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DD not fitting in(10 Posts)
We moved our DD schools last June as she was being bullied through no fault of her own (she spoke to one of her friends ex boyfriends, pathetic I know!) and it went on for 6 months. School made it 10x worse and her education suffered as a result as they failed to help her properly.
She's settled remarkably well at her new school, her grades are fab and she's had no issues whatsoever. She's super friendly so gets on with everyone she meets.
But I'm concerned as she doesn't seem to know where she really fits in. Just recently she's been hanging around with a crowd who are doing well at school and I thought brill! Just the type of girls my daughter needs in her life.
The problem is though, she's nothing like them. The differences being that my daughter is outgoing and likes to go places but they aren't allowed. For example they have to be in no later than 5pm and at weekends they all work or stay home. Which isn't a bad thing at all but I'm a firm believer in kids being allowed to be kids and going places with their friends, meeting new people etc.
Just recently she's been complaining that she's bored as she's forever stuck in the house and that she's got nobody to go out with. She has said that these group of girls 'aren't for her' . She wants to do well at school but she's missing the social side of life too and it's really worrying me.
On the flip side, she has friends who DO go out but they're all drinking, smoking, having sex etc. They are allowed out til all hours, getting excluded from school. So she doesn't want to go out with them (can't blame her!) as she doesn't want to go down that route.
She's finding it a struggle to get the balance right and meet people who are like her. She's moving from one group to another then another and while she has got friends, non of them seem to have the same mind set as her and I'm scared she'll end up lonely
It's hard enough these days to fit in and she's floating between friendship groups all the time. I know she'll find friends like her eventually but she's not putting herself out there. People have asked her to go out and she's said no for one reason or another. She said she doesn't want to hang around with Joe bloggs because they do this and that but at the same time she's complaining she's completely bored out of her brains. Her Dad and I told her she needs to go out at some point as if she keeps turning folk down then they'll stop asking.
What do I do?
Any advice appreciated. Thank you.
Just to add, I'm not strict but I don't take any nonsense either. I punish her if needs be, she knows she has to be at certain times etc but I don't keep her under lock and key either. Firm but fair. I want her to go out and have fun just as much as I want her to do well at school if that makes sense?
Could the girls come over to yours at the weekend? Also how old is she? What about an activity she enjoys that she could do outside of school. I hated school and didn't fit in at all. Would it reassure her that not everyone makes great friends at school and that it's a short time in her life but I'd definitely be trying to get the girls she seems to like round. Maybe speak to their parents.
Activities outside school? Both DS (a year older than your DD) and DD (a year younger) have 1 'main' extra-curricular activity, where they meet up with loads of like-minded friends.
They've come at this via different routes - DD has always done this activity, she has grown up with the group who does it with her and in fact they are her closest friendship group. OTOH DS has until recently done a portfolio of different things with a range of different groups who he has known more casually, and has only just this last year or so really settled into 1 activity with 1 particular friendship group. If your DD is currently not doing anything, then starting off with several low-key things and seeing what she ends up liking might be the way forward. Does she do any clubs at school that could give you some pointers as to possible avenues to explore?
She has friends and seems quite good at making them so I don't think you have anything to worry about. She clearly knows her own mind and should be applauded for her maturity in avoiding the 'trouble' kids. Perhaps encourage her take up a hobby or some sport to meet other people who may fit better.
Ive posted this thread twice as it said my first attempt hadn't worked...Sorry, just realised!
She was going to the gym about 3 times a week with a girl in her group but now shes grounded and DD has nobody else to go with either because they aren't allowed or they don't want to.
One girl was allowed out more than the others. Her parents werent strict and she was very similar to my daughter, they went all over together and she was allowed to stay out etc but she knew how to avoid the idiots like my daughter does.
Unfortunately she has broken away from the group and hardly speaks to anyone after a fall out with another girl. My daughter misses her but she hardly talks to my daughter now either.
The others aren't allowed out of the village...Problem is they live about 5/6 miles and 3 villages away from us!
I asked one of the other mums if their daughter was allowed to stay over at ours and she just laughed at me! I didn't take offence as this is what's she's like with everyone who asks.
Definitely encourage her to develop her own interests. All the most interesting adults I know are the ones who, while at school, focused on what they were interested in and what they wanted to do, rather than fitting in. Maybe they didn't leave high school with a "gang" of friends, but they were far more confident about who they were when confronted with masses of people at uni/in the world . incidentally they all went on to have wild social lives & interesting careers. The people who stayed attached to a romanticised group of school friends went on to have perfectly pleasant but pretty mundane lives. Fifteen is so young, your daughter has it all to come & it sounds like she has the right idea. Don't get too hung up on whether she has a tight set of buddies on her behalf - in a few years' time this will matter not one jot. What will matter is whether she knows to stand up for what she believes in, what interests her, and what she would like to do (not necessarily job wise, just what she enjoys). The friends etc will naturally follow.
Well after a really good heart to heart with DD she's finally found a couple of girls who shes really comfortable with and who share the same interests ( they go to the gym, are doing well at school but like to get out there and meet new people!) She's currently at one of their houses after sleeping over last night, they went out and met up with some others last night and are off to town today! She also got a B+ in her year 10 mock science test. I'm so proud of her. I hope now that things start to fall into place for her.