Please help re teen relationship.(15 Posts)
I have been on MN before, but not for a very long time, but am struggling.
My son is 19 in two weeks, his girlfriend is 18 in June. I have a 14 year old daughter. There is just me, my ex walked out 8 years ago (yay) my son has MH problems and is out of work. His girlfriend work part time. She doesn't get on with her Mum and Dad, both of whom have new partners, and they don't really like my son. She likes being at my house as I am quiet and stable and I try to be just a basic decent person.
My marriage broke down as a result of DA. It has taken a very long time to establish some stability which I cherish.
The relationship between my son and his girlfriend is awful. Volatile, dramatic and exhausting. My son has admitted at times that he thinks she uses him because she like staying at my house (!). They regularly fall out about her flirting with other boys, are furiously jealous of each other, she is controlling and he is quite selfish in a lot of ways. They do have some lovely moments so I can't say that it is all bad., She spends a lot of her weekends at my house and I would like to have the occasional one where she doesn't. They wont go to any of the other adults houses... Not her Mum or Dad, or my son's father. She has also indicated that she would like to move in.
I recently asked for there to be a break from my son's girlfriend staying every weekend. I am exhausted for a number of reasons, I am going back to not enjoying being at home at weekends because of the atmosphere, and I just think I should be able to ask that. However they have both gone mad, I am being accused of jeopardising their relationship, that they can only work things out if they are together at mine at weekends. My son has raged at me, sworn, made threats about his personal safety, that if they split up it will be my fault......
I actually just don't know what to do.
I am incredibly quiet. Value calm and peace, as does my daughter.
It has become an emotional roller-coaster of them fighting, making up, sulking, drama. I am ill and yet still work incredibly hard, so to want an occasional weekend free doesn't seem excessive. I have always generally tried to ensure that the home is 'ours' so my son feels he has the right to invite her every weekend. That I am being selfish.
I try to be supportive of their relationship despite the fact that I worry about it. The other parents involved just won't have much to do with them as a couple. They don't buy my son presents where I buy his girlfriend for b'days etc, and get bits of food in that she likes. I have tried SO hard to be the adult. Last weekend they argued a lot and then had huge explosive rows which my son can't handle early in the week, and now it is the weekend -- I asked earlier in the week for a one night stay only, however the lass has invited herself for two days, which he has agreed to and when I pointed out what had been agreed earlier in the week he had a huge meltdown. The first night that she gets to our house is fine and then it slowly descends into squabbling and atmospheres.
There is so much else behind the story with my son's MH issues but I don't want to overload or drip feed.
Because he is 19 somehow do I lose the right to define certain boundaries? I feel like I am not allowed to say I need this break.
If you can't get a break IN the house can you go out with your daughter? No need to cook for them or help them out in any way. They are adults, though they are behaving like children.
I have done a little bit. However I am fairly quiet and like to be at home working on projects. They are there every weekend, all I wanted was the odd free weekend. I really do try to be supportive but it does feel sometimes that I am being used.
You sound like you have the patience of a saint.
I think you need to tell your son a few home truths. He needs to respect your home or find somewhere else to entertain his girlfriend. They sound exhausing.
Well, if he doesn't like the house rules, perhaps he should look at moving out? You are not being unreasonable and they are.
Would it be sensible to have a think about your house ground rules, such as we don't shout etc, these probably apply irrespective of whether you are living with just a partner with toddlers, teenagers or adults.
I think you then need to have a calm and rational discussion with your son and probably daughter about 'how you live' and that whilst they are welcome to invite friends over, that the same basic conditions still apply (maybe using the words rules isn't appropriate for a 18/19 year old but there needs to be a way for everyone to get on) so if they fall out and there is shouting she has to go? I think i would add respecting property and hitting to the list, there are probably more?
I see you're a very caring person, However there really is no need to accept your son abusing your boundaries or indeed abusing his GF.
Do you really want to be a victim of DA again? Because I think that's what your son is subjecting you to.
I would give him one more chance to abide by your rules then I would ask him to go and support him in finding a room to rent somewhere
I suppose I had reached the point where I wanted a break because the house 'rules' don't get respected, I did try to have a 'reasonable' discussion, or I thought, but they just have this cycle of argue, break up, make up.
This is an aside but my cats usually wind up hiding under my bed.
I have been told their relationship won't work unless they can stay every weekend. I have tried to stay 'out' of their relationship but it is hard. Seeing him break down on a Monday because she has dumped him again insulted him, called him names, go through the week patching things up and then want to stay the weekend gets frustrating. They are not particularly good for each other. Have both threatened self harm... it just goes on and on.
Because of his mental health issues he can ring me up to 20 times day, especially when they are falling out, I am advised to be available when he has a crisis. (I am self employed). So sometimes by the weekend I feel tired and in need of a quiet potter.
I wish sometimes that the other parents had them occasionally as well. They won't go to either of the Father's houses and his girlfriends Mum evicts him at 9.30!
I would be questioning whether your son is receiving the correct treatment for his condition if he needs to call you 20 times per day.
MH issues do not cause abuse
I actually agree quitelikely..... however the abuse comes from both of them. His girlfriend uses jealousy to manipulate him, he is terrified she will dump him forever, she plays mind games with him and he gets screwed up. She dumps him and then invites his sister out to have her nails done... It really is a very unhealthy relationship on both sides.
If I have said one night at a weekend in the past she has created a scene. Then he begs and begs. (I don't change my mind, I won't give in)
It is sad that she doesn't seem to want to be at home but I can't, like you say, allow an abusive situation to build up at home again for any of us.
It is helping talking it through.... thank you.
No , he is not getting the right treatment yet, and I am constantly aware of whether his behaviour reflects abuse.
However they are both really guilty.
I don't want to go into detail of incidents on her side as well where I have been horrified. They are bad for each other and yet I make their choices where the relationship is concerned.
I just want to make a choice not to let it seep into my home life
sorry **yet I CAN'T make their choices where their relationship is concerned.
Why do they think that spending time together equals being in the house?
Why can't they go out for walks etc?
They are gradually pushing you out of your house and that is it right. If their relationship is going to stand any chance of lasting then it is up to them to build a strong foudation and that does not mean her imposing herself on you
Frances.. in that instance it is a conflict of interests. My son's idea of spending time together would be a walk... seeing other friends, he would love it if she cycled but she doesn't like it. (more than fair enough) - her preferences are that they stay in, watch telly and just sit about snap-chatting. He does spend much of the weekend making her drinks and food, and getting a bit stir crazy. In that sense he dotes on her. They mostly watch her choice of films.... Disney etc as she doesn't like his choices.
He runs her baths etc... She likes being pampered.
He is geeky, not fashionable, zero confidence.
From what they both have said, she likes it here because there isn't really any drinking, and I am just a quiet, slightly daft soul. One of the reasons her family don't like my son is because he doesn't drink... they have taken the 'p' out of him on Facebook etc and said he isn't a proper man. So, he doesn't like it there, understandably, and she wants to move in here.
Its like a soap opera though . I really cant stand the drama.
They have both apologised now. Which is something.
Ugh you poor OP. I don't really have advise for you though. But I know what you mean about the constant drama. DD16 and bf of a year also fight constantly. Every time they fight, I get anxious. I want them to break up but at the same time I dread the drama and sadness that will follow and worry about how they will cope. And these are perfectly normal happy kids in a loving albeit full of drama relationship. I can't imagine how much more anxious I'd feel if DD had MH issues and is involved with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive. And you have to witness that every single day! Can't even get one day to be free of such drama!
I think you need to insist that they give you that one day a week to have the house to yourself. If they want to continue to live there, they have to find somewhere to be for that one day. It is not too much to ask at all. Tell them you just can't cope anymore. Be a toughy just this once! Know that they won't be hurt in any way or form to have to vacate one single day out of the week.
I hope DS gets better after he starts treatment.
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