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Sad my DS is so selfish

(47 Posts)
Pinkpillow Tue 17-Jan-17 13:55:15

My DS is in 1st year at uni, far from home. So, he has never been great at keeping in touch, but will usually reply to a text and we chat couple of times a week (it's always me who calls).
He went off on uni ski trip on the 6th Jan and we said the usual ' keep in touch'. More due to the fact that hundreds of mad teens skiing and partying all week, I wants to make sure he was ok. Anyway, he did let me know he arrived, and then nothing. He returned on Sunday the 15th and despite my 'are you back yet?, nothing.
I am a mixture of sad, angry and frustrated.
is it too much to ask for a bit of thought in terms of appreciation, contact and consideration?
We pay approx £100 pw for his rent and paid for his ski trip..... I know love isn't conditional on spending, but right now I feel used and totally unappreciated for what we do for him.
Any thoughts?

Motherfuckers Tue 17-Jan-17 14:00:48

He's probably asleep! I think you are expecting way too much, he is enjoying hs first taste of freedom, stop badgering him.

Optimist1 Tue 17-Jan-17 14:09:13

Personally I'd be spelling out to him what level of communication I'm expecting. The term-time routine you describe sounds fine to me, but I would've said something like "Much as I'd love to have a daily report of your ski trip I won't interrupt your fun, but I would like you to let me know when you've arrived safely and when you're back again."

As Mother says, he could well still be sleeping off the effects of the trip, or his phone has been damaged, or any number of things that relate to his life but not to yours.

Much as I sympathise, paying his rent and for the holiday is just something that parents do if they have the money and inclination - absolutely not as a bribe to stay close!

Pinkpillow Tue 17-Jan-17 15:53:15

But 11 days with no word surely isn't expecting too much? I don't badger him and really try to let him live without ibterferebce, but some news would be good!

timeforabrewnow Tue 17-Jan-17 16:06:39

I'd say your apron strings are a bit too tight. He has left home now.

ImperialBlether Tue 17-Jan-17 16:08:52

Perhaps cancel the standing order? If he's reliant on it for food, rather than rent, I'd do that and then he'll get a shock when there's no money there. That'll force a phone call at any rate!

Postagestamppat Tue 17-Jan-17 16:14:01

I think that texting during the week and chatting twice a week is amazing for a teenager at uni. To be honest I think that your expectations are very high and contact will be dropping off as he gets older. At his age keeping in contact with your mum is the last thing on on a teenagers mind! At that age I could go months without speaking to my parents.

Postagestamppat Tue 17-Jan-17 16:15:39

*horrible brat that I was

Cakingbad Tue 17-Jan-17 16:16:18

OP, did you speak to your parents twice a week when you first left home?

Pinkpillow Tue 17-Jan-17 16:22:28

Thanks for your replies ... must be normal after all!
And no, I don't think I did speak to my parents twice a week ....

Merrylegs Tue 17-Jan-17 16:22:34

Do you want a chat - or just to know he got back safely? If you communicate via whatsapp or messenger you can see if he's read it. Would that help to reassure you? It's also a really handy tool for connecting with recalcitrant teens. Tbh chatting twice a week seems pretty good going to me - even if it is you doing the running. I find mine don't get in touch unless they need something (not money, but info, arrangements, admin).

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser Tue 17-Jan-17 16:23:03

There is this attitude that I have noticed sometimes on here that the second the clock strikes midnight on your child's 18th birthday, they should be thrown out into the world to cope with everything alone, and any attempt at communication or help from you is a sign that you are over-involved in their life and need to back off.

OP Talking on the phone twice a week does seem like quite a lot, but if it works for you and your DS, great. I personally think though your DS has been a bit out of order ignoring your messages on this holiday. I can totally understand that he is busy enjoying himself, but it hardly takes any effort to quickly send a text message to reassure you that he is ok. Even if his phone is damaged or something, surely he could send an email? It would literally take about 30 seconds.

Grausse Tue 17-Jan-17 16:53:01

There is this attitude that I have noticed sometimes on here that the second the clock strikes midnight on your child's 18th birthday, they should be thrown out into the world to cope with everything alone, and any attempt at communication or help from you is a sign that you are over-involved in their life and need to back off

^^ hear hear

Not normal in my experience and supremely selfish of him not to even text to say he's safely back, I'd be frantic. I'd also expect a big Thanks Mum for the trip. Has his term started? How do you know he got back?
I have two at uni. One texts daily and Skypes every week. The other is less chatty but there is an ongoing text/imessage conversation and I get the odd "how do I cook x" type of phone call.

blueskyinmarch Tue 17-Jan-17 17:05:37

My DD2 is in her first year at uni and she is hopeless at keeping in touch. We never talk and she only occasionally returns my texts. However she is a lovely hardworking girl who has settled well at uni and has made friends. I am thankful for this.

DD2 on the other hand texts and calls regularly. She always has done even when at uni. She is just a very different nature to DD1.

I have learned to accept that DD2 just doesn't feel the need to constantly keep in touch.

Pinkpillow Tue 17-Jan-17 17:22:04

I gave in and sent another text saying asking if he was back ok? A friend from his school was on the trip so I know in a roundabout way that he is back, but I'm pretending I don't know until I hear from him.... quietly seething at this point 🤔

prettywhiteguitar Tue 17-Jan-17 17:29:26

I think this is less about the communication than the feeling used. I would stop paying for so much, obviously not his rent but anything else. I certainly didn't have my mum paying for holidays at that age.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Tue 17-Jan-17 17:29:43

I can understand it must be hard but you've just got to try and let go.
It's your time again now.

LotsoNumbers Tue 17-Jan-17 17:45:32

I wouldn't be paying for anything other than his rent from now on (not even that if you could get away with it), the ungrateful sod. He won't have been sleeping since he got back...anyone can manage a quick "back in the country" text

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Tue 17-Jan-17 18:32:16

There is this attitude that I have noticed sometimes on here that the second the clock strikes midnight on your child's 18th birthday, they should be thrown out into the world to cope with everything alone, and any attempt at communication or help from you is a sign that you are over-involved in their life and need to back off.
I think you've got it arse backwards, certainly help/support them, but let them make contact for the lions share of the time. My parents never pestered me but I always knew they were there for me, they let me get on with things, which is only right IMO. I probably phoned them once a week, this was back in the 80's.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Tue 17-Jan-17 18:36:11

*but if I hadn't they wouldn't have nagged me, the more you nag, the more distance they'll put between you, seriously, you've just got to get on with your own life now, they don't owe you anything.

AllTheLight Tue 17-Jan-17 18:41:01

When I was that age I wouldn't have expected to contact my parents at all while I was away skiing. Even if they'd paid for it. We have a good relationship and I don't consider myself selfish!

Pinkpillow Tue 17-Jan-17 19:32:22

I'm not so bothered about him not contacting me when he was away, but I'd like to know that he is back at uni and is in one piece!

happypoobum Tue 17-Jan-17 19:48:10

I agree with PP - you are a bit over the top to be honest. You admit you didn't call your own parents twice a week after you left home, I think your expectations are a bit high. You know he is safely home, so what's the drama?

Ragwort Tue 17-Jan-17 19:54:25

I don't think you are being over the top at all - you have treated him to a ski trip (not cheap - I have just paid for my teenager to go on a school skiing trip) & he hasn't the courtesey to send you a quick text. I think think that is rude.

It is all very well for posters to say 'loosen the apron springs' but it is your money that is paying for his expensive holiday and subsidising his university expenses.

I think, sadly, a lot of youngsters are very ungrateful and have an entitled attitude these days.

When I was at uni (years before email/mobile phones grin) the least I would do was queue once a week for the pay phone to make a call home just to keep in touch.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Tue 17-Jan-17 19:58:36

I think when you're young and just starting out you're so wrapped up in yourself, busy doing your own thing, basically the last thing that's on your mind 99% of the time anyway is your parents.
As most of us do though, as we get older we realise what the most important things are in life, one of them being our parents, once they've got into the swing of things they'll come back you see.

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