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Daughter needs locking up,partner threatening to leave with our baby

(79 Posts)
hertsgirl1984 Fri 06-Jan-17 15:23:09

Shes 15 ad 3 months. For the last 3years shes refused to attend school despite all the usual incentives and punishments and has been rude and stroppy. She is so lazy that she leaves dirty plates of food and clothes and cigarette butts in her room and i have twice ended up with a poorly dog after hes been in there! She isnt allowed to eat in her room , much less smoke but she really doesnt care what i say or take any notice. Family and home life couldnt really be better for her, my partner and I never, ever argue our home (apart from her room) is lovely and although we are not rich we do not struggle and the girl has all the latest clothes, gadgets etc, she's been on luxury cruises with the grandparents and has enjoyed a childhood which was healthy and easy going. Shes always been hard work from a toddler who disliked affection and was only happy when destroying things , to a child who spent primary school starting arguments with other children and then crying bullying for attention. She pretends to have anxiety and depression to duck out of school and as an excuse for her behaviour when she gets arrested for assaulting me or damaging our home but It's lies as she is happy to catch a train anywhere to get a new piercing or meet friends. She refers to me as 'fat c***' (I'm a size 12 and 26 weeks pregnant) and says she hates my partner and he is also a fat c** and if I threaten to punish her for ruining our home or stealing she says she will cause trouble for him(by this I assume she means calling the police or something and telling them lies) he really is a wonderfully kind and gentle guy and has only stopped doing things for her since she became really nasty. She leaves the house at 3am sometimes and steals whenever she can so I sleep with my purse etc under my bed. She has told me that she hopes our child will be disabled and has wished him dead too.I have never said anything nasty like this to her, when I criticise her behaviour I literally tell her what shes done wrong I never resort to childish name calling or hurtful things (even though sometimes I want to tell her a few things) I walk away when I'm getting too stressed to remain in control so I dont know where shes learnt this awful behaviour. Im frightened of her, I hate her stinking room and the fact that her boyfriend seems to be at my home all the time, I hate being spoken to like s* and having my home smashed up or being hit if I attempt to discipline her. She put on a show for the social worker which made her seem lovely and made me look mental, she was discharged from CAMHS because she sat and took the piss out of the counsellor and refused to engage with appointments etc and after becoming a regular at the custody suite, she likes the attention from police officers and usually manages to manipulate them into thinking shes some sort of victim. Am I wrong to want her to leave before our baby arrives? I know this isnt possible as shes banned from most relatives homes, let alone be able to stay there so we are stuck with her, well I am, my other half is threatening to move out with the baby if things dont change.

SugarMiceInTheRain Fri 06-Jan-17 15:47:21

I'm not at this stage as my eldest is only 11 but just wanted to send you flowers Hope some more knowledgeable posters will be along soon. I don't know what to suggest wrt your DD, particularly as being in trouble with the police doesn't seem to bother her sad

BratFarrarsPony Fri 06-Jan-17 15:50:47

well you could kick her out and she would have to go into foster care.

JennyOnAPlate Fri 06-Jan-17 15:55:15

How do you punish her and where's she getting the money to go out/buy cigarettes?

hertsgirl1984 Fri 06-Jan-17 16:03:45

hi ladies thanks for replies. Im worried that foster care will make her even worse in terms of the long term outcome, most girls who go into care dont do well. Also, it will give her a greater excuse to fight the system. Also, I dont pay her allowance if she doesn't conform to basic rules like going to school, being at home late at night etc so its anyones guess how she affords to smoke now i have adopted a no cash policy in the home where i live on my debit card so she cant steal money. I suppose the boyfriend must contribute to this, she had an appointment at an education suport center this morning and refused to go, as a result im going to ban him from our home for one week. Wont tellher this until other half is home though incase she gets aggressive. What a life sad

helensburgh Fri 06-Jan-17 16:11:37

Oh goodness what a situation.
So reading between the lines your partner isn't her dad? If this is the case can he read offer any support here?
Someone needs to help..she's still a child. If she's been in police trouble does she not have a social worker?

Thingscanonlygetbetter41 Fri 06-Jan-17 16:12:32

My dd is quite similar flowers
Is she on any school roll? Can you not see if she can go to a residential school if she doesn't attend and has been out 3 years? Does she have any medical diagnosis or learning difficulties?

Thingscanonlygetbetter41 Fri 06-Jan-17 16:13:25

My dd attends a behaviour school (not residential) but if she refuses to go in they come to the house to get her.

PollytheDolly Fri 06-Jan-17 16:14:00

First medical diagnosis.

If ok,

Boot camp. Sorry, but it could work!

Thingscanonlygetbetter41 Fri 06-Jan-17 16:14:03

Also where does she get money for cigarettes ?

BratFarrarsPony Fri 06-Jan-17 16:19:46

" If she's been in police trouble does she not have a social worker? "

you do not get a SW if child in police trouble. Not where I lived anyway.
Once a child was 14, SS did not really care. IME.

hertsgirl1984 Fri 06-Jan-17 16:21:53

Yes ladies, her real dad is useless. He has seen her only a handfull of times despite my best efforts and her spending lots of time when she was small at his parents so couldn't have been easier for him :/ We recently got awarded maintenance from CSA for her and his earnings were high so its quite a bit, which allowed me to increase her target allowance to nearly £200 per month. She very rarely makes it to £20 as I 'fine' her for bad behaviour. I have tucked some of this money away to look for proffessional help for her, like a holiday where she gets therapy and we get a break, nothing really in the uk like it. I would love her to go to a residential school but the social services are hopeless, they basically turn up, chat for a bit, tell me what a great job im doing and inform me that they are closing the case because although shes difficult, shes not at risk. The exact words 'We work for the child,not the parent' and refer her back to education welfare. Its a big ferris wheel of pointless meeetings and appointments. Could it be that I'm too polite/meek ?should I make a bit more noise and kick off a bit at these services?

Thingscanonlygetbetter41 Fri 06-Jan-17 16:24:04

Yes I would start making more noise , your doing your bit but she's not safe she's putting herself at risk crime, going out at 3am etc !

Iris65 Fri 06-Jan-17 16:24:05

If you are being assaulted and abused by your daughter then you have every right to call the police. I would also inform the police and social services about her threats to get your partner into trouble.
Sometimes you have to be tough and it sounds as if your daughter has complex needs and needs ongoing management outside the family.
You have to protect your unborn baby as well as yourself and if that means that she has to leave the family home then so be it. It might prove to be a 'wake up call' for her. How much worse can it get?

Thingscanonlygetbetter41 Fri 06-Jan-17 16:24:29

200 a month is also in my opinion way to much !

BratFarrarsPony Fri 06-Jan-17 16:25:55

obviously she is at risk if she is leaving the house at 3am!

Thingscanonlygetbetter41 Fri 06-Jan-17 16:27:04

I wouldn't be giving her a penny if she's behaving how she is shes obviously just spending on fags, does nothing to help and doesn't even go to school. I told my dd no more pocket money it's earnt through school attendance, keeping room reasonable and she can earn a bit extra for doing chores (which rarely happens !).

Milklollies Fri 06-Jan-17 16:32:17

You're only giving your side of the story. The alarm bells rang with money where you stated that she gets 200 per month but you're saving that and planning a holiday for yourselves when you should be getting a therapist for your daughter. The impression I get is that you think you're doing right by her and you want us all to send you flowers and type what a bad child she is etc. She is acting this way for a reason. Was she molested? Emotionally abused? Did you ever blame her for your problems? Molestations can happen outside of the house just so you know. Something doesn't sit right with me when it comes to this story. If she is 15 I hope she gets the treatment and help she deserves to turn her life around.

JellyWitch Fri 06-Jan-17 16:34:08

Is state boarding school an option. It's worked wonders for a friend's daughter.

Milklollies Fri 06-Jan-17 16:35:00

If this is a genuine post then I feel bad for you OP but something isn't right in that child's life and the way you blatantly disregarded pshycological conditions such as depression gives me a negative vibe on your post. Depression isn't just sitting on a bed depressed. Anger is part of depression in some people and unexpressed it can have dangerous consequences. You need to bite the bullet and get her help.

BratFarrarsPony Fri 06-Jan-17 16:35:53

its all very well talking about state boarding schools, but they don't want to be used like that,
Not one state boarding school would not take a badly behaved teen being shipped out of home unwillingly, I can assure you.

BratFarrarsPony Fri 06-Jan-17 16:36:29

*not one would take...

AddictedtoLovely Fri 06-Jan-17 16:37:54

I would contact ss and refuse to have her at home.

MeadowHay Fri 06-Jan-17 16:38:21

Is she getting help with her mental health? You mentioned she got discharged from CAMHS, would she be up for going back to them again? Alternatively, if you could afford private treatment for her, would she be willing to participate in that? I think it really sounds like your lines of communication with her are non-existent as well, it sounds really tough but I am wondering if there is any way you can try and sit down and just have a calm conversation with her but focus on her wellbeing and happiness in that conversation. I understand things are difficult for you, but things are clearly difficult for her as well and as her parent you need to focus on her needs first, if her mental health improves the situation for you will improve as well. Is there anybody in the family, or outside of the family that could help facilitate this kind of calm conversation where you just ask her how she is feeling, what she feels she would like to improve about her life, and then look at working with her on compromises to improve things for all of you? Maybe social worker, or another relative? Just a thought. Or someone like a counsellor, be that private or NHS.

hertsgirl1984 Fri 06-Jan-17 16:40:36

Milkollies, thank you but I think you misunderstood the money thing, When I said therapy for her and a break for us I simply meant like a theraputic holiday for her and for us to stay at home and enjoy some peace. Its been many years since we've had a break since my family all find her too much. She's incredibly strong willed and has always had a talent for getting her own way, but she seems not to care about anyone elses feelings. She's never been at risk of abuse as far as I'm aware, we were very over protective when she was younger and she wasnt really out of our sight until she was 12/13 atleast when she first started going off out to meet friends. She seems happy and confident with her body and has normal age appropriate relationships with boys so there's no reason to suspect really. Perhaps Im just a walkover? My mum told me I was far too nice but I ignored her because in my opinion she was far too mean.

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