosh Wed 15-Mar-17 06:50:47

I don't think it's normal. They all argue loads but my dd is not crying twice a week. She was in y7 but was involved in a toxic friendship at that point (with a girl whose dad had died as it happens).

If the school is ringing you then I'd start from the basis that there is a problem. And her dad dying only a year ago is also going to be affecting her. I would organise some sort of counselling and also try to minimise contact with friends outside of schooltime by prioritising family time.

Bensyster Wed 15-Mar-17 07:13:11

So sorry for your loss. flowers
I think it it's unusual for a school to contact a parent over simple teen stuff. It could be they are keeping an extra close eye on her due to your dh's death....or the friendship issues could be showing signs of being more than just normal teen stuff. Either way I think it's good that they have their eye on her and you should take their advice seriously.

t875 Wed 15-Mar-17 08:25:08

It could be normal and not be.
Have you asked her why she has been crying and the head calling you in? Was you concerned with what the head teacher said?
She might need bereavement counciling possibly ..
You can call CRUSE on their help line and also talk about dd.
I am so sorry for your loss. flowers

t875 Wed 15-Mar-17 08:31:25

Was you concerned with what the head said?
Have you spoke to dd about what was said / why she is crying?
I would possibly go down the route of councilling. Just so they can even asses her and see if she is struggling. You could call winstons wish which are a children's bereavement service or cruse too.
So sorry for your loss 💐 X

t875 Wed 15-Mar-17 08:32:26

Oops Sorry. Didn't think my first post went through. Sorry to double up x

Kimlek Wed 15-Mar-17 10:56:47

Did the school have any suggestions? I think it's so difficult for a parent to second guess what's going on. We are also too emotionally involved as want to fix things. I'd definitely take advice from the school and keep communication very open with your daughter. Sending best wishes!

cocopops Wed 15-Mar-17 11:19:54

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.

My DD is already getting counselling to deal with what happened to my DH but she is still understandably quite vulnerable and is also at that horrible hormonal stage where friendship issues seem to be the end of the world.

The head of year telephoned me yesterday afternoon and was at pains to point out she wasn't in trouble. What had prompted the "intervention" was that another teacher had overhead my daughter on the school bus talking about a nasty text that a girl in her class had sent her. This was reported up the chain and my DD and the other girl were called in for a chat. I said that when you call a 13 year old into your room with another teacher present, its understandable that she thinks she is the one in trouble so she agreed to have another word with my daughter to reassure her this is not the case and they are just concerned about her.
I agree the crying is not perhaps normal but she has been through a lot and on top of her dad's death she has to cope with raging hormones and fallings in and out (she's at an all girls school so issues are magnified 100%!). I have told her she needs to calm down a bit and if she feels upset to have a private cry.
I have since found out that yesterday the head called 2 of DD's friends in and told them they should find new friends (she said this to my DD too!). The thing is they fall in, fall out and all is ok. I said to the head I remember being the exact same at that age.

So, all in all, I am feeling a little calmer today (I had a cry when I came off the phone yesterday -thank god I wasn't at work!). Having spoken with other parents, it seems this woman is constantly taking girls into her room and trying to sort out issues. She clearly has got too much time on her hands and should just let them get on with it. I suppose I am lucky in that my DD confides a lot in me so at least I became aware of the "chat" and have insisted on being kept in the loop in future should anything similar happen.

Jackeve Wed 15-Mar-17 20:21:42

I went through this with both my daughters so would say it is normal. At that age they are so hormonal that the slightest fall out can feel like the end of the world. Girls can be so nasty and mean to each other and then be best friends the next day. I'm sure your daughter is probably all the more sensitive because of losing her dad.
With my daughters I just told them to tell me whenever they had fallen out with friends so I knew why they were sad and then could give them an extra big hug 😊.

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