This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Inapropiate behaviour or sibling love?(15 Posts)
DS (17) and DD (14) are very close and always have been quite close. Sadly, DD (14) is being treated for anorexia at an eating disorder clinic and has been there for 3 weeks. However she came home on Friday at around 5pm and we are dropping her back there tommorow morning. DH thinks it's just because he's close to DD and thinks I'm overreacting but DS became very upset this afternoon and kept pulling DD to one side to talk to her i suppose but shortly after he'd spoken to her they wondered off. I assumed they'd one to sit in the playroom with the younger ones or the lounge to chat or watch tv but when I went to find them both around an hour later I found them on DS's bed. They were lying next to each other and watching a film which isn't anything new as this has happened atleast three or four times before. What I can't get my head around is why DS suddenly locked the door and called out 'I'll be down in 5 mins' when he heard me call his name, I don't understand why he did that which makes me feel like something was happening that he didn't want me to know about. Is this type of clingey/controlling behaviour unusual in an older teenage boy?
I don't know whether I should be concerned or not as he spent a lot of time being really upset around her at any mention of her going back.
He tries to steer DD away from her other brother and younger siblings. I'm wondering if anyone could suggest reasons to perhaps why he is acting like he is?
Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long!
DD loves her brother obviously but if she tried to play with her younger siblings (4&6) or her special needs older brother DS would do his best to steer her away from them and get her to talk to him or go somewhere different with him, I don't think his behaviour is very typical for a boy his age..
Maybe they were talking about her condition and didn't want to be interrupted - it could be that she opens up to him and he was worried she would retreat into herself if someone came in the room? It's difficult to tell but it sounds as though he is just really protective. I hope she is responding well to her therapy
I imagine they were having a private conversation and possibly one or both were upset.
He sounds protective, rather than controlling but it can come across that way.
I don't understand why you think there is something sinister happening.
I think so too, it's just a shame he feel the need to remove her from being with the family as much as he can. I hope he's just being overprotective and maybe he will eventually back down rather than controlling as if he's being controlling I doubt DD would say anything as she's painfully shy.
I think sometimes you need to listen to your instincts. Not saying anything has happened but locking the door isn't good. Maybe have a word with him about letting her play with her siblings. Maybe have a word with her about.....I dunno...having her back if she needs him to give her more space.
It's awful to assume that something negative may have happened but I do have really bad instincts not that anything serious happened but that he might be controlling her and telling her what she can and can't do which obviously isn't ideal especially as she is barely with us anymore. I don't think I'm going to say anything to DS considering he was generally upset about DD leaving once again but I'm defentitly going to maybe drop a few hints that if she wants more space she should come talk to me ect ect. Thanks for your reply.
No idea why he locked the door though.. which is a little concerning.
Could you talk to her? Raise your concern? He sounds protective, but there is always the possibility of something more sinister. Unlikely, but judging on what you've said, I wouldn't totally rule it out.
He's quite angry about the whole suituation with DD as he is only going to be able to see her once every third weekend and for Christmas Eve and Christmas day and I don't think he fully understands the whole seriousness of DD's disorder as if she wasn't addmitted I doubt she'd be alive in January. He's actually a very sweet lad and never angry but in the past few weeks he's been very angry mainly at me and his father. I don't think talking to him would help as all that would happen is he'll tell me he hates me for what I've done and that gets us nowhere. I think I'm going to try to drop some hints to DD in hope she might tell me more or atleast let her know if he's not giving her space she can come to me, if anyone has any suggestions on ways I could say this to DD without litterally saying 'if your brother is not leaving you alone, tell me.'
I hope I can talk to her when DS isn't there, I hope things between them are alright.
Your post raises so many questions.
Is your dd and you starting to understand what is at the root of her anorexia?
It's often a sign of deep misery or something not being right.
Is your ds being helped and supported in understanding dd's anorexia?
Have they always been close?
Does ds have a girlfriend?
What is dss behaviour like?
Unfortantly I can only put it down to bullying throughout school life, DS understands what anorexia is but because DD doesn't 'not eat' he doesn't think she should be in an eating disorder clinic and thinks I'm cruel for sending her to one even though her BMI is 16 and used to be 23 a few months ago. They have always been close but I'd say DS has been quite overprotective of her when she got to 11/12. They've always been close but never crazy close but I'd say in the past 2-3yrs they have created a very strong relationship. DS doesn't currently have a GF but he's a good looking lad who's never been short of female attention and has had atleast 3 girlfriends, two of which lasted longer than 6 months. He hasn't had a girlfriend for 5 months now as he split up with his ex as he was cheated on.
DS is well mannered, well behaved and not overly confident but not painfully shy. He's currently in college and was good all throughout his school life. He doesn't smoke and only drinks on nights out. He likes to please though which I think may be part of the problem of him being so overly attached to DD. When he was younger he always wanted to be the 'best' big brother. Thanks for your reply.
I would be concerned too, OP. Trying to keep dd away from other sibs and locking the door are not good. Like someone up thread said, I think you should listen to your instincts. I'd be worried that he is going from "over protective" to obsessive. Even if there is nothing of a sexual nature happening, it is still concerning that he seems to be turning inward and getting so angry. I don't really know what to advise you, but is there a way to get him away physically from the situation? Like have him join something like Habitat for humanity for a few months building houses somewhere else?