Disagreeing with dh about dd

(41 Posts)
Purplecarpet Fri 02-Dec-16 19:11:54

I am stressing myself out over dd17 and mostly at the moment, her messing about at college. I know I shouldn't get worked up over such trivial things, but I do.
She scraped through AS levels in summer and just doesn't want to be there so is doing as little as she can get away with. I've had enough of her being late for classes and being contacted by them each time she is late and worrying that she isn't doing enough work. She has applied for a few jobs and is waiting to hear the outcomes and that's the way forward I think but this is where I disagree with dh. The way things are, she is wasting everyone's time at college and I think she might as well just leave and try to get a job, which is what she wants to do. But dh is insisting that she stays right up until she gets a job.
I agree that I don't want her lying in bed all day and I wouldn't be funding her social life or anything but I dont think there is any point in her continuing. As long as she helps out at home and seriously tries to get a job, I think I'd let her leave now.
Am I wrong?

OP’s posts: |
Bumperstickers Sat 03-Dec-16 11:35:14

I'm in kind of a similar situation here. Dd at college and been verbally offered a job and she was all for dropping out there and then. However, we said not until the job is confirmed and there have been some delays (I posted in the employment thread about possible reference issues).
So I can appreciate both sides. If dd drops out and the job doesn't happen where will she be and also she thinks she is starting work (might not be) so she's given up. I'm undecided.

Purplebluebird Sat 03-Dec-16 11:07:24

I agree with your husband, she should stay until she gets a job. For all you know, she might not get one until this year is over - and then it's easier for her to pick college up again at a later date, should she mature and change her mind when older! My sister did her college years in her 30s, because she simply wasn't ready at the time. She did however finish a year or two (it's 3 years in my home country), so it was easy to pick up where she stopped.

WestCoastGirl Sat 03-Dec-16 10:47:08

I've had this conversation with dd about starting work and I really don't think she realises how hard it will be compared to her life now at 6th form. She's currently there for 16 hours per week. Compare that to 37 hours a week, plus whatever studying for the nvq or whatever, all the restrictions and rules at work, the sometimes not very nice colleagues and not many holidays. All I get back is "at least I'll be getting paid". Yeah £3.40 an hour.

But they have to join the real world at some point.

yeOldeTrout Sat 03-Dec-16 10:46:52

oops... part-time job, the other PTs = Prince's Trust.

yeOldeTrout Sat 03-Dec-16 10:46:13

I have a minority opinion. She'll have more energy to look for a job, and more focus about her real future, if she just drops college. It's a distraction right now that is preventing her from putting full effort into better plans.

It's not like the girl has NO PLAN. She's obviously making some effort to do something else and wants to do something else. Give her more time to work on that.

I have some experience, 17yo DS is in process of trying to get into Army, had zero desire to do A-levels. The Council got him onto Prince's Trust course; after work experience that PT arranged, he now has a PT job & is still trying to get in as a junior soldier. PT course was good in that he met a fair few young people with poor prospects. He doesn't want to end up on their path.

n0ne Sat 03-Dec-16 10:38:19

I agree with you. This was me 20 years ago, sick to death of sixth form, bunking off classes without my mum knowing (and I'd previously been very academically-inclined). I thought my parents would marmalise me (both put huge stock in higher education) when they found out, but mum just told me I needed to get a job if I wanted to leave education. So I stopped going immediately and poured all my efforts into getting a job. The job market in the UK is a damn-sight worse now than it was then, so I think your DD should sack off school now and concentrate her efforts on finding a job, which in itself is a full-time job. Not to mention it would focus her mind - it must be horribly demoralising going to school every day when she'd rather be anywhere else.

FWIW, I got a job within about 6 weeks which set me on the ladder of a career in finance, and I still managed to gain a degree along the way smile


ofudginghell Sat 03-Dec-16 10:30:29

Stepping back and making them responsible for their choices is my 100% advice here.
If you allow her to dip out now it will set you up for a lot more hassle and will make it a lot harder for everyone to help her get into the type of work or education they would like to be in.

My son just wanted to earn money to live a lavish lifestyle on the back of us financially supporting him and didn't even give a thought for how hard full time work can be.
They see the job and money thing as the golden key and not restricting like school however the reality is always a shock for them.
It's hard as you can guide them at this age but you can't control their choices. Just got to give them your provisos and conditions and let them learn.

Purplecarpet Sat 03-Dec-16 10:20:12

Good point Cauliflower. Yes I don't like college contacting me but it's not every day tbh. She often gets there by the skin of her teeth and I'm forever going on at her about not being late. But I do always insist that she is on time. I leave for work before her however so can't be there to make sure. But I can't force her to study and I know she will get crap A level results as she is not putting the work in. Btw her teachers always have good things to say about her, which surprises me at parents evenings.

Her tutor is giving her a reference as well and has assured her that it will be good.

I am appreciating all of the points of view. Dh is certainly not alone in his views.

OP’s posts: |
stolemyusername Sat 03-Dec-16 10:17:13

I'm with your DH on this, she either needs to be in college or working full time. If she's not at college what will she fill her day with, in my own DD's case it would be stay yup until the early hours and sleeping all day, where's the motivation to get a job there.

If she was in full time employment, you would encourage her to not quit one job until she had another one lined up surely?

ofudginghell Sat 03-Dec-16 10:04:27

I'm going with your dh on this one.
Tell her it's her decision and choice what she chooses to do and you will support that only if she actively looks and applies and also sees a career advisor and that she actively attends college until she has a job.
That's the options I have ds as I felt he was taking the mick about. I know it's hard taking them first steps but if they don't do it and take responsibility for their own choices now the situation won't change.
Trust me been there. It's only now in the third year of ds leaving school that he realises and understands and has learnt that he needs to take responsibility for his choices and that we will financially support him to live like an adult but rent and bill free (he earns part time so covers his travel and puts £10 into house kitty a week)only if he continues through education and gets good grades to enable himself to get into the career sector of his choice. Any messing around with college and not turning up and what my dh calls bumming around won't be supported.
Sit her down and give her the options and make it clear it's her decision not yours and leave her to make her choices. She will feel more grown up and maybe then will take it more seriously.
I made the mistake of letting ds flit in and out in the first two years and it was hell.

CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 03-Dec-16 09:49:44

Is part of your reason for wanting her to leave the fact that the college keep contacting you to let you know about lateness etc? And you feel you can't insist on that or have a word because you know she's not interested in staying?

I agree with Fairy - her reference is going to be poor unless she puts more effort in.

Astro55 Sat 03-Dec-16 09:46:14

Is agree with DH he's thinking about DD - keeping her out of bed - giving her a reason to get up - this is quickly lost on kids who sit around the house doing nothing

She will be more motivated to apply for jobs - after all this is what adults do isn't it? Suffer a job til you get another one? Not throw in the towel and hope something will appear

The teacher is there anyway - teaching - it's not one to one lessons is it?

TheFairyCaravan Sat 03-Dec-16 09:36:54

She needs to pull her finger out and buck up her ideas because when her potential employer asks the college for a reference it's not going to look good when they say does the bare minimum and turns up late, is it?

I agree with your DH, she needs to stay there until she gets a job, but she really does need to change her ways.

Reality16 Sat 03-Dec-16 09:31:38

Yes but whilst she is at college she is not paying attention/participating in classes so I think she is wasting the teachers time.. This doesn't matter from your point of view. Your daughter is the priority in all of this. The teacher already has a job. If you want your DD to do anything with her life I really do think you need to push her a bit and not let her quit.

CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 03-Dec-16 09:29:59

Yes she is wasting their time. But that's up to her. If she's keen enough to leave she will sort it out.

CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 03-Dec-16 09:28:53

What your husband doesn't want is her lolling around watching Homes Under the Hammer and snapping about how she's already applied for a job 3 weeks ago last Wednesday and is waiting to hear back.

My friend's son never bothered finding a job really - he does a couple of shifts a week at a petrol station and the rest of the time he's playing video games. He's 25. It's comfy and warm and nice at home with his parents. He's only asked for £50 a month as "rent" and all his laundry is done and meals on the table. Why bother? Things need to be uncomfortable for change to happen. If she wants a job she can get one but I agree with your DH, if she doesn't she will just take root on the sofa (as all teens would given the chance!!)

Purplecarpet Sat 03-Dec-16 09:28:08

Yes but whilst she is at college she is not paying attention/participating in classes so I think she is wasting the teachers time.

Thanks for all the comments. They are helping me a lot 😊

OP’s posts: |
CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 03-Dec-16 09:25:17

I agree with your DH. Just say "you can leave as soon as you have a job confirmed".
College hours are hardly strenuous, especially if she's not doing any work etc. She will have holidays at Christmas etc and she can pursue it then as well. It doesn't take that long to fill out application forms etc.

EllaHen Sat 03-Dec-16 09:24:57

What about signing up with temping agencies? Build up experience in different industries.

Reality16 Sat 03-Dec-16 09:23:49

But she has decided that she wants to leave and get a job so I can't see the point of her continuing at college.. The point is it will be easier for her to get a job if she is already doing something. It will encourage her to look for a job as she dislikes college so much. She is learning while she is there. If she drops out all she is learning is to be a quitter. She may enjoy the free time and lazy days and be lax about looking for a job. You may end up with a teen that spends all day every day moping about moaning about how bad her life is, whilst doing nothing to fix it.

It's a no brainier. Of course she should stay at college.

Purplecarpet Sat 03-Dec-16 09:21:37

George yes they are supposed to stay in education or have an apprenticeship with elements of education till they are 18 but in reality, they can leave and nobody seems bothered. They just don't get any benefits.

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ChuckGravestones Sat 03-Dec-16 09:20:21

Dh thinks she will lie in bed all day and he's not having that".

I agree with him - she needs to come up with her own plan on what she will be doing in the meantime though. Stop stressing and put it over to her.

Purplecarpet Sat 03-Dec-16 09:18:28

Thanks Dozer. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not really serious, but I always blow things way out of proportion, and make myself ill in the process.

OP’s posts: |
GeorgeTheThird Sat 03-Dec-16 09:17:41

I agree with your DH, if you let her leave the chances are she will do bugger all. She's more likely to try properly to get a job if she can't leave college until she has one. Doesn't she need to be eighteen to leave college anyway?

Dozer Sat 03-Dec-16 09:13:38

YANBU to stress: the situation sounds serious.

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