This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
My 19YO boy is stealing from me(12 Posts)
Money has been really tight for the last 18 months as my partner lost his business and there have been rumblings from HMRC and others since. I have been the sole breadwinner and it's been hard. Recently its improved a bit as my partner has had a bit of work so has been contributing something.
My boy left college last summer with OK (ish) A Levels - enough to get him to university to do what he wanted to do anyway. Instead he informed us he wanted to take a year out for 'travelling'. We went along with it but I asked for a contribution for his bed and board. He has a part time job but hasn't had the money to travel much.
Every month I get my bank statement and its the same story - pay pal to friends, Skybet, Uber taxis. I will admit to not being as observant with money as I could be. I am a teacher and working 12 hour days so I'm not as 'on the ball' as perhaps I should be. Last month I gave him £50 for a trip to London, then he missed his coach so I lent him £30. My bank statement came and extras amounted to £180. Last month it was £185. I have shouted, cried, threatened to throw him out, threatened him with the police, appealed to his better nature but he still does it.
Today he told me that I must change my card number as he has a 'problem' and can't help himself. He has an interview for more work on Monday and the chance of another job in a supermarket after Christmas and swears he will pay me back. His Dad is good cop and has talked to him about it being disappointing. I am struggling though and feeling angry. I have incurred overdraft fees for the last two months. Has anyone else had similar and what did you do about it?
Jimmy change all your passwords so he cannot acces your online accounts. Don't throw him out as you will worry about him. Tough love is what is needed and he will thank you for it later on.
Gambling? Stop all his access to your money now for good!
Feed, shelter. That's it. And secure all valuables.
BTW if he wants a long holiday, fine. Better start working, had he not?
Thank you .... the money he is taking is linked to my debit card details so I'm thinking that if I get a new card it will have a new security number and he won't be able to use it. I became a teacher so that I could spend as much time with him as possible, I have scrimped and saved and sent him on fantastic trips (the last one was NY last year and I'm still paying it off). He just doesn't seem to get the fact that its theft and fraud. I drive him to work, pick him up, try my best and he does this. He's just a spoilt little bastard isn't he?
Why does he have access to your account? FFS. I never had access to my mums money, I had my own account when I was 16 and started work full time.
Stop his access, change your passcodes. If he has your card details then cancel it and get a new one (a bloody pain to do but you have to do it) and DON'T leave it anywhere he can find it.
He is 19, not 9. Just give him a roof and food. If he wants spending money then he will have to get a ruddy job like normal people to pay for it.
With access to your card he is really stealing from you. Deny him that route.
And for you OP... that is such a shitty thing to happen, you sound like you have done everything for him and this is how he repays you and your partner.
I don't understand why you gave your child your bank details. He would be locked out straight away.
No- he isn't. I think the fact he has said this is a problem and he wants you to change your card number is really good, although hard I'm sure. Adolescent brains really are different to adult brains. Is there any way he can access support or therapy to help him understand why he is doing this?
I never had access to my Mum's money either. I think when the money trouble started my bank card became THE bank card IYSWIM and we started letting him use it for shopping at Tesco etc. I did question this at the time but my partner felt he was mature enough. That one really bit me on the bum. I will change my card ASAP.
Also sign up to visa verified by us and don't give him the passcode for that either.
You want him to pop to Tesco or whatever, transfer the cash to his account.
Thanks TwistedReach - I love him to pieces but find myself second guessing my decisions. He's not really a spoilt bastard. I wish I hadn't said that.