Talk

Advanced search

I've bred a monster : advice, please

(24 Posts)
OrlandaFuriosa Sun 26-Feb-17 23:24:48

I've just said unforgivable and unforgettable things to our teen.

But I've bred a monster, at any rate to his parents, potentially to a future family.

He's charming to most people, though pretty demanding as far as I can see to his friends. He's an only.

He has been working from home. He tells me off and then says, because he uses words cleverly, that there was nothing critical in us words, that I'm being paranoid. I.e. He gaslights me.

He does nothing to help. He lies on the sofa and expects exeverything to be done for him, by his father and me.

He's selfish . He can cook but will usually only cook for himself. He never offers to make anyone a cup of tea. He can do his own washing, but won't do it or if so only does it for himself. He inhabits our sitting room where the tv is, to work, so we can't use the room as he's working or in the phone. He claims that because he is the only one working in the house (DH is ill, I am too and have taken early retirement) he shouldn't do any housework.

He's a bit ODD. He's clever. He's idle.

He can also be v loving. He loves the dog.

We are not charging him rent on the basis that he is saving his earnings to travel pre uni. He was outraged at the proposition even though he is earning, admittedly at minimum wage and short term contracts.

He is giving me a hard time about me not earning. The latest was he doesn't want to see me starve when I'm 70. He has made it clear he doesn't want to have to support us. He's mean with money towards us.

I told him to get out. He did.

I later apologised for overreacting over a small straw, which I had done, and I neither want to be petty nor set a bad example. he has come back. He doesn't want to talk to me, fine. I don't want to talk to him, ATM .

I said we need to renegotiate our family relationship. I said I understood he felt hard done by, and more, and that I felt exploited etc.

Advice, please. Not just to put our relation on a better footing but also to help him for the future.

cerealnamechangers Sun 26-Feb-17 23:26:40

I don't think it's you who needs to be apologising.

Carollocking Sun 26-Feb-17 23:28:24

Why on earth did you take back in?could have been exactly what he needed to grow up.

AnyFucker Sun 26-Feb-17 23:28:39

Stop acting like a second class citizen in your own home

How did you both end up being such doornmats controlled by this Little Hitler ? shock

OrlandaFuriosa Sun 26-Feb-17 23:32:30

Ok, so help me renegotiate.

TheCakes Sun 26-Feb-17 23:34:01

How old is he? If he's old enough to work and travel he's old enough to do his bit around the house.

OrlandaFuriosa Sun 26-Feb-17 23:36:54

He's just come in to say goodnight, and that we have, as a family an agreement that none of us goes to bed angry. Which is good.

But now I need the techniques to make this negotiation stick. The lines in the sand as well.

OrlandaFuriosa Sun 26-Feb-17 23:37:14

19. More than old enough,

AnyFucker Sun 26-Feb-17 23:38:25

Get him out of your living area for a start. He can go and putrify in his bedroom like every other self respecting teen

Start charging him reasonable rent e.g. 20% of his wages whether it is part time or sporadic or what

Make an arrangement that he cooks for the family x times a week

He does his own laundry and acts nicely in plenty if time for lifts or you simply refuse

He quits badmouthing you or you will not give him the Wi-Fi password that you will be changing on a regular basis

Stop waiting on him like something from below stairs. You are not his fucking servant. Get some backbone.

Patriciathestripper1 Sun 26-Feb-17 23:39:37

Sounds like he has learned that he can do and say what he wants and you will roll over and give in to your special snowflake.
Tell him to chip in or get out.
Chipping in can mean either pay rent or muck in with chores like cooking, washing, cleaning.
Make him work from his free bedroom you provide for him.
Stand up for yourself. And if he wants to go then let him. He'd probably be back in a few days anyway. He sounds like the character 'spoilt bastard' in viz.

OrlandaFuriosa Sun 26-Feb-17 23:39:57

To do him justice, he did cook for everyone last Sunday, both lunch and supper, me sous cheffing. But he has resisted cooking one night a week which is what I've been aiming for. He has decided to clear up his room, good, but won't clear up his mess elsewhere unless I nag and nag and nag.

OrlandaFuriosa Sun 26-Feb-17 23:41:51

Makes it harder because I'm the only one prepared to take him on, DH won't. Can't/ won't.

Helpful suggestions so far, thanks.

AnyFucker Sun 26-Feb-17 23:42:22

Stop backtracking now.

FreeNiki Sun 26-Feb-17 23:42:24

Dont nag him.
Get his mess from around the house put it bin bags and chuck it in the garage or out the front door.

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing Sun 26-Feb-17 23:43:09

He's working full time and not giving you ANYTHING?? Oh no to that!! Who does all the shopping/household tasks??

OrlandaFuriosa Sun 26-Feb-17 23:43:14

Love the putrefying like every other self respecting teen, Anyfucker. He does, a bit, leaving an ocean of detritus around.

WetsTheFinger Sun 26-Feb-17 23:43:27

What is ODD?

AnyFucker Sun 26-Feb-17 23:44:54

I have no issue at all with being the bad guy. My H is much softer than me (although he has toughened up over the years with two of ours to negotiate their teens)

It's a cliche but U I have no interest in being mates with my kids. We are different generations. They have their friends, I have mine. We are parents first and foremost.

AnyFucker Sun 26-Feb-17 23:47:26

The detritus stays in their rooms. Every so often if stuff doesn't get shifted from living areas I simply scoop it up and throw it in their respective rooms.

I have stood at the kitchen door with bin bags full before now when I have repeatedly warned to tidy their crap up. Invited them to tidy immediately or in the dustbin it goes.

I have taken the Wi-Fi router to work with me.

ferriswheel Sun 26-Feb-17 23:48:55

I am about to divorce my h for being a gas lighting selfish nasty pig. I wish his mother had stood up to him. Get it sorted.

Steamgirl Mon 27-Feb-17 00:07:51

My primary age dc help out more than your adult boy. Don't negotiate, lay the law down eg
1. He pays x amount rent
2. He works in his bedroom not the living room. Always.
3. He contributes to the grocery bill and shares cooking. On days he does not cook he washes up, dries and puts away the dishes.
4. He does own laundry and x housework every week.
5. If he is unhappy with the above, time to move out.
Without telling him you put the money he gives you aside so that you can help him to pay the deposit on a rental.

Simple.

OrlandaFuriosa Mon 27-Feb-17 00:17:07

AnyF, yes, I throw detritus into his room. Have refused to clean his room or clear it up. 6" of floordrobe his to sort. Have refused to do washing unless put in laundry basket. He has accepted these..

Ferris, that's what I'm terrified of. He'll leave us, but I don't want crap treatment of someone else, have seen too much misery that way.

Steam, I might amend a couple of those bits ( replacing them with others) but yes, in principle that's what I'm aiming for.

AnyF, how do you manage your DH in this area? Mine is hopeless at discipline.

AnyFucker Mon 27-Feb-17 00:27:49

We tend to balance each other out. He is much softer but never undermines me and if he thinks I am too harsh he will have a word later out of earshot

He has got firmer over the years but is happy for me to be the main disciplinarian. However, if he raises his voice (

AnyFucker Mon 27-Feb-17 00:28:14

(rarely) everyone listens...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now