Struggling with DD's lack of respect

[MasterWench]

I'm having issues with 12 year old DD. Mainly stealing from me, things like makeup and jewellery from my room and other bits that belong to me. I've even had to put a lock on my bedroom because no punishment has worked.

Yesterday I forgot to lock the door and as soon as I left the house to go to parents evening for my ds (they were being looked after by my mum) she went in there and took some more makeup.

I've said she could have her own makeup but she needs to earn it and behave herself and she literally cannot go more than a day without doing something she shouldn't. Her bedroom is absolutely trashed, paint all over the carpet, her bed and walls have been drawn on. I am at my wits end

[Lucyneedssleep]

No advice but my dd 15 the same. Will deny taking anything over and over to the point I feel guilty accusing them I find it in her room days/weeks later. Recently she went to a friends with my entire make up bag and could see no issue "God I'm only borrowing it". What irritates me more is that she has way more clothes/make up than me anyhow, I often see Instagram pics of her and friends wearing my clothes, jewellery , not even my knickers are safe. I have started cutting pocket money when she borrows/steals without asking so far it works but I'm only a week in!

[specialsubject]

Stealing and vandalism?? Nightmare.

Let her live in her skanked bedroom. Remove all privileges. So nothing except school clothes, food, transport to and from school, toiletries to keep clean. All else is a privilege.

Any idea what is behind this revolting behaviour?

[MasterWench]

I have no idea what is behind the behaviour, a part of me just thinks that is who she is. Which really saddens me as it is not how I am raising her to behave at all.

I have tried taking everything away from her, she has just gone 3 weeks without her phone because she couldn't behave. I pick my battles with her wisely but stealing isn't one I am willing to compromise on, the more she keeps doing it the angrier I'm getting with her. It feels like she is taking the piss out of me to be honest.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I had to read rwice to check I'd not misread about drawing on her bed and bedroom walls. That's the sort of provoking tantrum you might expect from a far younger child.

When punishments and tellings off are like water off a duck's back it's time to break the negative cycle.

l think we shy away from doing anything that might be misconstrued as weakness or rewarding them but sometimes doing something a teen doesn't expect catches them off guard. Realistically it might take ages for her to earn a treat so it's not much of an incentive. Wouldn't letting her choose one item be something unexpected. Call it bribery if need be. She might think Mum's soft but you tell her there could be more if she does x or completes y. Tit for tat, you don't do this at her say so. They're so frustrated at wanting the moon but knowing we hold the purse-strings.

If physically releasing stress helps her feel better, can she do some activity that helps her eg trampolining, skating. You aren't being a mug just trying a new approach.