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Looks like DD14 is seeing an 18yr old. Can you help me handle it properly please?

(106 Posts)
DailyMailDontStealMyThread Thu 12-Jan-17 23:12:09

DD has spent a few weeks now out and about, keeping herself to herself and just not being involved as much.p lately, attached to her phone etc.

I was tidying upstairs just now and saw, what looks to me like a love bite on her neck. I didn't say anything but she knows I saw it.

DD2 is still floating about getting ready for bed and when I went in to pick up in her room and turn her light out she said did you see it? And then said DD1s boyfriend is 18 and told me his name.

so, my 14yr has her first boyfriend and he is apparently 18. I remember, probably doing similar at her age and it all fizzled out due to me not being old enough to join in with their older activities and his friends ripping the piss out of him. TBH I probably got bored before he did of the relationship but it was warmer hanging out in his car instead of the park.

But the mother part of me wants to scream you are never seeing him ever again.

I understand girls may at times be more mature than boys but 18 v 14, really?? In my mind I can only think of one thing he wants from my daughter.

What should I do?

BackforGood Thu 12-Jan-17 23:53:15

In my mind I can only think of one thing he wants from my daughter.

Well I think that's sad.
All 3 of my dc have had hobbies where they are involved with people both older and younger than themselves. Like in all friendship groups people 'click' for different reasons. There's no reason why an 18 and 14 yr old can't send time together without it being seedy. Yes, it could be, but how narrow minded that that is the only reason you think 2 people might possibly want to spend time together.

Philoslothy Thu 12-Jan-17 23:56:21

Most 18 year old boys want sex from a relationship. Hopefully most 14 year old girls are not ready for that although they are hormone packed and eager to please. That is a dangerous combination

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Thu 12-Jan-17 23:56:44

Did you miss the part where I saw a love bite on her neck?

DD has no hobbies so I had thought maybe engaging in her interests more might help, like climbing walls and horses. Including her younger siblings as well

CheckpointCharlie2 Thu 12-Jan-17 23:57:51

My dd is 14 and I would go fucking ballistic if she has an 18 year old bf. She is in no way ready for that kind of relationship.

Is your dd? I would talk to her primarily but not sure what else to suggest. If it was me I probably wouldn't let her see him but my dd although quite open and upfront, isn't that streetwise so might be different.

5OBalesofHay Thu 12-Jan-17 23:59:49

I think the love bite puts paid to that BackforGood.

I think you have to try to put a stop to this asap due to the age difference. Will she talk to you about stuff? We've been through similar it was very difficult.

FloatyFlo Fri 13-Jan-17 00:02:37

Yes, it could be, but how narrow minded that that is the only reason you think 2 people might possibly want to spend time together.

To be honest I don't think I would give a fuck about appearing narrow minded if MY 14 year old came home with lovebite from an 18 year old.

I haven't any advice really OP as I'm a good few years away from being the parent of a teenager but I wouldn't be happy in your situation.

The 18 year olds I know would have no interest in being with a girl so much younger, and I don't necessarily mean that regarding age, but maturity too. The difference betweend a 14 year old and 18 year old is huge. It's not like a 20 year old and a 24 year old. But that age the maturity/behaviour gap as closed dramatically. If that makes sense!

PerspicaciaTick Fri 13-Jan-17 00:04:07

Invite him round to tea or Sunday lunch. Find out more about him and try to defuse the mystique and make him seem boring and normal. It will probably be more effective than banning and shaming her, especially as wherever they are meeting she has successfully concealed it from you for several weeks (months?) and would probably continue seeing him secretly if pushed.

And make sure your DD knows about contraception and how to access it. Because you don't want her catching something or getting pregnant in the meantime.

FloatyFlo Fri 13-Jan-17 00:04:14

Ergh, sorry for typos. Hopefully that still reads clearly.

hoddtastic Fri 13-Jan-17 00:05:29

we had this with one of DD's friends when they were similar ages. The boy was the older brother of one of their mutual friends and she was having sleepovers in the house too (large house, lax parents)

he is an adult, she is a child, he could end up on a sex offenders register if they have sex. you need to be really clear with them both.

Isadora2007 Fri 13-Jan-17 00:08:15

Sorry no. That age had us absolutely fine at a later stage but there is a HUGE difference between 14 and 18 and I would not be happy about that age gap and the love bite at all. Love bites are either very immature and done on purpose or can be a sign of pretty intense and passionate sessions that in my mind would include more than just a snog.
Get talking to dd and get some answers OP...

NC1nightstand Fri 13-Jan-17 00:08:55

Well I take your point Backfor but I think there is a massive difference between 14 and 18. I was 15/16 when I had a boyf 4 years older and let's just say that relationship shaped the direction my life went in for a long time. But you won't know anything until you meet him. So invite him over and use your mumdar to figure him out. The worst thing would be to make him seem all the more attractive for being forbidden but equally she is 14 and you are allowed to meet her friends and secretly vet them. Just don't freak out OP, he could well be lovely. The thing that bothers me though is at 18 I was out drinking etc and I would worry that she may feel she has to keep up with him and his friends. As far as the other thing goes, oh I'm sorry I wanted to come on and give a calm measured opinion but the more I think of it the more I would want to say "no way!" Sorry OP.

Teenageromance Fri 13-Jan-17 06:58:52

What would you all think of the difference between a 17 year old boy and 15 year old girl (one academic year between them)

Snowflake65 Fri 13-Jan-17 07:11:50

I agree about inviting him over and finding out what he's like.

If you go nuclear and ban her from seeing him then you make him all the more attractive and exciting.

My 18yo DS' friends would no way be interested in a 14yo, but my DS is emotionally very immature due to LDs so could well imagine him being friends with a mature14yo girl that he had met through a group and something potentially developing romantically that would be very innocent. Just to give you a possible other side of the story.

Gallavich Fri 13-Jan-17 07:16:57

15 and 17 is fine imo
14 and 18 is not. You need to speak to your daughter and tell her this relationship has to end. Find out who he is and contact him, saying the same. Cite the law and remind them both that sexual activity between them is illegal and could result in him having a conviction that would ruin his life.
If she doesn't accept this then take away her phone and ground her. It's really shit but this relationship can't be allowed to carry on under any circumstances. Tell them they can date when she's 16 f they still feel the same hmm

Reality16 Fri 13-Jan-17 13:50:46

I wouldn't invite him round or make any effort to get to know him. That would indicate you accept this relationship.

The what would you think of a 15 and 17 together is irrelevant, the people in question here are 14 & 18.

I would be finding out as much as I possibly could from your DD, but it would be somewhere in the back of my mind that police involvement may be called upon.

Lasvegas Fri 13-Jan-17 13:55:42

My DD is just 14 and year 9. She has for last few months had a boyfriend who is same age. Love bites seen and discussed.

I am relieved she has met someone who is same age as her. We encourage the relationship as in he is welcome to come over any time, and we drive her and collect her from her boyfriends. In my view better the devil you know.

SirVixofVixHall Fri 13-Jan-17 14:35:27

18 is an adult, 14 is a child. I would think an 18 year old who wanted to date a 14 year old girl was a bit weird. At that age every year makes a huge difference and 14 is really young. As pps have said, he could end up on the sex offenders register for a start. When I was 17 I had a 23 year old boyfriend. I didn't sleep with him, although he did put huge pressure on me to do so, but looking back I can see that he liked me being so young because I was easier to manipulate. He liked the idea of being the person to take my virginity, as a commodity really. He was a horrible person, and I was too young to see that then because I didn't have other, nicer boyfriends to compare him to. However lovely your dd, if an 18 year old wants to date her, knowing that she is only 14, then he either has a thing for young girls or her youth makes him feel superior. Neither of those things are good op.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Fri 13-Jan-17 14:46:21

I told DD we need to have a catch up this evening so I can chat with her although I really don't know where to start.

I know by telling her she must not see him it may well make her do it behind my back, she is a very strong and determined 14yr old bit I really don't see what good can come from it at all.

I don't know who he is or why he has suddenly started hanging around with a bunch of 14/15 yr olds, he isn't an older brother etc I just know his name.

Thank you for the replies and a chance to type it all out.

DearMrDilkington Fri 13-Jan-17 14:52:18

I'd invite him over personally. I had a 19yr old boyfriend when I was 15 and he would have ran a mile if my parents found out and invited him for tea.

Have you got his last name? I'd look him up on Facebook and get a rough idea what his like.

PerspicaciaTick Fri 13-Jan-17 14:53:21

That's how I'd start then - "So how did you meet?" "What do you like about him?" "How does he make you feel?" "What do you do together?" - obviously not all fired off one after another. You might find that busy hands and limited eye contact (something like doing the washing up together) make it feel less confrontational and you might get less defensive answers.

You don't have to fix this instantly. Have your talk. Take time to mull over what you learn and then formulate a plan from there. Talk again over the weekend.

Floralnomad Fri 13-Jan-17 14:54:14

Agree totally with sirvix , although I wonder if he actually knows how old your daughter is .

TheElephantofSurprise Fri 13-Jan-17 15:03:34

My! Talk and listen.

Don't ask what they do or how it makes her feel! There are some weirdo parents on MN nowadays who want to delve into such stuff with their children - don't be one of them.

Do remind her that:
Sexual contact with her puts him at risk of finding himself on the sex offenders register, whether she likes what he does or not. That could affect his whole life, including his career choices.
At 14, she can't consent. Sex is against the law.
As a mother, you would be terribly upset and worried if your son was seeing a fourteen year old girl - the risks of him getting into trouble are so great.
Noting the above, she is your primary concern.
You don't want her to come to harm physically or emotionally.
As the relationship is already sexual to whatever extent, she needs reliable access to contraception.
Ideally you would prefer her to wait until she's older before embarking on sexual relationships (if that is the case).

Definitely find her other things to do and look for ways to bolster her self-esteem.

PerspicaciaTick Fri 13-Jan-17 15:10:16

I was assuming the answer to "what do you do together" would be "hang out at the park/a mates etc. Did you think it was a question about sex? shock

Confutatis Fri 13-Jan-17 15:20:14

Don't make too many assumptions (just yet). I'd ask first about the love bite. That's a good way in as you have seen it yourself. The boy may have different views about the status of the relationship, If you find him on facebook, it may even say...

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