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Help! 17 yo facing online bullies

(12 Posts)
cappy123 Sun 05-Mar-17 16:19:58

My DSD had a sleep over party for her 17th on Friday and invited friends from her new college. Of the 10 she invited 6 came. She didn't enjoy it at all. People were on their phones, passed up on the cake, ignored her or bossed her around. She had asked in advance what people wanted to eat, do etc and so she had games to play, DVDs to watch and we bought KFC and snacks as requested. They criticised her drinks (all pop, they knew there'd be no alcohol), refused to watch the films etc. She thought they'd be nicer on her birthday in her own home, but she said they were worse than she's ever known them to be. She spent a couple of 15 mins with us, as she found it distressing, but committed to see it through till morning.

Yesterday after some 'are you OK?' type comments on Snapchat, she finally told the invitees that they were kind of out of order. This has resulted in all sorts of backlash from them and others who were not there. She's hardly wet behind the ears, but she's adjusting to life in college where she's witnessing more immaturity and nastiness from her peers towards herself and others than she saw in her quite small secondary school, where they learned how to get on with each other. She is dreading going to college tomorrow.

I'm listening and empathising but really want to say just block them on Snapchat, report them, change your friends, because I'm sure that would be unwelcome. She has to study with these guys. I will have a chat at the right time about emotionally shoring herself up. Any other advice? Right now she's in reflective mood. She's not one to just ignore it, she'll want to know how it can be fixed, but she is nervous about tomorrow.

cappy123 Sun 05-Mar-17 16:28:11

Last para I meant 'but' I'm sure that would be unwelcome, not 'because'.

cappy123 Sun 05-Mar-17 23:07:04

Anyone?

Cooroo Sun 05-Mar-17 23:38:07

I haven't anything helpful but am sorry no one has been able to help. I thought that by 17 teens had settled and stopped being so horrible. Your DSD sounds brave and deserves better friends than these. My DD had some problems at 14, then found her 'tribe' (geeks and gamers) and was much happier.
Some will have been going along with the more dominant ones and will outgrow it, but in the meantime she needs new friends. Easier said than done.

Trying2bgd Sun 05-Mar-17 23:45:28

I think you are already doing the right thing and supporting her. Just let her know that you have her back and that whatever happens, she can talk to you.There is nothing else to do until you find out what happens tomorrow. They do seem a feckless lot though and are clearly not on the same wavelength as her. Good luck to her.

babyunicornvomit Sun 05-Mar-17 23:47:35

Sounds awful for her! I was only in college 4 years ago and when I went people (mainly girls) were still a bit bitchy but nothing like that. It might be hard for her but I'd advise her to try and sit with different people, they don't sound like good friends to her and I can imagine them getting really out of hand when they start turning 18 and going out in town drunk. Not the kind of friends who'd help her out if she wasnt well, was getting harassed, got lost etc. sad
Good luck to her flowers

FreeNiki Sun 05-Mar-17 23:51:36

Their behaviour was rude however a sleep over party with a cake, pop, kfc, games and movies?

She's 17 not 7.

I think the party was just too young for them and no wonder they were bored but that in no way excuses the rude behaviour. She also doesn't know them that well so who knows what they expected.

I went to a sleep over party when I was 17. There was a disco in the lounge, food in the kitchen, alcohol (strictly supervised by the parents we were allowed one) and buffet food.

Taking a few friends to dinner and/ or the cinema would have been better than your DDs party.

She has kind of escalated the situation where what she should have done was hold her head high and think twice about bothering with them again. Tackling them by text knowing you'll have to face them was unwise.

I'd just avoid them from now on.

FreeNiki Mon 06-Mar-17 00:00:14

They asked her if she was ok on snapchat afterwards so they didnt blank her or were unkind and they get it both barrells from her in response to that.

Perhaps they didnt know they upset her. Teens can still lack self awareness.

Plenty of adults sit using phones all the time let alone teens. Look at mumsnet for a prime example: people on it all hours presumably with children jobs and families to care for.

They asked if she was ok, she shouldnt have let rip and waited until she saw them and discussed it then or simply made a choice to distance herself.

Now she has to stay in class with them for another year and a half. Lesson learned.

cappy123 Mon 06-Mar-17 18:58:28

Thanks everyone. Very kind comments.She didn't go in today, but is looking forward to catching up with her old friendship group from secondary school, this coming weekend.

Free Niki Okaaaay. Thanks but with respect she provided what they asked for, perhaps you missed that in my post. We were happy to arrange stuff away from the house, but as you say they're 17, and so it wasn't our place to override her choice and force her or her friends to do something we regarded 'more grown up'. She's already been to some parties like that - with alcohol - hosted by other 17 year olds from college.

She's v popular and has different groups of friends from different settings. Having been to other college parties she was just 'having her turn' and I think they knew they were a bit out of line by constantly asking her if she was ok on Snapchat. I'm glad she didn't lie. Telling them finally they were out of order was hardly both barrels! Who's to say ignoring them wouldn't have been worse. Teen relationships online and in real life are a minefield.

t875 Mon 06-Mar-17 22:41:40

Hope this all settles down. So hard with change and when she gets this.
Good on her for showing she's not a walk over. If it carries on I'd encourage her to keep the friends to college and not outside. And stick to her sec school friends for the time being.
They still should have make a bit of effort it was her birthday after all.
But I guess it's going to take time for them all to get to know what each other likes moods etc.
All the best. Sounds like you are a great supper for her!

FreeNiki Tue 07-Mar-17 01:45:26

Ok sorry.

Perhaps but i guess ignoring them wouldn't have resulted in an online slanging match with other people getting in on the act and her missing college today.

You just have to pick your battles. This lot clearly dont care that they were rude to her so telling them off resulted in what exactly? Her being more upset than she already was which they dont care about either.

She's only 17 has lots of other friends lots of birthdays to come. She just could have replied yes fine ...when they asked after her and distanced herself.

It just isnt worth telling these people what you think they dont care and in a way enjoy the fight and I've learned that the hard way.

I hope she makes it in tomorrow. There is nothing worse than feeling this way.

HerOtherHalf Tue 07-Mar-17 01:53:57

Really difficult, both for you and for her. She's going to have to ride it out and use her best people skills to de-escalate it as quickly as she can. Regardless of who is right or wrong, tell her to swallow her pride and apologise for being grumpy with them. Otherwise they are likely to gang up on her and make her life miserable. All you can do is support her and listen.

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