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15 yr old dd wants the Pill :/

(60 Posts)
greenwool Mon 20-Feb-17 17:43:28

(Name changed for this one.) Dd2 (15) has a boyfriend of the same age, who she's been going out with for nearly a year. I am/was sure that so far they hadn't had sex. They have very little time together outside of school, apart from visits to each other's houses. These only happen when parents are in the house, so are well supervised - or at least they are at my house. However, I suspect her Dad may be less vigilant when she's there. Also, I always thought they were supervised at the BF's house. But yesterday she went there: his parents were in, so I assumed they'd keep an eye as I know they're quite strict. She came home with her top inside out hmm. I'm not 100% sure she didn't go out with it like that, but it has left me wondering just how much they get left to their own devices.

I've tried talking to dd2, without actually mentioning the top as she'd be mortified and clam up. She swears blind that they've never even kissed, which tbh just increases my suspicion. It occurs to me that for her past couple of periods she's been (IMO) exaggerating the pain she was suffering, and complaining bitterly about 'acne' that is in fact only a couple of spots. She has asked me if I'll take her to the GP for the Pill. Her older sister has been on the Pill since age 14 for severe period pain (of the grey-faced, vomiting sort) and a very bad case of acne, so dd knows that this is a possibility. I'm wondering whether she is in fact planning to use it for contraception.

Although I plan to make sure she and BF are much better supervised in future, and do all I can to prevent them having sex, I simply can't control things all the time. I'd like to get her on the Pill to avoid any chance of pregnancy.

But as she swears blind it's for period pains, I'm wondering how this would work. When I first took dd1 to the GP for her pain, he prescribed stronger painkillers first, and only prescribed the Pill when those didn't work. As I'm pretty sure she doesn't want it for periods at all, would it be best to just ask for the Pill? Or even slip a note to the GP saying that I'm pretty sure she wants it for contraception? What would the legality be of that, given her age? She has anxiety issues and there's no way she'd go to the GP on her own.

Isadora2007 Mon 20-Feb-17 17:48:43

She isn't that far off the legal age of consent so why the huge deal from either of you? You need to sit down and talk and be honest and her be honest too. "Not even kissed". ? I mean come on... don't play dumb. Her top was inside out because she had the top off. They are probably having sex already. My mum believed the condom in my pocket was down to me and my friends being interested in what they looked like 😂 Come on.

greenwool Mon 20-Feb-17 17:51:32

Oh, I'm under no illusions. But I also know dd2 very well, and know I'd have a dreadful reaction if I confronted her saying I know very well they've been kissing and more. (Not fully relevant to this thread, but she has MH/SH issues and would react very badly.) I also know that she will not be honest with me.

As far as age goes, she's only just turned 15. (The legal age of consent where we live is actually 17, but very few people take any notice of that!)

GummyBunting Mon 20-Feb-17 17:54:04

Is she almost 16? If so it would be sensible for her to be on the pill. There is a high chance that she's either having sex, or thinking about doing it soon, and in that case making sure she is protected should be a priority.

However I wold argue that if she's old enough to go on the pill, she's old enough to make and attend the Dr's appointment on her own. I wouldn't be taking her.

DianaMemorialJam Mon 20-Feb-17 17:55:29

You sound extremely strict. Why let her even have a boyfriend if they have to be 'strictly supervised' and can't even kiss?! Weird.

GummyBunting Mon 20-Feb-17 17:55:33

Ah cross post. Not sure at just turned 15.

greenwool Mon 20-Feb-17 17:57:32

I have no problem with them kissing at all. That bit didn't come from me - it's dd2 who told me they'd never kissed, and I don't believe that for a second.

They've been strictly supervised up until now because that's the responsibile thing to do, given that they started going out when dd2 had just turned 14 and the boy was still 13. That isn't 'weird' at all.

greenwool Mon 20-Feb-17 17:58:00

If I tell her she has to go to the GP on her own, she simply won't go. She has severe anxiety.

Isadora2007 Mon 20-Feb-17 17:58:35

Not sure what a SH issue is? Do you believe her to be capable of consenting to sex? That's the main issue here. And if not then you need to do something.
I think it really sad you can't be honest with her and wonder how on earth she will ever learn to be honest with you?
It sounds a little like a cop out to me.

greenwool Mon 20-Feb-17 17:59:31

SH, unfortunately, stands for self harm. She cuts her arms when upset. Things that upset her involve what other people might call 'honest conversations' sad.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 20-Feb-17 18:00:09

My ds is 15 and gf is 16. In my mind I didn't think they had the opportunity to have had sex but he tells me she has been on the pill for a year with her dm agreement. If they want to find a chance to have sex they will. So is it the dr or ante natal you would prefer to attend??

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter Mon 20-Feb-17 18:00:26

At 15 I'd allow her to go on the pill tbh, I'd rather that than a teenage pregnancy. I also think her asking to go on some form on contraception is very sensible of her and it's good she felt she could ask you for help with this.

I did go on the pill myself around 15 after a chat with Mum about protecting myself from pregnancy and about the reason form condoms & STI etc but I wasn't out having sex with a load of boys because I was on the pill I infact didn't have sex until 19

greenwool Mon 20-Feb-17 18:01:22

Just to clarify - I agree with Gummy that protecting her is the priority. But I suppose her MH issues are more relevant than I thought, in that I can't just say: 'oh, come on. I KNOW you're having sex! Let's be honest and we'll get you the Pill.'

MuffinMaiden Mon 20-Feb-17 18:01:36

I know of someone who got their 14 year old daughter the implant and it was definitely for contraceptive reasons. I think if you're under 16 a parent has to be informed of these things, but I don't think it's illegal. It's more important that she's safe.

It's often embarrassment around discussing sex and contraception that causes unwanted pregnancies, and I know this from experience.

DearMrDilkington Mon 20-Feb-17 18:01:40

I'd let her have the pill personally. It's her body so it should be her choice.

EnFlique Mon 20-Feb-17 18:02:20

Take her to the GP and make sure she understands how to use it properly.
Surely her being sexually active and using contraception is preferable to everyone pretending she's not and ending up with an unplanned pregnancy?

greenwool Mon 20-Feb-17 18:03:12

'is it the dr or ante natal you would prefer to attend'

Also to be clear - I'd be very happy to have her taking the Pill. Delighted, in fact, as it would protect her from pregnancy. I'm only wondering how best to go about it, with a vulnerable teen who won't admit to me why she wants it.

Funnyonion17 Mon 20-Feb-17 18:05:52

Be careful with any form of hormonal contraception if she has MH issues. I suffered badly as a late teen and the pill, injection sent my anxiety through the roof. I know plenty of people do fine on them, but maybe keep a close eye incase.

But yes she's obviously embarrassed but sexually active. You can't do anymore to stop them but if you gradually talk about things she should slowly stop over reacting and might discuss things eventually. I was that anxious I hid my periods for 4 months, some kids are more sensitive with transitions around that age.

Crumbs1 Mon 20-Feb-17 18:05:52

Two of mine went on pill at 14 for period pain. It wasn't a big deal. Neither actually had sex until over 18 as happens. Better contraception than termination.

greenwool Mon 20-Feb-17 18:06:07

I really don't think people are reading my OP properly, or more likely I haven't expressed myself well.

I have NO problem with my dd2 going on the Pill. I'm not going to stop her from doing that. I would prefer her not to have sex underage but we live in the real world. I would very much like to have mutual honesty between dd2 and myself on this subject, but she is vulnerable and tbh after long experience of her extreme reactions to anything she perceives as 'confrontation' I don't feel able to press that issue. I'd prefer to have her protected from pregnancy whilst avoiding the blow-up she'd be liable to have by my saying I know perfectly well she is having/contemplating having sex.

Crumbs1 Mon 20-Feb-17 18:06:53

Yes GP will be happy to prescribe but may want to discuss other contraceptive options as well.

greenwool Mon 20-Feb-17 18:07:14

Funnyonion, that's another thing that concerns me. I've noticed a slightly cyclical element to her anxiety. But anything other than the Pill and we'd have to come right out and say what it was for, and I don't think she's prepared to do that.

Isadora2007 Mon 20-Feb-17 18:08:22

Text her? Write it down? Why is Ann honest discussion going to trigger self harm if you can see her viewpoint of being on the Pill as a sensible option for either period pain or for contraception. It's a matter of honesty which is vital to me as part of a parent-child/teen/adult relationship. It's about respect which includes seeing things from each other's point of view and admitting we as parents aren't always right.
it does sound like you're a little uptight about things which indicates quite a high level of control... and this is her life and her body. Does she feel like you respect that? Or that you'd ground her if you knew?
What were your early sexual experiences like? Could you be honest with her about some things and then she may in turn feel more able to talk.
What if the gp suggests other tablets or antibiotics for her acne? Dd(16) has had very heavy yucky periods and acne. She got tablets for bleeding and antibiotics. The pill has never been mentioned.

RyanStartedTheFire Mon 20-Feb-17 18:09:14

Not you Green I've got you loud and clear, others aren't reading the thread fully. You sound like a great Mum by the way. I would say that you will support her going on the pill for contraception, maybe phrase it as a sideline and just let her know it's okay to come to you with whatever, you won't judge or disagree with her decisions.

HattiesBackpack Mon 20-Feb-17 18:09:48

Could you maybe excuse yourself during the dr appointment - give her 5 minutes on her own?

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