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Argh please quick help

(31 Posts)
SaltySeaDog72 Mon 13-Mar-17 17:04:34

Ok wise MN peeps.... totally NOT prepared for this outcome so please help me get perspective

dd1 turns 14yo next month. Very socially confident popular and usually lovely girl although is out a lot.

Me & her dad are divorced. He lives same town 1 mile away.

I have just been away with bf to arrive home to find evidence of a teenage sleepover, masses of MacDonalds remenants, Fanta, Coke bottles, Easter eggs wrappers. No evidence of alcohol consumption (thank goodness).

dd1 just fessed up. She told her dad she was staying at a friend's and they all stayed over Saturday night.

Am a bit blindsided and dunno what the course of action should be. I guess I need to inform the other parents?

What sort of sanctions? Grounding from sleepovers?

Was thinking go for jugular (remove iPhone) but..... no alcohol or boys involved and no mass party. So am trying to figure out how to handle...

Was feeling nice and chilled after weekend away now feels like house has been weirdly violated and now gotta make a snap judgement about this behaviour!!! Argh!!!

Your thoughts please on appropriate sanction/course of actions... all thoughts appreciated....

lookatmenow Mon 13-Mar-17 17:13:45

Not sure but to give you time tell her what she has done is wrong and you need time to think about a fair consequence and will let her know when you have decided.

That way your back in control and not acting on a knee jerk reaction

Foldedtshirt Mon 13-Mar-17 17:19:32

How tricky. How certain are you that there was no alcohol or shenanigans? It was very irresponsible of her from a knowing where people were- did the other girls tell their parents you were there? I wonder why she didn't clear up better?

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 13-Mar-17 17:19:49

Thanks for that... I'll do that... to clarify, there were three girls here

MrsC2009 Mon 13-Mar-17 17:21:07

I remember doing this... I would actually have a chat with her and say you're disappointed she didn't ask you. Tell her you're pleased she wasn't drinking, and that there's no damage etc but feel that you'd rather had known it was going to happen - in case any neighbours had wondered what was going on (as they knew you were away)
Just thinking about how would've worked with me in my rebellious teenage years!
Good luck!

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 13-Mar-17 17:24:03

She didn't clear up better because she is only 13!!! And not as clever she thinks. And got picked up from here by her Dad (who really ought to have been more suspicious & switched on - but c'est la vie). Perhaps he arrived earlier than they thought. He didn't come into the house. I think if alcohol I would know. Have checked bins. There was drink left out but was Fanta/Coke.

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 13-Mar-17 17:26:15

Do I tell the other parents??

lookatmenow Mon 13-Mar-17 17:28:06

I would maybe mention that now she has broken your trust In her, any future sleepovers with her at friends are and will be vigorously checked out and that she has now compromised you saying a straightforward trustworthy yes.

lookatmenow Mon 13-Mar-17 17:29:56

Do you know the kids? At 13 I think I would speak with them when they're next at your house about it, telling them you weren't happy but yes, I think I would also mention to parents.

Foldedtshirt Mon 13-Mar-17 17:33:54

I mentioned the clearing up in case it had been in the afternoon or there was a logical explanation. How well do you know the other parents? TBH at 13 I'd have wanted confirmation or would have dropped off for a sleepover, but if they're likely to go blame you for not supervising their own dc...
I think I'd go down more in sorrow than in anger route and insist on dropping off collecting for a long time.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast Mon 13-Mar-17 17:36:10

You said she told her dad she was at a sleepover, but was the original plan for her to go to him for the weekend, or to stay home alone for some of it, you didn't really say?

If he thought she was staying at a friends, why did he come to pick her up from home, and not think that was a bit odd?

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 13-Mar-17 17:49:28

She was at her dad's for the weekend. No plan to be left here at mine. She often goes for sleepocers though. dd1 spun him a yarn about being picked up from here - story she gave was 'because they had been to McDonald's for breakfast' (er yeah right, in a different town, dropped off, mmm confused ). McDonald's is up the road. He had his suspicions but didn't check it out. He should have followed his suspicions up.

cdtaylornats Mon 13-Mar-17 18:13:50

As teenage rebellion goes it wasn't exactly huge.

I would go for a don't do it again and make it known the next infraction will see her offline until she's old enough to move out.

MrsC2009 Mon 13-Mar-17 18:14:37

I used that one. I also told my mum that my friends mum had gone to work and kicked us out which is why we all turned up at my house for breakfast at 7am.
In reality we had been camping up the mountain..
I think it depends on your relationship with your daughter too.
Would respond better to "disappointment " or anger?

Worriedgranny Mon 13-Mar-17 18:15:11

Hug her madly and be glad she hadn't advertised a party on fb!!

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 13-Mar-17 18:16:52

Hahaha worried you've got a point.

I think that's why I feel I need to chill and get perspective..... she does know about a bazillion people. Only three seem to have stayed over....

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 13-Mar-17 18:21:18

Seriously it could have been SO much worse, you are quite lucky OP.

But that certainly doesn't mean minimise or ignore what did happen! I would tell the other parents and do what lookatmenow suggests - no more safe trustworthy automatic permission.

Haffdonga Mon 13-Mar-17 18:26:47

It should be her dad who is punishing her/ contacting the other parents/ taking her phone or whatever. He was the parent she lied to and he was the parent supposedly responsible for her.

So, how well do you co-parent with him? Can you agree with him on a fair consequence and then back him up in carrying it out?

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 13-Mar-17 18:47:04

Um, well, with him it's ok. As long as things go ok. His ability to think things through is sometimes limited (hence the divorce haha). It's a good thing we found out once they are back here. He can be knee-jerk reaction type. He was thinking along the lines of grounding her for a long time. I'm thinking more along the lines of 'no sleepovers' for the next month or so. Including no birthday sleepover. Her own birthday is in two weeks. And let's face it she has just had probably the best sleepover ever!!

I will tell her am very pleased re no alcohol and only two friends and no damage. But no sleepovers for the rest of term and tighter control/end of automatic yes/trust re her whereabouts.

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 13-Mar-17 18:48:39

I think perhaps also earlier iPhone kerfew. 9pm not 10pm.

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 13-Mar-17 19:01:01

curfew even

(Where's auto correct when you need it..)

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 13-Mar-17 19:34:28

That'll hit her where it hurts OP!

Astro55 Mon 13-Mar-17 19:42:18

I would be as much annoyed at her dad as I was about her!!

Agree ban sleepovers for now plus speak to the parents - their daughters also lied and maybe assumed you would be home!

JoJoSM2 Mon 13-Mar-17 20:14:03

I think I would tell her how disappointed I was with her behaviour and lying to us. I'd probably ask her what she would do as a parent and what punishment she sees as fair for that behaviour. She might just give you an idea. Otherwise, probably a ban on sleepovers for a while.

wineusuallyhelps Mon 13-Mar-17 22:04:53

Just a suggestion re. punishment via phones. I keep a £10 PAYG handset in the house. For certain offences, the child gets that phone to use that day instead of their iphone...!

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