how do I deal with NY Party fiasco?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

Sorry, this will be epic. I am still incandescent.
We (reluctantly) agreed to let ds (17) have a NYE Party at our house.
Little back story - he has had a challenging few months. Didn't want to go back to school in September for A Levels, generally a bit challenging, had in November (still unresolved) trouble with the police. I have 4 dc. He is the eldest and by far the most challenging. He e has often a real attitude problem with me. Anyway, must to our amazement, most of the recent parents evening comments we got were really positive.

So.... he asks us if he can have a NYE party. I wanted to say no. Dh, given his good school comments and (since police trouble) improved behaviour at home, wanted to give him a chance. He assured us he would only be inviting his geeky school friends who hardly drank.

1st guest who turns up is his best friend who is a really annoying foolish kids who gets up to all sorts and who also thinks he is staying over. We call the kid's dad and agree that he can stay for the party but not overnight.

Anyway, I'll run briefly through it.

6.pm 1st guest arrive (his undesirable friend plus 1 girl). They go out (wtf)
6.30 The other guests arrive. ds not here (wtf)
6.45 Ds shows up. Everything seems ok. The other kids seem like nice kids.
9.15, I emerge from playroom where dh, dog and I are spending the evening) to find bathroom covered in puke, ds pretty drunk and telling us not to go to his room - pissed, passed out girl in his bed. Make ds clean up puke. dh & I are worrying about girl - call her parents? Call an ambulance? Let her sleep it off? Find out from another guest this girl is ds gf & involved in the police trouble & her parents (understandably hate ds). Ds stupid mate brought a bottle of vodka and she had necked loads of it.

I'm now giving up and idea of a drink or an early night. Regularly checking on girl. Ds shouting at us. drunk and aggressive. esp towards me.

Go and check on girl again to find ds in bed with her! Jesus. Dh goes mad.
they start setting off fireworks in the garden ds told not allowed) but ds not with his guests (again) dh going mad (again).

ds passes out in bed maybe 1ish.

All of the guests are actually really lovey, well behaved, most of them sober, none of them drunk, they even did most of the clearing up. The only bad behaviour was from my ds and his stupid mate. I offer to drive them home.They say they have lifts. do loads of housework while waiting, so v little clearing up left, short of wiping down, hoovering and mopping. Their lifts don't show up till 2.30 am! So dh and I can't go to bed and I didn't have a drink all night.

Next morning, I'm up at 8, ds already gone out. Nc till 5 when he finally shows up. He is rude to me. I raise me voice at him and he tells me what a cow I am, how I ruined his party and threw all his friends out. So, I am beyond enraged. He wasn't even there for half of it. Left his (lovely, polite, helpful, apologetic) guests to it.

How do I handle it with his today? Consequences? Way forward? I think he is beyond spoilt, entitled, clueless, and has a real attitude problem with me. Dh is going back to work totally depressed and stressed out. All my other dc are loving and well behaved and appreciative and no trouble really. It's ds2 birthday today (16)

[JoyceDivision]

To be honest my DC are still young, but I get the sense that whatever you do you need to do it with your dh to show a united front in whatever yu say tohim.

The aggression you mentioned, are you happy to elaborate on that? Other than the aggression it sounds a bit like a normal teenager party to be fair, although I appreciate with issues you've been having with your ds it's not the party as such but his behaviour during it that is the problem.

If he is getting good reports from school / college then maybe contact them: do they have a behaviour mentor / guidance staff who can help out? I'm sure your ds won't be the only student who is a 'good' student yet completely different to what parents have to put up with at home!

so, what's the aggression like?

also, what happened with the girl who was passed out? Bit concerned if she was passed out / unconscious and you found your ds in bed with her.... looks like if that happened he really needs it hammering home about what's acceptable....

[ErnesttheBavarian]

She had come round and was canoodling with him! Dh told her to get dressed and get upstairs, which she did. She then later left to stay the night with another girl who lives close by, and walked there

Agression. Literally shouting at me - stop invading my party (when I go and ask them to keep the door shut as the poor dog was having a heart attack from the noise of the fire works). His friends apologise for the noise, he screams in my face)

He had several drunken shouty rants. If he was taken out of the equation, the party would have been absolutely fine. But he shouted aggressively several times, then fucked off and left us to sort out his guests, then fucked off all day yesterday, so didn't do any clearing up, then got shouty again when we tried to talk to him yesterday.

He had a party he basically didn't host, didn't clear up and shouted at us. A lot. then disappeared the entire day without a word. So that's a lot of thanks for the stress, and the ruined evening for myself and the other dc

[Lilaclily]

I think the disappearing the next day isn't too bad , he was probably sleeping at a friends

I think not letting people stay over was why it was a longer party : the other parents would have had to get back from whatever party they were at to collect and also wouldn't have been able to drink , I think at that age sleeping over is the only option on new year eves , surprised the other parents picked up tbh

The aggression is really bad though , and no way would I have allowed 17 year olds to set off fireworks

I'd ban whatever he's into for aggression - remove phone, turn off WiFi, stop allowance , if it's mostly directed at you I'd get dh to step up and take charge

[MudCity]

I'm amazed his friends want to hang out with him. Woukdn't surprise me if his friends start to distance themselves from him after this.

As previous poster said, you and your DH will need to deal with this together and present a united front.

I'm sorry OP, no advice, he sounds horrible. When did he start behaving like this?

[DollyPlastic]

Well, if my DC was involved in unresolved police shit, he wouldn't be having a party, full stop.

I've let my DCs have parties here though, and the drunkenness, vomiting etc is pretty standard for 17yos, especially at NY. I wouldn't have interrupted that, unless the girl was so drunk that she needed to go home, in which case I'd have taken her.

Your DS is obviously really rude to you, and was ungrateful and sounds very immature. Sorry to be harsh, btw, but you sound like you're trying to do the right thing and he's just taking the piss.

I'd be sitting him down with DH and reading him the riot act. When will you hear about the police stuff, because I'd be using that as a reason for him to not be going out much?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

The original plan had been for 4 of them to stay over, but I guess with him having disappeared off none of them fancied doing that. So I offered to drive them home (about half came on bikes and were cycling back anyway). they declined my (several) offers of a lift.

And then he's yelling at me for having kicked them out! He was asleep for hours before they left. The music was off at 1/1.30, but they didn't leave till 2.35.

[ErnesttheBavarian]

I think he's pretty horrible atm.

Before the party (which I reluctantly agreed to) I told him this was also a trust thing. That we trusted him to have a good night, but also that his guests and we would also have a good night, that he would basically have fun but be responsible. Seems like everyone apart from him (and his stupid bf & gf) fit the bill.

All the other kids were exactly what I wish my dc was, mature, responsible, polite, organised, some drank, but not to excess, plenty didn't drink at all. I'm surprised such nice kids want to hang out with him too.

I think he thinks he's edgy and cool and a bit of a rebel. He's actually rude, immature and clueless.

I want to "read him the riot act". That's why I'm here. But what does that really look like and how is it effective. Shouting won't work. He'll shut off, not listen and put it all down to me being a bitch.

I'm starting to really really dislike him and crossing off the days till next summer when he's finished school and can go and be the hot shot he thinks he is. Somewhere far far away.

[JoyceDivision]

Oh, ok, the girlfriend situation is cleared up, thank you for replying op.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd be sat with dh and letting your ds know his aggression and general attitude is out of order, but, before you make decisions as to what you're going to do, you're going to speak with school /college to their pastoral care / behaviour support staff for guidance.

They should be able to help you decide on a course of action that isn't adding fuel to a fire but still serves purpose of dealing with his behaviour, also him seeing his at home persona is going to be revealed to school where he has a different persona from his school reports may jolt him a bit, iykwim?

are there things you can start listing that you can withdraw/ make your ds take on as his own responsibility? eg, pay for his own mobile phone, responsible for his own washing, if he has console/ tv in his room and you bought them,could you explain (if this is deemed appropriate atfer speaking to school) as you bought them you, due to his poor behaviour to you, you no longer think he should have them?

How does his fund his social life(transport , lifts, going out.. does he have a job or does he receive an allowance from you? Maybe if you support him this is were he has to take a big step, get a weekend / eve job and support himself as if you fund him, this is what I would look to withdraw and explain he has lost the right to expect money from some one he is aggressive to.

[Chillyegg]

In the politest way possible could he be on drugs? If he kept disapeering then came back and was a twat. ....
Secondly id say that most of his friends would most likely be absolutely mortified by his cockish behaviour. Maybe reinforce that.

[JoyceDivision]

What ever you do, be calm, cold, ruthless and a chill smile so that ds can't say you're kicking off at him!

[Hassled]

I think you need to bear in mind that those lovely, polite, thoughtful friends of his are not necessarily as polite and thoughtful to their own parents - had the party been in one of their houses, your DS may have behaved very well. Teenagers are good at messing with your head like that - my teenage DD from hell was a complete angel at school. They save up the hideousness just for you.
I really get why you're furious - I would be too. But stuff is clearly going on, which he'll get through in time. He must be stressed by the police stuff - has he said much about how he's feeling? You do need to stop the comparisons with your other "good" DCs, though - if you decide that Child A is bad and Child B is good, sometimes it becomes self-fulfilling. Causing resentment by being compared to other siblings will just make his behaviour worse.

[pklme]

Does he have an alcohol problem, or is this very occasional?
I think I'd kill him with kindness. Sit him down, say what a shame he felt so ill, a shame he didn't enjoy the party, what a shame he missed seeing his friends having fun, what a shame they decided not to stay the night...
Constantly emphasise how little you were involved in what happened. It was his party which backfired on him because of his behaviour.

I'd also warn him that you'll be needing a chat with him about consent, when he is feeling better. That he was in a very vulnerable situation with his GF. Don't lecture him, ask him what he knows. Outline some scenarios, and ask him how he'd react. Say, imagine she felt really ill and thinks someone spiked her drink, gets a bit paranoid and makes accusations against him... Game over.

[RickOShay]

Agree with Hassled. Those sweet kind oh so helpful teenagers would not be recognised by their own parents. I would go and scream into my pillow, and then try and talk to him without feeling angry, they can't cope with their own negative feelings let alone yours. Be honest tell him how worried you were about the girlfriend, tbh I would probably leave it at that, as if you go on you are just feeding into his martyrdom of having such awful parents. Be cool Ernest, he will grow up eventually.

[SecondsLeft]

Seems like he and his friend kept going off to get or take drugs.

[user1477282676]

He just sounds hugely immature. Absolutely no more entertaining for him! To comfort you though, at the same age I well remember cleaning a mate's house because his parents had gone away for a break and we partied for two days.

HIs Mum knew there'd been a party because her house was TOO clean when she got back!

[MudCity]

I thought drugs too. Is he taking anything?

[Oblomov16]

I think you need to be very calm.
In fact even better, sit him down with dh and you, but get dh to do all the talking. Talk to dh beforehand : what he needs to say and that you want him to take the lead. You take a back seat here. This could work brilliantly.
Dh tells ds in no uncertain terms, that ds is not aggressive to his wife.
Would that work?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

I only mentioned other dc being good to try and demonstrate I'm not a feckless parent. 16 yr old ds2 not a boozer, or ever got up to any mischief. Relaxed and easy going and worst we have from him is a bit of backchat. (He has more problems with dh and gets on v well with me)

I think he has taken to smoking pot (via this bf). He does have bad relationship with alcohol, doesn't just have 1 or 2, has been drunk on school nights. Lies a lot. Dh trying to get him on board with responsibility. Dh acknowledged that I had been right and that it hadn't worked.

Good point about leaving himself open to accusations with gf. I will talk. And he won't listen.

We have stopped his money/phone/computer etc before, for 2 months for the police thing. He genuinely feels outraged and hard done by, and that we are so strict with him.

He does (did) get an allowance, also has his phone and sports clubs paid for. Has to help out around the house (which he does when he's here), does his own laundry, walks the dog.

[MatildaTheCat]

He's made an idiot of himself in front of his mates so is probably feeling pretty stupid. Very uncool indeed.

Chose whatever punishment you deem fit but remember nothing has actually been damaged or stolen. Kid/s got drunk at NYE party. Very upsetting for you as his parents but not exactly headline news. He's created his own shame so in your place I'd be saying very little more other than no more parties and keep that girl away from here before her parents find him.

[GnomeDePlume]

So much of what you are describing comes across as immaturity. He is wanting to impress his friends, his girlfriend, his best friend and you. Instead he is falling flat on his face.

Dont 'read the riot act' to him. It will only play to his desire to be the centre of attention.

Be cool, be calm but explain how his behaviour impacted on his other friends and on his family. Dont keep going on about it. Like with toddler tantrums, dont feed the fire. It sounds like what he wants is attention.

It is DS2's birthday today so the attention is on him. Any histrionics from DS1 insofar as they affect no one else directly are ignored. Anything DS1 does for others and especially his brother is praised but not lavishly.

Happy birthday to DS2! Happy new year to you!

[llangennith]

Agree with Hassled. My DS was a bit of a twat like this but by the time he went off to Uni was quite nice
He's a responsible 41 yo now that I'm very proud of: when he was a teenager I never thought I'd ever be saying that.
I don't think sanctions or confiscating devices work, that just breeds resentment and gives another reason for him to feel sorry for himself. He's probably feeling embarrassed today but he won't be telling you that!
Give him a sharp talking to telling him how furious you were at how he behaved and then move on.
You're exhausted and wrung out today and your emotions are all over the place so it's probably a good thing DS isn't around.

[Blu]

I think Oblomov, Rickoshay and pklme have good approaches.

[LIZS]

Sounds like he wanted to host it to be seen as cool and fit in but didn't know how to behave so they just carried on regardless. I bet they aren't such angels at home. Am I right in thinking ds1 has had issues at school and home for a while. Was he ever assessed for sen?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

yes. trouble for a long time now. on and off. dx with add. refuses any help/support.

does't seem particularly arsed about police trouble. I was/ am devastated. cried for a week. with shame, frustration, anger, disbelief.

very secretive and lies. a lot.

He's like that nurses rhyme. "when she was good she was verry very good but when she was bad she was horrid"

[LIZS]

I asked as we have a nephew with AS who has faced similar problems with education , social and boundary issues.