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My 13 year old dd has been having text sex

(19 Posts)
Coldntired Sat 21-Jan-17 20:52:23

With another girl from school?
Dd is 13 the girl is 14 .
I've suspected something was going on as the other girl asked my dd out in year 7 and dd said she didn't think of her in that way. However clearly things have changed and according to text messages they've been in a " relationship " for 2 months now.
Dd was texting another friend asking how to approach her to have her first kiss so in reality it hasn't gone far but by text it has! !!

I don't know what to do. Is she gay? Should I approach her? She is very well behaved and works hard at school but I feel like she's drifting away from me.
The sex texts are really explicit and it worries me she's putting herself out there!
Plus she's meant to be having a sleep over at this girls house in 2 weeks as she is going to her first concert and I'm now reluctant to let that happen. I wouldn't let her sleep at a boys house so what's the difference?
Is this just an all girls school faze? ?

123yourusername Sat 21-Jan-17 21:09:04

Isnt that normal at that age?

Coldntired Sat 21-Jan-17 21:18:23

Is it? Genuine question!

leggydisplay Sat 21-Jan-17 21:26:47

I don't know what to advise but I really wouldn't be comfortable with it either- regardless of the gender of the other person involved. 13 seems very young.

123yourusername Sat 21-Jan-17 22:12:09

I'm not sure.. I'm 50/50 here. I first had sex at 15 but some of my friends were 14.. so although at first look at this post I thought wow 13 is young I'm sure it's pretty common for at least them to start talk about even if they aren't 'doing'

LotsoNumbers Sat 21-Jan-17 22:23:11

If she's in a relationship with this girl and you wouldn't let a sleepover happen with a boy in the same circumstances I would stop it from going ahead

Greenfingeredfun Sat 21-Jan-17 22:31:48

I would be upfront that you have seen the texts. Awkward I know. But I think she needs to think about how she'd feel if she lost her phone at school and people saw the texts.. or her and the other girl fall out and the other girl shows people the texts out of spite. The fact she's a girl is irrelevant (let her know that) but sending explicit messages via text is dodgy ground. What next? Photos? She needs to understand the possible implications of this. Say you will be doing random phone checks from now on.

mathanxiety Sat 21-Jan-17 22:42:17

I would think it is far from normal, no matter what the sex of the partner.

Do you think your DD is a willing participant or is there any indication of being manipulated?

It's not safe to be doing something so private and personal on the phone (or online).

mathanxiety Sat 21-Jan-17 22:43:25

x-post a bit there

ShoutOutToMyEx Sat 21-Jan-17 22:50:48

I went to a girls school and hormones definitely heightened what were essentially close friendships. I never experienced it but I had lots of friends who did.

You tend to experiment with peers you feel safe with, at a girls school that tends to be other girls!

It doesn't sound like it's gone too far - was it texts about what they want to do to each other, or in general? You don't have to answer but to me that would help understand whether it's genuine sexual attraction to each other, or experimentation in the same vein as practicing kissing etc.

Coldntired Sun 22-Jan-17 09:59:05

Thank you for your replies.
I will be honest I went through her phone thread to this girl last night and it's mainly innocent. The sex texts seem to be a one off.
The main looooong whatsapp messages are declarations of love for each other, how they want to hug how much they love each other etc interspersed with homework revision!

Is she gay? Do I ask her?
I don't know what to do?
Apparently this girl has an alter ego with a male name and what they have is a " husband and wife " thing? ???
I'm so confused

booellesmum Sun 22-Jan-17 10:10:02

It doesn't matter if the person she is texting is male or female. It doesn't matter if she is gay or not.
I wouldn't make that a problem.
What you should focus on is what she is saying and doing regardless of sex/gender.
She should be aware that explicit texts are not on as they can be copied and shared if things go wrong. And definitely no pictures.
If you talk to her from that angle you can help to keep her safe without making her feel like you are not happy with her sexuality.
All teenagers have raging hormones and experiment. How she feels now may not be how she feels in the future. What is important for them is to feel that they are loved unconditionally by you and that you respect their feelings.

Greenfingeredfun Sun 22-Jan-17 10:13:36

Don't worry about trying to find a label. It's raging hormones! She may go on to just like males, females or both. Maybe bring up the discussion of it's okay to like girls too. Perhaps say you read a really story in a magazine about a girl who fancied girls but was too scared to tell her parents. Tell her you thought it was so sad she felt worried about what they'd think. Tell her you hope that she'd never feel like she couldn't talk to you about things like that.

catted Mon 30-Jan-17 07:12:32

From my experience as an LGBT+ person, I realized my sexuality around the same age as your daughter. Support her in her discovery of her sexuality, and if it is just a phase, at least you were completely supportive. As for the sexual part, talk to her about the risks, and that it's not completely appropriate for someone her age. She might continue to do it, but that's her choice. You can't control her in every way.

JustDanceAddict Mon 30-Jan-17 20:39:45

Wouldn't allow sleepover in the same way I wouldn't let a 14 yr old sleep at a boyfriend's. Also would be v concerned that texts etc can be screenshotted and shared - try to convey that without saying you've seen her phone.

feelingAncient Tue 31-Jan-17 23:10:40

Honestly she might not know. If you ask if she's straight she might get upset and think that she doesn't actually love this girl and her confusion will be confirmed. If you ask if she's gay could get offended as if she could never be straight and feel that she now had to love this girl. I think she's probably experimenting but you could look at people's coming out story's on YouTube just type it in and you'll find some one who matches is young and just like your daughter also makes you understand them more in case she comes out. I wouldn't ask. I'd let her go to this sleepover gain her trust plus at least she's not getting pregnant. I'd also tell her you saw the text.

Bensyster Wed 01-Feb-17 08:18:13

I think she probably feels "safer" experimenting with another girl but essentially it's the same thing. I'd want to have the chat about relationships with her, start to open the line of communication. Does she know you read her texts or have you done this secretly? If you have gone behind her back be very careful how you approach this - a lack of trust between you will not help. I wouldn't be putting a label on her either - no need. And I'd be very wary of allowing her to go for the sleepover at this stage.

differentnameforthis Wed 01-Feb-17 08:31:11

Text sex, normal at 13? I don't think so...

TheEdgeofSeventeen Tue 07-Feb-17 22:22:08

I sent sexual texts at this age ( though to boys) so I would say that is normal. I would ask her and I would say she is gay or Bi, though I am bisexual and didn't start to experiment or even mention my sexuality towards girls until i was around 16. I don't think the texts are dangerous and at least she won't get pregnant if they do do something but I would ask her about it because you need to monitor her emotional and relationship health x

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