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Teenage daughter not fitting in!

(10 Posts)
Lanny81 Thu 09-Feb-17 11:44:39

Morning all!
Last year my daughter got bullied at school through no fault of her own. It was all because she spoke to one of her friends ex boyfriends (yes, pathetic I know!) It went on for 6 months, school were useless in helping her and made things 10x worse so we moved her schools. She's settled extremely well, her grades are fab, but what's worrying me is the fact that she seems to move around different groups of girls all the time and different friends. She's super friendly so gets on with everyone but it seems like she doesn't quite know where she fits in. Just recently, she's been hanging around with a group of girls who are doing well at school etc and I thought ooh great, just the type of girls that my daughter needs to be friends with. But the thing is, my daughter isn't like them. Yes she's doing well and I'm so proud of her but their parents are strict, they pick their friends for them, get grounded for daft stuff etc. My daughter is really outgoing and likes to go out places. She's complained numerous times about being stuck in the house recently as none of these girls are allowed out past 5pm...She misses the fun times she had with her old friends but they're all drinking and taking drugs now, getting excluded from school etc so she doesn't want to go down that route and I wouldn't let her anyway.Shes very independent, says it how it is, doesn't take any rubbish from anyone and stands up for what she believes in. She's got a good head on her shoulders. But she's stuck ATM because she hasn't got the right balance if you know what I mean?. She wants friends who are like her, independent, outgoing and are allowed to do stuff out of school but she's not wanting to hang around with people who are allowed out til 11pm on a school night and who are drinking, sleeping about and smoking etc. I'm sure she'll find mates like her eventually but she's 15 now and I don't want her spending the rest of her school life floating between different groups trying to find somewhere to fit in.
Any advice would be appreciated as it upsets me seeing her like this. Xx

gillybeanz Thu 09-Feb-17 11:52:57

Hi, she sounds really good to me, honestly.
I only have experience of boys at this age as my dd is only just 13.
However, I found that being the strict parent paid off in the end, maybe not what you wanted to hear.
For us it was the less strict parents who didn't ground their dc who ended up taking drugs, smoking, underage drinking and sex.
If they are out/ hanging around streets there is far more peer pressure to do these things. It isn't necessarily staying out until 11.00pm that's the problem, they can be doing these things at 7.30pm.
The fact she is friendly with many groups is fine and again in my recent experience with dd far less likely for them to get involved with all the dramas and be far less intense friendships.
I don't know what the answer is tbh, but I always tell my lot that the friends/ peers from school they'll probably have nothing to do with after leaving school. Itcan put the anxious times into perspective for them.

Lanny81 Thu 09-Feb-17 12:35:32

Thanks for your reply...
I know what you mean about people who don't ground their kids...She was hanging around with a group who's parents did not care what their children did at one point and would take the Mick out of my DD for having to be in earlier than them etc. And yes, it was this group that have now started drinking, drugs etc.
She's told me that she wants to be with people like her...Who do well at school but still have a social life at the same time. But they go from one extreme to the other. One group are complete toerags, the others aren't allowed out or don't want to go out.
Her older friend told her she had the same dilemma and it took her until half way through year 10 ( my DD is in year 10) before she really found that click with people. So fingers crossed it won't be long until she finds her feet.
The kids who bullied her knocked her confidence though slightly although she has bounced back 10x stronger bless her.
It's hard at this age, it really is. I'm not slating strict parents or "boring kids" but I'm just sick of seeing her mooching around the house complaining she's going out of her mind with boredom.
She's a fun loving lass who wants to do well but just can't seem to find her feet xx

xStefx Thu 09-Feb-17 12:50:32

Hello, your DD sounds like a lovely girl, im sorry she had to go through bullying its an awful experience.

She only has a few more years of school left before she goes off to college/ uni or work and meets a whole new world of all different people. Has she any hobbies or interests that would enable her to mix with teens like her in the meantime? e.g dancing or gymnastics.

Hope you manage to sort it OP, I remember how hard it is being that age.

Lanny81 Thu 09-Feb-17 12:57:27

She was really close to a girl in her friendshio group and they did allsorts together, went all over meeting new people but this girl has broken away from the group and has hardly spoken to any of them since including my daughter. She was allowed out and to stay at ours etc. My daughter misses her.
The others aren't allowed out of their village and we live about 5 miles and 3 villages away! She's really into fitness and was going to the gym 3 times a weeks at least with one of the other girls but now she's grounded and nobody else will/is allowed go with her.
I've asked one of their parents if they can come over/stay at ours one night and the mother just laughed at me!

Lanny81 Thu 09-Feb-17 13:01:52

And I'm very proud of her for knowing her own mind bless her. She's a strong independent young lady and won't take nonesnse from anyone!
She speaks up for what she believes in and is honest and to the point.
She's got no time for idiots either!
I'm thankful to the bullies in a way, as daft as that may sound, because they've only made her stringer and wiser xx

xStefx Thu 09-Feb-17 13:37:07

She sounds like she has a lovely mother too. Don't worry OP, as you said she has a good head on her shoulders. She will find her way xx

Floggingmolly Thu 09-Feb-17 13:43:34

She's 15. Maybe keep the "fun times" for the weekends for a couple more years...

gillybeanz Thu 09-Feb-17 13:46:59

I think she will find her own way too, but maybe just for the moment until she does, maybe encourage the friendships where they don't go out much, maybe choose one of them that will go out occasionally.
The other thing, does she have an interest where she could meet like minded people at a club, society, or activity, perhaps.

My dd is the type not to want to go out with friends just for the sake of going out, but is quite up for something organised like a shopping trip on a saturday, or cinema/ theatre.

misshelena Thu 09-Feb-17 16:28:22

Is her school really small? I find it hard to believe that she can't find anyone closer to her wavelength if it's fairly sizable. Or a bunch of kids who fill different parts of her needs?

My DD16 has several friends she studies with, who, like DD, are in the top 5% scorers of her grade. She sees these friends when they are working on group projects or occasionally, mall outings. She has another set of friends who are on the "party circuit", who know where the parties are. DD doesn't party often, but sometimes will ask to be taken to one of those parties (where they get drunk and make out with random boys!) And then there are friends from her HS varsity team and club team. Her boyfriend is part of these groups, so she spends a lot of free time with these kids. Her HS is huge though, about 2.5K kids, so she has lots of options.

I think sometimes kids this age think they can't be closer to one kid out of a group, they think that they have to be friends with the whole group. It's not true, several of my DD's friends are part of other friend groups. It can be done but requires a bit more confidence and maturity. Maybe encourage your dd to explore this?

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