Help, what do I do?(1 Post)
Hi, I'm sorry if this is a long post but I want to avoid drip feeding. I am just looking for some fresh perspective as I just don't know what to do for the best. I have one DS and have been divorced for about 8 years. ExH was controlling and has a very strange relationship with his own DM, to the point where she enables some very wrong behaviour. ExH managed to avoid a prison sentence for fraud but rather than taking any responsibility, behaved as a victim and she has never forgiven me for not accepting his behaviour. He constantly lied to me throughout our marriage and, whilst unproven, am convinced he is actually gay but too scared to accept it, for fear of devestating his DM. Throughout all of this and the subsequent years, I have tried my best to maintain a relationship between DS and ExH even though, at times ExH has been emotionally and/or physically absent at times. He has always been happy to leave responsibility for DS to me, rather than taking it on himself, unless I push it onto him. I would be the first to admit that, as a result, I have tried to overcompensate a lot for what I feel are ExH's shortcomings. Home has always been with me, with him staying at ExHs 3 nights a week. We have always tried to be quite flexible about this, so that he didn't feel too restricted about spending time with each of us. ExH lives with his DM since she was widowed a few years ago. ExMiL is also very possessive of DS and has always tried to usurp me since his birth. After DS was born, ExH was a SAHD but she virtually took over, allowing ExH to get away with being less responsible than I would have liked. There was never any point in saying anything because neither of them ever accepts that their behaviour is not normal. Now DS has recently turned 16 and is struggling with GCSEs and failed every mock exam. By his own admission, he made no effort to pass them. I have told him not to worry so much as they aren't the real thing and he still has time to get on track. He is capable but seems to think he will never pass. I keep trying to tell him that it is better to try and fail than not try at all, but this seems to make him angry. He doesn't seem to understand that it is better to have choices in life than not and a few GCSEs could make a difference. Absence levels are high and there are instances of truancy. He is heavily into gaming and we have had the usual arguments that have involved me switching me off the wifi late at night and him getting angry because I am trying to be too controlling. He had started to spend a lot more time with ExH and ExMiL. ExH lets him get away with a lot more and would prefer to avoid enforcing boundaries, in a bid to be seen as the good guy. That being said, there is conflict there because ExH hates it when DS doesn't conform to what he wants. Until recently, DS has made comments about ExH sulking when he doesn't get his own way, is unreliable and doesn't deliver on his promises. A few weeks ago DS said he wanted to stay with them during the week because it is closer to school. Last week, we had a horrible row when he told me he hated me and didn't want to stay at home and called ExH to pick him up. In my anger/frustration, I told him to go to his father and he would soon find out what life would be like without a mother to support him. I'm not proud of this and if I could take the words back I would. Since then, DS had refused to talk / text and ExH says he doesn't want to live at home any more. ExH is now talking with student support at school but, it feels like he is just drip feeding me updates and saying things like "DS has deep rooted problems with you but he's not ready to talk". Today ExH and I had a falling out on text when I asked him to stop excluding me and just telling me snippets and asked him to respect the fact that I have always tried to keep their relationship on track even when I could have not. ExH feels that this was a low blow and says he had been trying to defend me to DS ever since the row. All I have ever done is try and provide stability for DS and want him to have a secure future but am scared that he may look back and see this as EA. I have sent several messages to DS to apologise for what I said and assure him that I am here when he is ready to talk. I don't want to overload him but am scared that he is being manipulated bu ExH and ExMiL to cause long term damage to our relationship. ExH told me today he is meeting school tomorrow, to try and set up a mediated session between DS and myself but after today, I can't see him fighting for it. Part of me thinks that ExH will soon get bored with the responsibility but I'm still scared of the damage he could do in the meantime. Also worrying is that DS now sees ExH as the lesser of two evils. All I want to do is hug my DS, to make things better because I can only imagine what turmoil he must be in and how vulnerable he is to being alienated from me more, just so that ExH can feel like he has 'won' 😥. Please be gentle with me but any constructive advice would be very welcome.
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