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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

16 year old and 38 year old man

15 replies

Feduptakenforamug · 06/02/2017 12:56

After some advice please as I am so stressed.

Family info:
Mum - Me
4 original children - Eric, Fred (16), Tom, Dave.
Their dad - Geoff
1 new child - Bill.
His dad - Ben.

Bit of background info:-Geoff and myself split up around 6 years ago due to violence. Shortly after, I started seeing Ben and fell pregnant with Bill. I have had a relationship of sorts with Ben for the past 6 years where we have been on many many days out, evenings out, alone and with all children, weekends away, holidays too.
Here goes...Fred who is now 16, moved out of the home she shared with me and her siblings to go and live with her dad Geoff a couple of years ago. She was unhappy there so moved back with me last summer. Before Fred moved out to live with her dad, we lived in a house that was ok for space but due to her moving, we had to move too due to the decrease in benefits (I saw being on benefits and leaving my husband as a better option than living in violence) so 3 of Fred's siblings and I moved to a much smaller house which was suitable for just us 4. Anyway, Fred moved back in with me and traded her own space for family life as like I've said, our house is pretty small.
Ben has been in our lives since Fred was 10.
2 years ago, mine and Ben's 'relationship' suddenly stopped (not from me wanting it to stop and don't know why it did, and we have still been going on days out, weekends away, holiday etc just not the extra part of the relationship). Without giving detail or reasons to this part, Ben got a flat a couple of miles away, Bill would go and stay at weekends and during holidays when Ben was at the flat (sort of lives in two different places) but would want Fred to go with him as he had never had Bill on his own without the help of his parents (Bill was 4 at this point and Fred 15). Fred turned 16 not too long after and we have been falling out about this so much. She insists she's staying with Ben at the flat whether Bill is there or not. It infuriates me as it isn't right and Ben is 38!! She rarely comes home, I've tried talking to her about it, I've tried talking to him about it and the information I get back from Bill (who is 5 and incredibly clever) that his dad and Fred sleep in the same bed!! I don't know what to do. He keeps telling her she can do what she likes but that's undermining me as I am her mum and I keep telling her she needs to come home. It's causing so much stress!

OP posts:

Report

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2017 13:05

Ok , so basically you think your sixteen year old daughter is having a sexual relationship with your 38 year old ex boyfriend, and potentially this started before she was sixteen, which would be rape, and why he ended the relationship with uou, but have no proof.

Have you spoken to him about it? What did he say?

WomanWithAltitude · 06/02/2017 13:10

So you allowed your child to go and live with her dad, knowing that he was violent and abusive?

And then your new partner has turned out to be abusive too? (He has clearly groomed and sexually abused her)

I don't know what advice to offer about her, but please, for yourself and your other kids, do the Freedom programme.

WomanWithAltitude · 06/02/2017 13:11

I'd be reporting the new partner to the police as a minimum btw.

Don't challenge him yourself and give him the opportunity to delete incriminating messages etc. He will have been grooming her for a while, and the police will find the evidence.

Feduptakenforamug · 06/02/2017 13:13

I've spoken to him many times and her too and both insist nothing is or has ever been going on which the rational part of my brain believes. She keeps telling me that she sees him as a close friend. She has issues with her dad and issues with myself. She hasn't spoken to her dad for around a year. I don't even know what to say to you as my head is so boggled by it all. Deep down I don't believe that is happenjng, no. I just want her to stop the defiance and see it doesn't look right in anyone's book. She is isally a very sensible girl who wouldn't take risks and moans like hell when her peers are talking about their latest conquests. Maybe I'm thick

OP posts:

SecondsLeft · 06/02/2017 13:13

Raise your concerns with childrens social care on the duty number published on your local councils website.

Owllady · 06/02/2017 13:16

Surely this is abuse? :(

LIZS · 06/02/2017 13:16

So he is her stepdad? And you think they are sleeping together while your youngest is staying? Presumably SS and/or courts were involved in the abusive situation and access arrangements so you should go back to ask for advice on this.

LIZS · 06/02/2017 13:18

Re-reading do you think Ben's relationship with Fred is the reason for your relationship coming to an end ? Ie that he may have used you to groom her, and perhaps other dc.

FilledSoda · 06/02/2017 13:24

bloody hell op, I'm not sure what to advise but a chat with the police might be a good starting point .

WomanWithAltitude · 06/02/2017 13:30

"the rational part of your brain" believes them? Despite the fact that you have been reliably informed that they are sharing a bed? And the fact that he insisted that she come and stay with him when he saw her brother?

Please - report to police / SS and then do the Freedom Programme. Please.

WomanWithAltitude · 06/02/2017 13:33

There is no way on earth that a 16 year old girl would be sharing a bed with a 38 year old man if nothing was going on. 16 year olds want space and privacy, not friendly sleepovers in their stepdad's bed. She's been groomed by him OP, open your eyes.

WomanWithAltitude · 06/02/2017 13:35

He keeps telling her she can do what she likes

^ This is grooming.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 06/02/2017 13:45

In nobody's world is a 15/16 year old girl sharing a bed with her 38 year old ex-stepfather right or normal.

If you haven't yet contacted the police and SS then "the rational part of your brain" is not working properly and does not think along the same lines as 99% of the general population.

WomanWithAltitude · 06/02/2017 13:53

Totally agree. OP - your boundaries and sense of what constitutes 'normal' is so off kilter it's scary. Please pay no attention to what you consider 'the rational part of your brain', because what it's telling you isn't rational.

These men have really done a number on you.

Iflyaway · 06/02/2017 15:03

I agree with all the previous posters.

But an aside. I hope you have not used real names because that is far too revealing.

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