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Abusive relationships

(6 Posts)
Teenagestress42 Sat 14-Jan-17 10:38:39

Dd is 15 and her on/off vile boyfriend is just turned 18. She has ADHD and it has been an extremely difficult 2 years she is unfortunatley drawn to drama and has no respect for authority, rules and has 0 respect both for herself, friends and family. What she does have respect for is her boyfriend. It is a drama fuelled relationship, he's cheated, he's controlling, emotionally abusive and has even spat at her in the past. When he's about she barely breathes without his say so, she wears no make up, only wears clothes he agrees with and he is on the phone 24/7, if he can't get hold of her he goes mad which results in hysterical screaming and her apologising (even when she's just been asleep) and him calling her every name under the sun then he buys her stuff , compliments her and she's very robotic "just leave us be we are so happy we love each other so much " or angry. She abuses me when she's with him every question is met with "fuck off" she scowls at me , ignores curfews and manipulates me, cuts her friends off.

I have contacted SS , police, camhs and DV charities but due to her being under 16 the DV laws don't apply which is helpful. I have tried inviting him in in the past being polite, currently though there is no way he is coming over i despise him. He has messaged me saying I need to stop interfering as he's all that makes her happy. The police have spoken to her when they'd split they said there was enough to charge him but she wouldn't press charges and was deemed to have capacity so they could do nothing. I'm currently not dealing with it very well and am just so frustrated she's gone back having split up for 3 months she was so much happier and yet again she's gone back. Our relationship really suffers when he's about and he'll be on the phone enticing her to argue with me like a puppet master. Her school are aware, ss aware, police aware but no advice. Anyone been through similar?

Peebles1 Sat 14-Jan-17 12:34:20

A little bit, yes, but DD was 17 and bf 19. They were together for just under 12 months. She finished it several times, only to go back to him. I still worry that she'll go back, but she has gone away to uni now and he has also moved away (though not far), and she swears she would never go back.

I feel for you as I always felt the worst when she'd made the break and then went back. We usually rowed at these times, because I was so bitterly disappointed and upset.

We also banned him from the house (though the reason was his continuing involvement in drugs). We focused on our relationship with her and making home a nice place. We had trips out as a family (we also have two older DSs) and I had trips away with just her. I tried really hard to keep our relationship good so that she could talk to me when she was upset about the bf. I tried to remain neutral about him. She knew how I felt, and sometimes in an argument I would spew it all out! But mostly I didn't slag him off. I also showed her some info from the internet about teenage abusive relationships which she read and screenshotted to keep.

Eventually she ended it, with a long drawn out summer of contact/no contact with him. I'm not sure how much we influenced her decision, but at least we had a good relationship by then so could support her through it.

Good luck - it really is horrible to stand by and watch. I'm paranoid about her going into another abusive relationship next! Good sign that your DD finished it once though, it's probably only a matter of time.

Teenagestress42 Sat 14-Jan-17 19:07:58

Thanks it was a nasty shock to discover she'd gone back , had only just started thinking how well she'd done ! I really hope this time will be the last time. I've been advised to welcome him into the house but I just can't bring myself to do it. I will try and remain positive with dd which will mean biting my tongue but even then I get the wrath of whatever he's done. He hates me so she seems to not want to engage with me at all when he's on the scene.

Peebles1 Sat 14-Jan-17 20:00:23

Re: inviting him to the house. Every situation is different and I think in the past I would've followed that advice, and I felt bad about banning him at the time. She accepted it because of the drug thing. However, since they split up she said it was the best thing we could've done as it provided her with a safe place to escape to, where she knew he couldn't follow. So maybe your DD will thank you eventually - but who's to know? We do what we think is right at the time. flowers

Dazed321 Mon 23-Jan-17 21:21:12

I am smack bang in the middle of something similar only it's my 19 year old son who is being manipulated by his same age girlfriend. The past two weeks have seen him dumping her to days later announcing that his father and I are terrible and he's moving a couple of hundred miles away with her. Right now we are getting nothing but contempt and downright nastiness. I tried the calm "this relationship isn't healthy- you have no friends outwith it, and she doesn't kettle you have any" to "ffs, the girl is poison". He seems out to hurt us now to "prove" how much he loves her. I joined to post looking for advice because this is breaking me.

Teenagestress42 Sun 29-Jan-17 02:30:11

I'd like to say my situation has improved but it's just got worse. Dd is completely out of control and anyone that stands in her way she'll stamp all over. I have tried various approaches all have the same result her obsession grows and she hates anyone who disagrees !

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