How can I help my daughter cope when I go away

[Mrsgandyb]

Hi sorry I have been on mumdnet before but it's so long ago I had to set new account . I have 2 children and one is away at college . My husband works all the time and never helped with the children and as a result he never built a bond with them. I used to go away once a year with my friends and I stopped for a couple of years as my parents died and they used to help out. I went away last year for one night spa break and my then15 year old daughter made my life hell. Texting me , calling me and telling me I could never leave her again . Now I have opportunity to go away to a hen for 2 nights in April . I really want to go and my friend told me under jo circumstances give in to her . I want to start preparing her for this so really any tips from anyone who has had similar problems . My daughter is a good kid mostly , can be moody like all teens . Her biggest problem is being left with her dad because he frankly will expect her to do everything . Only thing is he will be working so she might be ok . I feel I need to go if only to get her to stand on her own feet plus I could really do with a break . Thanks

[BoboChic]

Can your DD not go and stay with a friend?

[Seeline]

It sounds as though you need to sort her dad out as much as her!

Leave some meals in the freezer if cooking is really going to be a problem, but honestly at 16 and grown adult, they ought to be able to survive for a couple of days!!

What else is your DH going to expect her to do?!

[MrsJayy]

Her dad aside as i would rant I would get her to arrange to stay with a friend for a few nights go to the hen do and only switch your phone on a few times a day and go if she goes somewhere you know she will be ok she will be ok. Dont feel guilty

[Mrsgandyb]

Cooking not really a problem as she good cook and will feed herself well . She is a real home bird but yes not a bad idea to suggest she goes to friend or her aunt . If I give her choice then she can't make too much of a fuss . She is really attached to me . We live pretty rural so we do lots together.

Yes her dad needs sorting out but tbh that another story. Thanks for advice so far . Sometimes it's just good to voice the thoughts

[OneWithTheForce]

What did she struggle with the last time?

[MockTurtleSoup]

Don't take your phone with you.

[MrsJayy]

The closeness you have with her is lovely but she seems too dependent and doesn't want you away from her which must be suffocating for you if you arrange her to stay with whoever first then your Dd won't panic about you going away hopefully, and when you are away text her when you have your phone on you iyswim

[InTheKitchenAtParties]

It's 2 nights? She's 16?

[Fingalswave]

It depends if she is genuinely anxious and scared about you going away (in which case you need to put strategies in place that v gradually build up her confidence and independence,) Then negotiate some sort of agreement over contact with you while you are away and put agreed procedures in place in case of emergencies so that she feels she has some control over the situation..

If she is just protesting because it is an inconvenience to her, then perhaps you could compromise over staying with her dad, perhaps taking a friend with her, or rewarding with a treat afterwards.

It seems strange at 15 years that she should be quite so desperate about you going away though. Are you sure there isn't anything else going?

Trying to isolate the specific underlying reasons for this would be my priority in your shoes and then act accordingly.

Hope you manage to get away as it would be good for your DD to see that you have a life of your own.

[BackforGood]

It does seem like this would be an absolute non issue for most 15 yr olds, so can you explain what it is she won't cope with, a little more ?

[NapQueen]

I honestly don't know how you've got to two teenage kids and not sorted stuff out with dh. He has basically been allowed to opt wholly out of the family for all this time?

Why haven't you either left him or demanded change a decade ago??

[Floggingmolly]

16?? Your DH's remote, detached presence in the household seems to be affecting all of you. How awful to live like that

[AQuietMind]

This sounds extreme behaviour for a 16 year old. Is she scared of her Dad, is he violent?

[Mrsgandyb]

No he is not violent just wrapped up in his own working world . I am working on putting plans in place to leave as I don't want to be sitting alone every night . My son is completely different, he would never have cared if I went away just happy go lucky. Think dd main issue is dad did not spend time with her and also we have seen a lot of death in the family in close succession (my parents and she has a school pal who parents died)

Backforgood she just seems overly anxious when I'm gone , and if I tell her in advance she will just go on about it . I know I need to go and make her stand on own two feet . It might not be as bad as I imagine as it's been a while now and she bit older .
I think I mentioned I loved rural so shevis perhaps a bit isolated when I'm not around and she is not driving yet . She is a home bird definitely but I will chat with her about going to sister or friend .

thsnks again all

[Mrsgandyb]

Sorry about bad typing

[Mrsgandyb]

Flogginmolly I agree with you btw and I have only really realised how bad he is in last year or two .

[WankersHacksandThieves]

Could she ask a friend over to stay instead of going to theirs? That might be easier to arrange and they will probably spend the entire time in her bedroom so dealing with remote dad shouldn't be an issue.

Then you could set up specific times when you will call or text her so she knows that you are safe and contactable in an emergency. Don't make these times when you are likely to be drinking and might forget :)

[Mrsgandyb]

Good plan too wankershackandthieves . I have some good ideas there