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Lazy, disrespectful, depressed, pot smoking son. Time to move out?(34 Posts)
Firstly, my youngest son will be 22 in May so not a teenager. He has no motivation, is totally nocturnal, only bothered about smoking weed and seeing his mates. I'm a light sleeper and he keeps me awake all night wandering about, coughing, cooking chips, going in and out of the house to smoke. I suffer from depression and thyroid issues, am losing so much weight and feel so ill. The rows with my husband over our son have torn us apart and brought us close to divorce. I have been piggy in the middle trying to sugar coat the exchanges between them and protect my son and my husband from the other. It is utterly unbearable. Finally, I think I have come to realise that the answer may be to kick my son out. When he's away with friends, I can sleep at night, and get on so much better with my husband. We also have our older son at home who's doing a masters degree and he is so helpful, behaves beautifully. I am worried that if we tell our youngest to leave, he will be on the streets. He's had a couple of jobs but been sacked from them. He's on JSA and pays us £35 a week for his keep plus £6 for his part on the car insurance (we have paid for lots of lessons but he still won't take his test. The car is his as soon as he passes), but he resents paying this. WWYD?
I wouldn't be letting him have use of the car that's for sure!
Difficult one. What else do you pay for?
He'd be out the door if he was mine!
I put up with the usual teenage crap from all mine but absolutely no pot in my house and by 22 they were grown ups and working.
Stop enabling him and boot him out.
Have you tired talking to him about how it makes you feel? You are not asking a lot if he's sharing the house with 3 other adults who need to sleep not to be in out of house smoking , walking around and cooking all night. It's not unreasonable to ask Him to inhabit day light hours and try keep noise down to minimum after a certain time.
Then if he's not willing to see that it's his lose, he can try find his own grotty room to rent on housing benefit and then trying living with a house full of people doing their own thing if he wants to do whatever he wants when he wants it.
We pay for his mobile phone. The car is only so I can give him lessons, but my nerves have been too bad for that.
Thanks. That's what my husband has thought for a few years now.
If he's on JSA he must be applying for certain amount of jobs and proving how much he is doing over a week. Fine are the days of saying apply for 2 jobs a week you are expected to put in a good 30-40h week in a job search. How long has he be on it? Since uni or longer?
he can try find his own grotty room to rent on housing benefit he won't get housing benefit unless you formally evict him, as I understand it.
I would use the phone as leverage . Pull your socks up or were cancelling the phone. I know he's 22 but he's acting like a teen so treat him like one. Not sure about booting him out,he could end up on the streets. Is he smoking weed at home?
I have told him many times that his behaviour is causing us marital problems and me so much stress. He doesn't get why. My husband had a really good chat with him last Saturday night. Got him to agree to go to his room by 11 pm and be up by 10 am and start helping around the house. But then he went to his mates for 4 nights and since then he came back and has been in bed. Still won't get up at almost 6pm! Has shut himself in the bedroom in the annex so we can't get in.
The car is his as soon as he passes
Stop that right there. Stop indulging him. That's giving him no incentive.
Cos he knows mummy and daddy will take care of him.
Some kids are great - as you mention, your other one - and some are lazy self-entitled twats. Just as people.
You have a couple of years to turn this around, unless you still want him like this in his 40's. And believe me, lots of men like that still living at home like an overgrown teenager. And then what when you are no longer around if they haven't learnt to take responsibility for themselves.
Oh, and take away the key to the annex, whatever that is.
He's only been on it for 6 weeks. He held down a job for two years before getting sacked from it. By the end the boss would come out and chat with me saying they were at their wits end with him. I drove him to and from his job which was a chef so unsocial hours (after 11 pm) despite having to get up at the crack of dawn in the morning for my own job. I then drove him backwards and forwards to his next job which only lasted 3 months before he was sacked. Now he's on JSA. Says he's applying for jobs, but he looks like a zombie so I don't think he has much hope of getting one.
You're enabling him OP.
TBH the car was more to release me from the unsustainable duty of driving him to and fro from his job. We live in the middle of nowhere so no buses. No footpath either.
As soon as he comes out of the annex I will go and get the key, lock it and hide the key, then he has to stay in the house. Just waiting for husband to get home to decide what to do next.
Thanks. Yes he is. Sometimes the whole house smells of it. He doesn't smoke in the house but just walking in with it in his bag stinks the place out.
My main worry is that he could be suicidal. He used to self harm and his brother said he has said things which concern him about not wanting to be alive. I did take him to the doctors but nothing came of it. He's an adult and I can't make him have treatment.
Is he maybe going through something? Th that's exactly what I did went through a major depression and after just like that. So if this is relatively new he may need to see someone.
That's my worry, yes. I have an appointment at the GP on Monday and may change it for him to see GP.
That sounds like a plan OP.
Also try to catch him when he is reasonable and tell him that this can't go on. He needs to get a check up and to get away from his druggie friends. He can only be helped if willing to help himself, otherwise you may have to kick him out for your safety.
Forget the car, he will be a danger to himself and everyone else. And frying while stoned isn't genius either.
Finally got him into the house last night. He's stayed up all night in his room but is going to stay with friends again tonight so I guess his hours will be out of whack again. At least I have got him to agree to go to the GP on Monday. He just lacks all drive and motivation. I pointed out that being stoned does that to you. He says he hasn't had any for days but he refuses to give it up. His friends all have jobs, girlfriends and their own place. He has none of that. Yes, they smoke pot, but obviously they are still managing to function in the real world. I'm not sure what the doctor will be able to do, but it's a start...
It is indeed.
No shame if he is unwell, but it is unfair on you not to accept help.
And if he won't give up the saddo sticks then he has only himself to blame if you throw him out.