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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Arrested

38 replies

Jem152 · 20/01/2017 13:12

Im looking for advice. Not nasty comments.
On NYE i was arrested for slapping my son. He called me a "c#$t" and kicked and punched me repeatedly. Things had been bubbling for weeks, with his awful behaviour at school, hes spitefulness and his lack of respect (hes 14). I am aware that i should NEVER have hit him. EVER. I just lost it. Since hes called me the same word, called me pathetic, stated im a crap parent and that he hates me. Hes even used the police since and said he will call them and tell them ive hit him again, even though i havent done any such thing.
Hes using social media to talk sexually with young girls and is now with his dad after calling me pathetic.
I love him. I dont know what to do?

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Berthatydfil · 20/01/2017 13:19

Sorry but he is abusing you. I have a teen boy a bit older and I know if he kicked and punched me it would hurt much more than a slap from me.
Go to the police and tell them how he is behaving and call them next time he assaults you.

Jem152 · 20/01/2017 13:25

I was arrested NYE for slapping him. Given a caution

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Jem152 · 20/01/2017 13:26

And i know i shouldnt have. Im aware of that.

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LTBforGin · 20/01/2017 13:31

Have you spoken to school?
There are all sorts of support frameworks available
How does he behave with dad?
Has anything triggered this?

PenguinPoser · 20/01/2017 13:36

I'm assuming that as the police were involved that social services are now involved as well? They should be able to help and support both of you. In theory anyway.

Jem152 · 20/01/2017 13:37

Yes the police were involved. I was detained for 12 hours. Social services are trying but there isnt the resource

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Jem152 · 20/01/2017 13:38

I have spoken to the school. Who say his home behaviour isnt really anything to do with them.

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DonkeyOaty · 20/01/2017 18:42

Can he reside permanently with his father?

ofudginghell · 20/01/2017 18:49

I would be tempted for him to stay with his father and distance yourself physically so you can both calm down.
Have set days to talk on the phone maybe for a short time about day to day stuff but keep it short.
Until he learns that treating you like that is unacceptable and realises what his actions are causing and that he's being abusive he won't learn empathy.
Do you and his dad have an ok relationship whereby you both work from the same sheet regarding your sons behaviour?

MsJamieFraser · 20/01/2017 18:53

I would have had him arrested for hitting you, A he needs to learn and he cannot abuse his mother and B he cannot physically harm anyone.

i think you have done the correct thing by sending him to his fathers, how is your relationship with your EX?

Jem152 · 21/01/2017 13:55

Its not the greatest. My ex only sees him 3 nights a month so him going there is a great inconvenience currently. Im waiting for the phone call to say that hes gonna have to bring him back due to his "commitments" blah blah blah. His dad even told social services he couldnt see him more. Ive begged his dad for help with him the past year. Im so frightened this is going to get worse or that our relationship is going to deminish altogether.
Him trying to lie about me hitting him again has shook me to the core. How my son would use what happened against me. Im frightened to have him home

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Finola1step · 21/01/2017 13:59

When your phone goes, don't answer it. Let it go to voicemail. Your ex needs to step up an be a proper Dad to the son you share. Starting today. You need time and space to process what is going on.

specialsubject · 21/01/2017 14:14

He hit first but you got arrested? I know you are the adult but that must hurt.

Leave with his father and speak to police, saying you are frightened to have him home because of his violence. You should feel safe in your own home.

If he ends up in deep trouble because of this... At least you are safe.

Jem152 · 21/01/2017 14:52

Yes he hit me first. Then stood up and called me a "stupid c@#t" and thats when i hit him. I was then arrested. Cautioned for assault. Im now on the verge of losing my job as a deputy care manager of a care home due to my caution being notified to the safeguarding team. Currently my employers are supporting me but they may get told to sack me due to my position with vulnerable adults. So when hes saying he is going to lie and say that ive hit him again and calls me pathetic for crying, then i have issues with being around him

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Jem152 · 21/01/2017 14:53

Hes written all over social media chat that "my mums a c#@t".
He hates me.

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Jem152 · 21/01/2017 14:55

I know i shouldnt have raised a hand to him. I should have, in great hindsight, walked away from him. But after well over a year, dealing with this, i finally lost it.
Im not justifying it. But now im frightened and concerned to have him home.

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OddBoots · 21/01/2017 15:00

I don't know if it is the right thing to do but in your situation I would be very, very temped to pack his things and take them to his dad's, change the locks and tell the school, doctors and child benefit people that his address is now his dad's address.

ImperialBlether · 21/01/2017 15:07

I think I'd do what OddBoots says. It's not as if childcare is needed at his age; he needs somewhere to stay and by threatening you, he clearly can't stay with you.

picklemepopcorn · 21/01/2017 15:15

You need to tell his dad and social services that he can't stay with you. When you are safe, and your job is safe, then you can look at rebuilding a relationship with him.

I know it is awful, but every time he is allowed to get away with hitting and swearing at you, he is damaging himself as well as you. It has to stop.

picklemepopcorn · 21/01/2017 15:16

I've been I pretty much the same situation as you- lashed out at a child after I had been punched in the face. It's a reflex, it's hard to stop yourself no matter how much you want to. Neither of you are safe.

OliviaStabler · 21/01/2017 15:20

I don't know if it is the right thing to do but in your situation I would be very, very temped to pack his things and take them to his dad's, change the locks and tell the school, doctors and child benefit people that his address is now his dad's address.

This would be my thought process to.

swingofthings · 21/01/2017 15:24

OK, firstly, is it him who called the police?

What was the issue that led to him hitting you and you retaliating?

Has the situation of conflict come about recently or have you always had issues with him?

Are you able to talk to him when he comes down and understand what brings on the anger?

Anger is a common feeling that comes on during teenagehood. It hit my boy at 12 and certainly shook me too. When he is angry, he is very angry and it is hard not to take his attacks (never physical in his case) personally. However, I've learned that he is as upset with it as I am. One day, I came home and he was crying and shaking on the floor because he'd broken something in anger and he was totally distressed saying 'why do I get so angry, why can't I control myself'.

After that episode, we talked a lot. Firstly about how anger is not all bad because a small level of anger can be what gives you energy to make changes in your life that you need to make, but that when it becomes uncontrollable, that's when it becomes destructible. We then discussed how he could learn to recognise the signs when it is coming and what he can do to avoid it exploding.

I have to say that after that, he became less and less angry and actually did apply the techniques we talked about. I think it mostly got better because his hormones calmed down.

I understand that SS are not able to do something urgently for him, but if indeed the main issue is his anger, could they direct you towards anger management classes for teenagers and maybe classes to help you deal with his anger better?

Ilovecaindingle · 21/01/2017 15:33

I have been when you are now. . .
I packed his stuff - all of it and sent him on his way. .
He matured, grew up and realised I was in fact a great parent and he had been indeed a little shit. .
He came home 7 months ago a reformed boy. .
Stay strong. . Don't contact either of them. . They will soon realise you are not a punchbag /doormat /bad parent. .
It's awful I know but honestly it makes it worse to argue and fight them. .

Jem152 · 21/01/2017 19:49

So he came back and lasted 14 minutes. Hes back with his dad. Think its all to raw for him and he spoke to me awfully.

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picklemepopcorn · 22/01/2017 06:26

What a shame, but not surprising now. What's the plan?

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