Financially supporting 18yo to live with BF - crazy?(17 Posts)
My DD will be 18 in the summer when she finishes college.
Since gaining a BF in first month of college she has withdrawn from us and focuses on him with anything else coming a poor second.
If she were going to university, we would be financially supporting her through that.
Her ambition for after college is to 'live with BF' (and have a baby). She used to have more focussed ambitions but these have gone out the window. She is quite vulnerable and mixed up emotionally due to past issues. BF is vulnerable too. She is not a 'grown up' 17yo by any means and has poor reasoning and organisational skills.
We are thinking of saying we will subsidise her to live independently (with BF) on the following conditions:
- she has a full time job (and must have it for at least 3 months before we assist her to move out)
- he has a job if he is living there too
- no marriage whilst dependent on us
- no babies whilst dependent on us (not really enforceable though?)
- we get to regularly check on how she/they are managing budgets financially, and life in general until we are confident they can cope.
Is this a good plan, or crazy?
Nightmare scenario we want to avoid is her getting pregnant - she does not have the skills or emotional resources or experience of life to be a parent yet. And nor does he, given he cannot catch a train on his own yet. So we don't want her to think the way to be together is to get pregnant.
I think you're being reasonable there - maybe the contraceptive injection or implant would be best for her? It sounds as though neither would cope well with a baby.
I don't know...
Of you want to support her financially then I don't think you can impose lots of restrictions - financial updates etc and no pregnancy.
She is either mature enough to live with her bf or she isn't. Maybe she needs to try it and see? You financially supporting will imo be detrimental as she won't understand how difficult it actually is.
I'd say to her that you are happy to fund education and training, or learning to drive, or even if she wants to travel, but if she feels ready to move in with her boyfriend then part of that is learning how to financially support herself.
I'm assuming there will always be the option to come and live with you if it doesn't work out?
I would not support my 18 yo in this financially although I would always be there in terms of financial support. I would be clear on how limiting it can be having a baby at this age and maybe see if there was any online information that might back up this view.
I would be really really wary of providing any financial support at all, if she wants to live as an independent adult then she should.
Do you want her out of the house? If so, leaving her being baby sat by her boy friend while you wave a big stick from on high is a recipe for resentment all round.
No I don't want her out of the house.
But I don't want BF living here.
And I definitely don't want her to have a baby.
And I worry that she will think 'the only way to be together is to have a baby and that will force it'. She is 17, emotionally more like 14 in some ways, but wants to act like she's 25.
We are trying to find the 'least bad' route. All these comments are really helpful.
What does the BF's parents think? Will they help support him financially?
And while it isn't as common any more, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman's ambition being that she wants to be a wife and mother. That's a perfectly good choice in my eyes. I would prefer her to wait until she was married or 20, whatever came sooner, if she was my daughter, but I think you should be willing to support her if she does get pregnant now.
Ozzie I don't think they are in a position to subsidise him if he moves out of family home.
IAm Our real concern if she got pregnant now is that without hands on support the child would end up At Risk. In a few years time once she has learned to be an independent adult we would expect her to be able to cope, but we sadly aren't scare-mongering to be concerned if it were to happen now.
I would support the moving out completely and getting a job, perhaps by offering support such as a deposit but really they need work first to live together.
Sounds like you are doing your best in a difficult situation. I'd agree with the PP who said implant NOW, as it sounds like the biggest issues is preventing a pregnancy when neither or them can care for a baby .
Does you DD have any idea how to get a job and if she gets one, do you think she can keep it ?
I get your analogy with finding her through college, but for most families that's a temporary thing . Their kids get qualifications and they become self supporting . What's your exit plan from the scenario you outline in your OP?
The 'Exit plan' is indeed something to think about.
Subsidy could be anything from
- paying deposit and upfront fees and acting as guarantor
- subsidising rent
- paying for e.g. car insurance (which if still at home we would probably pay for)
She might get an apprenticeship. So we could 'top up' to NMW whilst apprenticeship running, so she gets higher wages AND an additional qualification.
Implant wouldn't suit. What about a Mirena coil?
Thank you to everyone for your constructive ideas. it is being really helpful.
The idea of these two children having a baby is horrifying for the baby. And the landlord that will rent to them is not the kind of landlord that you would want.
Just a thought. If your daughter is just focusing on living with her BF and having a baby, is there any way you can get hold of one of those RealCare Baby stimulator dolls? The ones that cry to be fed, burped, changed etc.
This may give your daughter a reality check after more than 48 hours caring for the 'baby', that it's hard work looking after a child, not just a game of happy families. I believe they also come with an electronic recording device that can be checked to see if the babies needs have been met. They are used in some schools to help prevent unwanted pregnancies, as most kids don't realize the amount of work involved in looking after a baby.
Incredible. He can't figure out how to catch a train and he wants to live independently? You absolutely must stick to your condition that they both hold down a job for at least 3 months before you help them move out. And agree with pp who say to get semi-permanent birth control.
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