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I need help dealing with dd(6 Posts)
She is almost 17, has always been really easy to parent, dsis has made jokes over the years that at some point she'll turn into a "typical teen" as she has been so good all through puberty.
She has a boyfriend who she has been with on and off for a couple of years. He is awful now, very manipulative, controlling. She rarely sees her own friends as any spare time has to be with him. She is obsessed with him, he says he is depressed and has messaged her on several occasions when she wasn't planning to see him saying he would hurt himself. There are constant requests for him to sleepover.
She changed schools for 6th form at her request, she's very bright and wanted to go to university, the school she applied to is selective and stricter than her old school. When she is not rowing with the boyfriend she likes the school and is positive, when he is unsettled she decides she hates the school and has to move back to her old school where he is also doing a levels.
She is so lazy at the moment, won't do chores, just basic stuff like load the dishwasher or put some washing in the machine. Is rude and really negative about her younger step sister.
Yesterday I dropped her to a friends house, got a call from her at teatime demanding a lift. Picked her up and as soon as she got in the car she started to have a go at me, it was as if she had wound herself up before the conversation started.
The upshot was that she screamed at me all the way home, she's going to over schools whether I agree or not and at one point accused me of hitting her. ( I have never hit her or threatened to hit her)
Today she went to her boyfriends, she has told my partner she is not coming home. She has just rung to say she is now coming home but only to speak to me about my behaviour...
She physically can't move schools, the train fares will cost approx £200 per month and the old school doesn't offer the a levels she is doing. It also has Crap a level results which Is why she insisted on moving in the first place.
Please help me to ride this out. She is so irrational right now I don't actually know what to do.
So sorry you are going through this..
Sounds like you think all this is stemming from her relationship w the bf. Do you know him? His mom? Can you talk to his mom to find out what is going on with him?
Also can you elaborate on what DD is saying when she is screaming at you in the car? What's her complaint about you? Is it about the school only?
This is a typical time for someone (even without boyfriend issues) to have wobbles about going back to their new school. Has she made new friends & seen them over the holidays? Good luck
Difficult though it is, don't criticise the bf. Don't criticise your DD either, but don't accept her screaming at you. I once made my DD get out of the car when she was doing similar. Apart from anything else, it isn't safe to drive under those conditions.
You need to present the appearance of being calm and capable. Even though it's horrible for you. Your DD needs you to be a rock as she is clearly unhappy in this horrible situation.
Avoid arguing - if she starts screaming at you walk away saying you don't deserve to be screamed at. If she starts on about the same old stuff, say as calmly as possible that you've discussed this already and you're not going to go through it again.
Try not to put her under any pressure except to not shout/scream at you. it must be very difficult for her having such an awful bf and doing her school work. Try to make your home a nice place to be in where she feels loved, valued and supported. She probably doesn't want to move in with her bf anyway, but you will make it easier for her to tell you her problems without 'losing face' if you can manage to nip these dramas she creates in the bud. She needs to know that you are on her side and love her unconditionally but value yourself enough not to accept being verbally abused by her like this. Acknowledge that it's hard to be 17 these days.
Her bf could be feeding her bad advice about how 'awful' you are. Listen to what she has to say as calmly as you can and don't panic about her saying she's moving out. She probably doesn't want to.
It is unsettling and upsetting - has she been home since talking to your DP?
Tbh I don't know if it matters how flexible or reasonable you are as she is waging war. I agree with the advice given, being there for DD in a maternal sense doesn't mean tolerating getting shouted at nor jumping to facilitate immediate favours.
Think toddler taming. Try and stay calm. The drama ramps up if she feels thwarted. For all that teens think we're stupid we parents are still walking cash dispensers.
Her boyfriend sounds adept at emotional manipulation so his influence plus teen craving for independence makes a troublesome combination.
Classic behaviour: shouty aggro then still demanding parent taxi service. You are right, she went from 0-90 because she psyched herself up before you arrived so she'd have the upper hand.
If she is still on talking terms with your DP and DSis any chance they can chat with her?