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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Please can someone help us....

39 replies

TapasGirl · 16/12/2016 15:18

DS15 - DH had call from school today to ask him to come in. DS15 has been caught selling weed. He has been told to go home and will be expelled.
We are devastated.
Knew DS was no angel but this is just the worst thing and I don't know what to do.
DS said he just wanted to look 'cool' - very easily lead, eager to impress his peers etc etc. Had so many issues with his school life. We are always in and out of School but it has been low level messing around so far. We have really tried to make him realise that it is so important to get some good grades - he does struggle.
We have asked the Head Master that if we withdraw DS before they make the decision to expel would this help and he has said that if we do this he will write him a reference without the mention of today's issue. So I have done that but am not sure where to go from here.
I'm not here to be flamed what he has done is unforgivable. DH has been in tears and usually he is so strong.
I would really appreciate it if someone could hold my hand and tell me what I need to do and also of any light that might be at the end of this bloody dark and lonely tunnel.

Thank you x

OP posts:

Report

titchy · 16/12/2016 15:19

Year 10 or 11? State or private?

TapasGirl · 16/12/2016 15:21

year 11 - state

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AndShesGone · 16/12/2016 15:22

You call the lea and get him into another school. And he turns up and behaves.

TapasGirl · 16/12/2016 15:24

but what do I tell the LEA? he is 6 months away from leaving (or trying to get into college). If they find out why no-one will take him surely?
Thank you x

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dietstartsmonday · 16/12/2016 15:25

My son got kicked out in year 10. Tbh best thing that happened to him.
He went to a pupil referal unit and they were brilliant.
If you have withdrawn him have you been given guideance as to what is next.
The drugs would concern me. Does he smoke it too?

dietstartsmonday · 16/12/2016 15:26

I think you may have made an error withdrawing him.
If he was excluded you would get alot of extra support which may be lacking now

titchy · 16/12/2016 15:28

Retract that withdrawal now - as it stands the LEA has no obligation to find him another place or let him sit his GCSEs.

There are statutory procedures that the head must follow before he can be expelled. You have a right of appeal. The head must be rubbing his hands with glee knowing that he's got rid of him without any due process being followed. Change that now.

Post in Education and ask for prh47bridge - or one of the other legal eagles for advice.

TapasGirl · 16/12/2016 15:28

Yes the drugs are a concern. He says he has tried it but I can't believe anything he is saying at the moment.
All his so called friends are giving statements at school about him. This is the problem he is so gullible and wants to impress so much. I have had countless conversations with him about the meaning of true friendship.
I don't think he could cope in a referral unit. He is really quite soft and as I say eager to please his peers - they will eat him alive.

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MrsJayy · 16/12/2016 15:30

The school could have called the police for dealing he was bloody lucky what does your son want to do now? I think the suggestion of contacting the LEA and discussing his options is a good one I think you will need to tell the truth though it wont go on a record but he needs to be doing something

MrsJayy · 16/12/2016 15:32

Your son is selling drugs I think you need to not think of him as soft and easily lead

mudandmayhem01 · 16/12/2016 15:33

You won't get flamed, not by me anyway what an awful situation for you, I know a teenager who was in a similar situation. He was a follower, struggled at school, lots of issues, naive and certainly not a master criminal. At least he isn't going to get a criminal record. Its how he responds to this situation that will be the making or breaking of him. Ground him and then start to work out what you can do about completing his GCSEs. Is home ed and sitting exams as a private candidate, whilst applying for a college course next September an option. I would be very cautious about him going to another school at this point. It will be obvious to everyone that he has been in serious trouble move schools at this and his reputation might follow him and cement him as a bad boy.Just my initial thoughts? .

TapasGirl · 16/12/2016 15:33

I think the School might call the police as they are still investigating as they haven't finished investigating themselves as yet.
How can I withdraw my email confirming I wish to withdraw him.
What a bloody mess
Thank you for your support x

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dietstartsmonday · 16/12/2016 15:34

I think the units have a bad rep. Ours was lovely. The pupils were mainly lovely staff lovely and they pulled him round from drop out to 16yo now 5 months into an apprenticeship he loves. It wouldn't have happened if he wasn't there.

However as PP said you Ave the issue that the LEA due tk you withdrawing are not obligate to help.
If you can withdraw and let him get excluded he will get support then

Floralnomad · 16/12/2016 15:37

I agree with pp , retract your withdrawal , you will get much more support if he's expelled and if you've voluntarily taken him out of school I'm not sure the LEA are obliged to find you a different place . I also think you need to stop saying things like 'he's gullible and soft' , if he's dealing drugs at school he is likely neither of these things and it will probably be better if you stop looking at him through rose coloured specs .

MrsJayy · 16/12/2016 15:41

What a mess you must be devestated but dealing with it head on is the way to go Im sorry this has happened

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2016 15:43

I'm sorry, my brother was like this and I urge you strongly not to think of him as soft, gullible, eager to please and easily led, that's what he wants you to think. He's dealing drugs. And if it goes to the police he will be charged and have a criminal record and very likely do time for it.

You need to think through your options here carefully. Schooling is not the major concern. The first instance will be to find out if the school determines to report it or not. There will be pressure from parents if the news gets out there was drug dealing in the school. If this is the case your son will be charged.

If they don't report it , and I think they will have to, I'm sorry, you need to understand the options with the lea in regards to other school options from an expulsion v a voluntary withdrawal. The lea will want to know why in either instance and they will ask the school.

I think you need to keep him home right now and make an appt with the head master to discuss this further.

Heirhelp · 16/12/2016 15:49

Withdraw that removal. Hopefully it was only verbally. A new school will be reclutant to take an in year application as this stage and if he is excluded he will get a lot more support.

I agree that you need to stop blaming other for your son's actions as this does him no favours.

Of course his friends are going to tell the trust and they should.

TapasGirl · 16/12/2016 16:00

It was in writing - a knee jerk decision I'm afraid. Crazy when your head is in a different place and not thinking logically.

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TapasGirl · 16/12/2016 16:01

The school has said they are unable to remove him from roll until we confirm that we are either a) home schooling or that we have found an alternative school

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Floralnomad · 16/12/2016 16:03

Well if you can't find him another school place where he can pick up his existing GCSE options you could always sign up with one of the Internet schools and arrange your own exams , it's fairly simple , so don't panic . ( also not overly expensive) .

Floralnomad · 16/12/2016 16:05

X post , in that case tell them you are retracting and see what they say .

titchy · 16/12/2016 16:06

Just email them saying you are retracting your earlier written withdrawal as you had not had time to consider the matter fully.

BlackDoglet · 16/12/2016 16:12

Yes, retract and, if he's permanently excluded, the LA must find an alternative. Has his school broken up today or are they in next week?
If in Monday, make an appointment with Head, you don't want to be worrying all over Christmas about school. You have enough to worry about with his behaviour.
I guess you need to come down hard on him, really hard...remove phone, consoles, wifi, going out etc
Not easy OP but hopefully with support (and don't be afraid to ask agencies for help) you'll all come through.

youarenotkiddingme · 16/12/2016 16:14

Yes retract the withdrawal.

Schools have to show they have tried everything to support a pupil and if they are excluded have to provide alternative education.

You've put yourself in the situation where you have deregistered your Ds and will be classed as EHE.

Just send a simple email.

Dear Ht,

Further to the incident on x date where ds was caught selling drugs on site I'd like to change my position.
I would like to withdraw my resignation of Ds from the school roll and allow you to exclude him permantly as you originally stated as your course of action.
This will secure the best outcome for ds in enabling him to access education and give us accesa to the swrvices who can provide the education ds is legallu entitled to.
Please send me the exclusion paperwork with immediate effect with the information on who to contact within the LA to set up access to education for Ds.

Access to education is the buzz word atm and you are basically saying you dont want to electively withdraw ds from education - they cant make yiu as ds is entitled ro an education by law.

it sounds like your ds may have some sen needs around social and emotional communication and there are SEMH schools that specialise in pupils with these neeeds.

TapasGirl · 16/12/2016 16:30

Thank you so much for your support. YANKM - I will send the email and yes he has struggled with Socail/emotional communication and I think we are guilty of not addressing these issues enough and just burying our heads in the sand.

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